Thursday, January 24, 2013

Happy New Year

Happy New Year!

So it has been over a year.  Wow.  This time last year I was dating my current boyfriend, living in a tiny apartment with my gay husband and two kids getting ready to move back into my home.  It has been a struggle.  At the time I was devastated, the truth I had known was no longer and new life was unfolding for me while my old life was being torn apart.  It took months before realizing the truth is just one person’s perception of reality.  Looking back my reality was pretty messed up.

I still struggle at times with my divorce.  I feel very broken at times, and I also feel that being in a committed relationship is quite possibly slowing the healing process for me.  I never intended to fall in love or find the perfect man.  I never expected to be kissed again, cuddled with at night or even cared about or taken care of when I am feeling under the weather and yet I have these things now.  It is great and I feel awful that he has a broken toy, with trust issues, identity issues and so much more.
It is safe to say that I am a different person than I was a year ago.  Life and circumstances have changed me.  I need to work on trust.  This is very hard for me.  How do I know you’re not lying to me when the one person I trusted lied to me for ten years, and I was absolutely clueless about it all.  My trust issues will affect my relationship.  The man I am with now deserves all my trust and so much more.

Confidence and Identity issues, well, where do I begin?  For ten years I was treated like a plague.  To touch me was hard him, kissing, lol….what was that?  Friends told me that kissing, touching and all emotional and sensual feelings dissipate in a marriage and I accepted that.  Well, let me tell you what it doesn't have too.  Everyone’s different and touching and kissing sensually is very important for me and I know I won’t give that up again.  I am so grateful and lucky to have a man who provides for me and fulfills my needs in an intrinsic way.  But at times I still feel, (ugly, fat, question what’s wrong with me), from the ten years I was made to feel that there was something wrong with me.  Letting this go, I have found to be extremely challenging. 

Identity issues….  Where do I begin?  For ten years I did everything he wanted.  Liked everything he liked and stopped doing things that I enjoyed.  If he said that what I liked was wrong, or shouldn't be I didn't question why I just stopped doing it.  Well, I have issues and still sometimes feel bad about myself because of this.  Like watching too much TV is a waste of time.  Do I feel this way or is it because for the last ten years I was told this?  I struggle internally with questions like this as I try and figure out who I am and what I enjoy.  I was also told that drinking is for white trash people and it shouldn't be done.  Well, I know I don’t like drinking but when I have a drink or see people drink these comments stick with me and I feel like an awful person.  These statements are not true.  How did I let someone fuck me up so deeply and badly?

I feel that these issues directly affect my relationship now.  I don’t know what to do other than try to understand why I feel the way I do, and try and figure out what I believe in and how I feel about certain things.  There are still so many things I would like to try and do to help figure myself out.
Separation, divorce issues those are there too.  God why is it that when some men divorce they feel they are free from all responsibility?  I mean financially my house and all house extras are paid for with child support, however before being divorced all this was paid for plus all the extra’s to life, programs for the children, food, beautiful clothes, car insurance, registration, ect…  Now I have to actually worry about these things and how to pay it.  I no longer get raises.  It sucks.  I mean this wasn't in my five, ten, fifteen year plan.  At times this makes me angry.  I shouldn't be angry I know this.  I am ultimately out of a crappy marriage, with a great boyfriend now and I still don’t work full time, in fact I hardly even work part time.  I have to admit I am sure I have it better than most divorce people but I still find this challenging at times. 

Then there is the responsibility of kids.  He has four days a month with them, and he can’t even commit to the every other weekend we set up.  Not once, well maybe once or twice, he has kept the weekends we originated when he left in October.  I mean seriously grow up and tell your gay friends who don’t have any kids that you have two children 11 and 8 whom you are responsible for every other weekend and whatever gathering, party or activity being done on the weekend you have your children is something that you will not be able to make because spending time with your kids on the weekends you agreed to is more important.  I am tired of being flexible!!!  I have a life too.  Grow up and be responsible it’s not like you have the kids 26 days a month and need a break.  Not that I need a break, but I do believe in structure and it would be nice to make plans or not make plans what does it matter.

Anyways, there are struggles with getting divorced.  The hardest part, sometimes I get so confused about how I feel, why I feel a certain way I take it out on the most amazing guy ever.  I never imagined or thought possible that I would meet such an extraordinary gentleman.  He treats me like the princess I am, he truly cares for me, helps me when I am in need and I love him.  Hopefully one day, I won’t feel so broken but complete, and like I understand myself a little more.  I am thankful that he can understand some of this to a point and supports me in finding myself and who I am.

I am ultimately happy with my new life.  I have found someone that I feel something magical with.  It was worth it.  So for everyone who is going through or facing a divorce I guess I have to say, it is hard.  It takes a lot of time.  All people are different, but the emotions will be relatively the same just experienced at different times, some people move faster than others and come to realizations quicker as well, but the struggles still remain.  I just hope that if you are anything like me that you will move on too and know that there is someone else out there that is so much better than what you currently have, there is someone out there that wants to treat you the way you deserve, the way you want.   

1 comment:

  1. Happy belated new year to you. You've come a long way. Be well.