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Monday, September 24, 2012

Will I have a happy ending?


Two lives commented on my last post.  He asked if it was safe to say, if now that I have Levi and Jerry of my story has a happy ending.  First and foremost I would like to clarify that I do not have both Levi and Jerry, I simply have Levi and as of this moment I am very happy with him.
Jerry no longer holds any strings to my emotions, even though there are more times than not that I find myself getting angry at the decisions he makes.  However, the decisions and choices he makes has no bearing on my life.  Jerry and I separate both our physical life together as well as our emotional life, we really don't have anything in common anymore and every day that grows deeper.  

I feel that at the moment both of my children are suffering from the next step in my separation from Jerry.  I feel that I have not been a supportive mother to my children in regards to my divorce.  The children just barely found out about the divorce in February and since then have had no real time to understand or go through day to day emotions of losing someone.  I find this very difficult to deal with.  They are still kids and the most important thing to them is playing, but at the same time they are dealing with some pretty hard stuff. 

As a mother I have been very lax trying to make up what I wasn’t able to provide them with, I have a lot of guilt over my divorce in regards to the kids.  Allowing them to get away with things is only making the situation worse.  I fully believe that kids need structure and somewhere in the last two years we have lost all the structure I worked for over the last 8 years.  I am finally finding my way back and coming to an understanding of how much structure, routine and family time positively support kids especially during hard times.  I am also looking into support groups for children of divorced parents to help them with emotional needs I am currently unable to help them with.
Seeing my children go through this, as their dad continually puts them on the back burner is difficult, and this aspect of my life I do not feel happy in.  

As I have learned from this process though I can only do what I can do, I cannot change anyone else or make them feel any certain way,   Levi has been an outstanding man for my children and I greatly appreciate everything he is able to provide us.

I find myself enjoying life more when Levi is around.  I laugh more; I don’t feel as if I have to pretend to be someone I am not.  With Levi, I feel as if I can be myself and that is a quality that I wouldn’t change for anything.  I am not blind, he is not my rebound guy.  I dated enough to know that I have a solid connection with Levi and at this moment I have no future plans with him.  I am completely in Love with him and plan to continue my relationship with him on a day to day basis.  We will see where things lead but I have no plans of rushing into anything.  Right now I am just enjoying his company, laughing with him, and loving the fact that I can learn more about him every day.

Friday, September 21, 2012

Update

On the 29th it'll be a year since I have found out that Jerry is gay.  A LOT has changed in the year.  I went from being a damaged wife to a gay man, to a crazy obsessed person, to a person who knew she needed to move on.  Moving on wasn't easy, and I feel for all the wives out there who are going through what I went through.  Some people find it easier than others to move on, it took me a year.  I feel that I am one of the lucky ones, from my understanding this sort of relationship takes anywhere from 2-5 years to deal with.  I am sorry for everyone who is going through what I went through.

I played along for so many years that I had the perfect marriage, the perfect life, with the perfect children, house, dogs and the typical american dream.  I couldn't realize everything all at once it toos days, weeks, even months and everyday I am still realizing what a shit marriage and life I was truly leading.  It was hard to pretend that everything was so perfect.

In the end, the first realization I came to was my husband was indeed gay and my actual marriage wasn't what I thought it was.  That my marriage and everything that we worked for wasn't going to work out the way we arranged and planned it to.  That I deserved more than he could offer me.  That the love i have for him was never the love that a man and woman share in an intimate and deep way, it was a love of a brother or really great friend.  That my children will be just fine.  It doesn't hurt anymore, I am not afraid anymore of everything I thought I was losing, but I am excited for everything that I am gaining, learning and experiencing.

Jerry and I just separated all of our credit cards, and our bank accounts.  He is moving out October 1st.  He is still dating Berkus, although Berkus is still planning on leaving sometime in January for work purposes.  I am still dating Levi, and things are going very well.  I can honestly say that I am in love with him!  I never thought I would be lucky enough to find a guy with everything I wanted and needed in my life, and I did.  We are taking things slow, but they are going fast at the same time.  We spend everyday together and my children absolutely love him.  He is not moving in, he feels it is best for the kids if we wait until there is more of a commitment between us.  I have to agree.

Jerry and I are working on my eldest daughters adoption paperwork.  After that goes through we will start officially working on our divorce papers.  I am ready to close this chapter of my life with Jerry and move toward to the next chapter.  We still communicate as friends but mainly about the children and their progress.  I have no hard feelings and understand that he dd not do this on purpose.