Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Nothing New

Everything is the same here.  Jerry did move out and it’s been a month with a few arguments.  I feel like I am in the nesting stage of pregnancy without the child though.  I don’t feel organized, clean or complete.  My life seems in disarray at the moment.  I haven’t quite figured out a schedule or a routine that I follow yet, I am working on this!

Levi and I have changed the house, I love it and for once I feel as if it is truly a home I would want to be in.  We moved the family room from down in the basement to the formal living room upstairs.  It is now a family room where the kids, Levi and I enjoy spending time together watching shows like Face Off, Survivor, even football.  Although Levi doesn't watch as much football as I thought he would, maybe eventually when he is more comfortable with me.  We turned the basement into a game room for the kids and us.  It is equipped with an air hockey table, Foosball table, basketball hoop, karaoke machine, then we have an art room with a projector, eventually a wall painted with chalk paint, and the next room is the toy room full of legos, dolls ect.  I bought Riley a new bunk bed and room d├ęcor for the beginning teen age years as well as a place for Levi’s daughter to feel included and comfortable.  It is now their room. 

I am completely in love with Levi and when I am with him I feel like he told me in a letter once, that I am floating on forever.  I appreciate him and all he is.  I couldn't imagine being any happier than I am now with him.  Happy.  What a funny term. 

Happily married.  Are you really happily married?  I wasn't.  I pretended to be, pretended to have a better marriage even when I was told he was gay, I was so upset.  Why?  There are so many things that come to building a marriage and a family, money, work, debt, homes, cars ect.  I was losing it all, losing the only person I really talked to.  Was I happy though?  Knowing now how happy I am when I am with Levi, I wasn't happy I was slowly suffocating.

God it is so nice to be with someone that I can laugh with every day.  Someone who can turn my frown into a smile or an awful day into the best.  We don’t fight and if we do at least it’s not every day, once a week or even once a month.  I am forty pound heavier the heaviest I have ever been and my man still finds me sexy.  I love him so much, and however this ends up I still feel that there is no other ride that I would rather be on, than the one I am on with him.