Monday, July 30, 2012


No one can tell you what sexy is because sexy is based solely on perception and everyone’s perception on sexy is different.  All I know is that I don’t feel sexy.  Do you?

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There is one thing that keeps me from feeling sexy and that is my back which contains small amounts of acne and the very few dimples I have on my upper thigh and buttocks.  If I don’t perceive that as being sexy why would anyone else look at me and find me sexy?    

The girl on the left I find super sexy?  Does anyone else though?  Is it just my perception or is she sexy and everyone knows it.

Take for instance take the show Vampire Diaries.
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    The man on the right I do not find sexy.  he is a good looking man but for me he is not sexy.  The man on the left however I find very sexy.  Dark hair, light eyes.  The character he plays in the tv show helps portray the sexiness I find within him.  Dark, mysterious, powerful essentially a bad boy with a kind heart.  

How different are our views when it comes to sexy because I know more women who would prefer the man on the right.  The woman in the middle well, she is pretty but definitely not what I would determine as sexy.

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So in the next picture there is a girl the right side is clear of any acne and the left side has a few acne marks.  To me it is obvious which one is sexy.  Clear skin is always sexier then skin with acne.  I would hope that everyone would agree with me on this.  So the question remains how can someone find someone who has acne sexy if we would all vote for the lady with clear skin?  Is sexy just simply a physical component or does sexy also involve our personalities and do the physical components that make us not sexy get overlooked because of our personalities? 

I think our personalities have to be the key factor in determining our sexiness!  Does love really make us blind to flaws?  Do you see the flaws in your partner?  Is it a bothersome part in finding them sexy?  Do you simply overlook the flaws?  Why is that we all have insecurities and flaws and yet people still find us attractive and sometimes yes even sexy?  Is it all lies to coat our sensitive ego?  

Learning Curve

So I am dating this really great guy, yes the same guy, the first guy I started e-mailing through a dating site when I found out the news.  Anyways, things are going well.  I am constantly learning from him.  Some of the things I learn is just simply for good conversation, some, most I can apply to my life though to become a better person.  He is wonderful with my children and seeing him with them makes me realize how important they are.  Watching him, reminds me that I need to take time out and not worry so much about a clean house, or all the others things I need to get done because the most important thing I should be doing is spending quality play time with my children.  Every day, he teaches me how to be a better parent and I am so appreciative and thankful to him for that. 

I have also learned through him, that what I thought I wanted in the next man I married if I married at all isn’t at all what I want or need.  I thought I wanted and needed flowers, and cards and romance so that I would feel and know I was appreciated and loved.  It’s in my blog somewhere, about not settling for less.  Well, the truth is all that stuff isn’t really important.  Not that I wouldn’t like it or want it, the gesture and the thought put into still shows what everyone desires to be appreciated and thought of, but it is just not an important aspect in a relationship. 

I am not sure yet if he is the romantic type to do those things yet or not.  He did send me a card though, which was very thoughtful.  The truth is, I would much rather be appreciated and admired on a daily basis through words and looks then to be admired every once in a while through things. 
I am so glad I am here in this spot.  I really like him, more than I should for the timing.  Okay, let’s be truthful I’ve already thrown out the L-bomb, which I totally meant, even though it was on accident the first time.  I’ve only said that word to one other person and that was Jerry.  I take it very seriously and I know all about the rules.  I have double whammy against at this point.  First, is hasn’t even been six months yet since we have seriously dated and second I’m not quite technically divorced yet, I am working on that though. 

He didn’t say it back, which doesn’t surprise me.  We have had conversations about it and how wrong it is to say too soon.  Well, at one point in time I agreed.  In fact I laughed and joked about people saying that too soon, like how could you possibly know.  Well, I don’t know maybe it’s the chemicals in my brain over reacting, maybe it’s just getting out of a not so great relationship, but at the same time aren't people smart enough just to know that.  Regardless if my timings off, regardless is he stays with me or leaves me, I feel that way.  I felt that way for a while, so much so sometimes that it reminds of bubble that keeps getting fuller with that emotion, and I feel as though I’m going to burst if I keep in.  I don’t say it often but I sometimes just want to shout it, I love you! 

I guess if I had to answer why I feel that way I would say it’s because even if this doesn’t work out, which again going with statistics is highly unlikely, I want the very best for him.  I feel that way because I have never felt like being so open with someone and sharing so much of me, the good and the bad, I have never felt so comfortable around anyone, and I have never felt so, unexplainably attracted to someone.  I want to add happiness to his life, and do things for him.  He does a lot for himself and sometimes it is really hard, because I feel so guilty.  It could be as simply as him getting his own water, but I just want to do it for him and when I don’t I feel like I am not treating him the way he should be treated.  I know, I know, I know!!!  I don’t need a comment on this one.

Sometimes, I feel as though I am letting myself get too deep with him.  I feel as though at times I walking a dangerous line with my emotions, sometimes I feel like I am close to drowning.  How is possible to like someone so much, when I hardly know them.  I guess when it comes down to it, it is a choice.  I am choosing to cross the line, and get involved with my emotions, in the end if my heart gets broken, it was worth every second I got to spend with him, because every second I spend with him right now I feel happy, and grateful, and I feel good about myself, and  through him I becoming a better person, so I ask myself how is any of that a negative?

Anyways, that is how I am doing.  My kids are great as well, and they really like him.  I do have to remind them though that relationships between adults can end at any time for any reason.  I am okay with my heart getting broken; I am not okay for kids to be affected if something goes wrong.  God, I worry about this my kids are my everything.