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Thursday, May 31, 2012

The END


I’m closing out this blog.  A woman in love to a gay man is no longer.  It has been quite a journey and it’s far from over so I will be starting a new blog, to segment the new chapter in my life.  If you would like to follow my new blog you can view it at http://lifeafterdivorceanewbeginning.blogspot.com/
To end this blog all I can say is people change.  People change.   I remember when this all started and Jerry would say to me, you are my best friend I couldn’t imagine my life without you.  When I move out I will live a block away from you so I can be with the kids as much as I desire.  I want you to call me on skype every day before we go to bed so we can talk about our day.  I believed his words with all my heart at one point in this. 

People on this blog said it’ll never work, you are not friends!  You are an ex-wife.  I didn’t understand what they were trying to tell me.  I understand it now.  We were best friends a long time ago, then slowly we lost the best friendship we had and he became my husband.  After one becomes a significant party to you and you share a life and kids together, you can’t go backwards in time and share a best friendship again.  People change and so do their relationships.

Jerry still lives here and I am patiently waiting for the day he moves out.  I am ready to start a new life without him.  He doesn’t call me, let alone does he skype me.  He doesn’t involve me in his life, other than a few words at the dinner table, and he certainly could give a shit about living close to the kids and I.  He’s on a completely different journey, and most days I feel like he has completely walked away from us emotionally. 

I have accepted this, even though it has been a very slow acceptance.  I become less tolerant, more demanding and a stronger person with every step.

For all that have offered support through this time, thank you!

Michelle

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

A New Day: A New Beginning: Life after divorce


Life is really good.  I haven’t been writing on my blog, and they changed everything around.  I have no idea how to really use this thing anymore.  I need to write more or at least look at it more often and get used to it again. 

So, what’s really going on in my life???  Well, do you remember the guy that I started talking to shortly after Steven came out, the guy I went on my first date with, the guy I didn’t want to see again, the guy whom I saw again and took me to that Zac Brown concert.  Well, we took our relationship to the sexual level a couple of months ago.  He broke up with twice, because he’s CRAZY about not getting serious.  Well, after dating a few in between him and I, during our break-ups, I decided I didn’t want to date!  I didn’t like these guys and it took too much time to date people, when I already had a guy I liked in front of me!  Yes, he is scared of marriage, yes he has chickened out of seeing me more than once, and yes I have that power over guys to get what I want! 

I wrote him a letter explaining that we didn’t have to be serious; for goodness sake I am STILL married.  He totally came around and we have been seeing each other nonstop for a couple of months taking it very slowly, probably slower than a snail’s pace.  Anyways, he finally met my kids three days ago.  I thought I liked him before……

He’s attractive, something very deep and sincere in his eyes, I don’t know what but it’s like I can feel and see everything when I look at him.  He is strong, he is intelligent, he knows a little bit about a lot of everything.  He is funny, and I laugh all the time when I am with him, very important feature for me, Laughing!!!  He is a wonderful father or at least he says he is, and I really believe him!!!  He is sexy as he rides a Harley, he likes to be outdoors another positive!  He is super nice and very caring and sweet to me.  Yes, he is that guy that when I have no make-up on, hairs a wreck from a good  nights sleep, and I am bloated from my period leans over and says, your beautiful when you just wake up!  SWEET DICKENS, I don’t think I have ever heard that as I look like a monster in the mornings.  Great line, totally don’t believe him, but I will take the compliment any day of the week!!!  He holds my hand in public, kisses romantically in public, dances with me when we are alone, draws, and now that he has met my kids does things with and for them as well!  Can we say practically perfect!!!!  Still moving at a snails pace though people, I am not looking for anything serious.

We are simply friends with benefits, although technically he is my boyfriend, just without that specific title.  Titles don’t matter just like a piece of paper didn’t matter.  As long as he treats me right and we have fun, I could stay like this with him.  He is great with my kids which is my number one priority!  He plays soccer in the backyard with them, he plays golf with them in the front yard, draws pictures of me while they do their homework, helps me cook and clean up, and talks to the kids about their interest, which is more than I have been doing.  He is helping me right now to rediscover the mom I used to be before all this went down.  I like it, I like being a mom and a wife.  I know this.  I’m glad that this guy is here right now, he was meant for me in this situation, he was meant to help me remember what a great mom is, and how much fun it is to be a family with someone.  One day I will marry again, and maybe even have a few more kids!

Today he took me hiking and I totally love hiking!!  Then he suggested that we pick my kids up after school and take them for ice cream.  A say what????.....  Way cool!!!

Jerry, surprised me with flowers for mother’s day today.  It was a very thoughtful and sweet gesture.  I really appreciated it!!

I am moving on, and forward and there is life after divorce.  A life I can see that is better than being married to a gay husband.  It is nice to be looked at, admired and appreciated as a woman!!!!  It is nice to not have to stretch myself, it is nice to not have to constantly try or worry about weight.  I am happy, and today and for the last two weeks, I am very glad that Jerry came out, that we are divorcing, there really is so much more to life than what Jerry provided for me.  The sex, the appreciation, the caressing, the simple everyday gestures most wives receive.  It’s nice and in the end it is worth the pain of leaving to know that there is something more fulfilling out there.

I don’t regret it.  I like who I am and couldn’t have become that without Jerry!    

Sunday, May 6, 2012

Introducing Myself to the New Me.


I haven’t written in a long time.  I didn’t know exactly what to write.  As time progresses through this process I have realized a couple of things.  I am who I am!  I am not defective, I don’t need to change.  The truth is I like who I am!  I liked being a wife, a caretaker.  I like being a mother.  I like staying home with my children or doing activities with them.  One day I would love to have more children if my body permits and of course if I find the right person.  I didn’t think I would want to marry again, I mean I really think about it how do I trust marrying someone, how do I trust someone other than myself again?
The truth is you just do!  Friends make mistakes, people make mistakes and somehow you just learn to forgive and move forward.  To not move forward, to hold on to the instincts of not trusting anyone again would be a tragedy for anyone!  I don’t want to love the rest of my alone; I want to love someone, to provide for them the way I know how.  The only difference is this time I want that love and admiration returned!

I want to feel beautiful, and appreciated, respected and considered.  I don’t want to have to beg to have sex, or to have my hand held in public.  I don’t want to have to fish for compliments, and I don’t want to fight or argue over stupid things. 

I never realized it before, or even remotely understood it, but I now have a glimpse of why it occurs.  Why do people who are being verbally or physically abused stay with their abuser?  I know why!  It’s because they love them, and they will do anything to provide for them what it is they need.  It’s because people make excuses for their abuser!  It only happens because…..rough childhood, mother or father died, stress at work, insecurities there are a number of excuses out there, if you truly believe the reasoning you never really see the abuse.  You don’t see it because you’re so worried about their feelings, their love and affection for you and somewhere along the way you lose yourself in it, you may even start to think less of yourself or start to change who you are to meet their needs.  The only way one can truly survive an abusive relationship is by recognizing that they as a person are worth more!  They are worth more than they are receiving, that they are beautiful, courageous and strong, that it isn’t their fault.

I’m not saying I was abused…I’ll am saying is I understand it now.  I wrote a nasty blog about Steven long ago, all of it was true, I deleted it though because he hated it.  Anyways, we no longer really friends we talk and communicate about work, kids and financials, this relationship is working well for us now.  Yesterday, he was home and I was cooking and doing things in the kitchen.  I had three full bags of trash by the door.  I told him, “Our trash can is full, I will take it over to our neighbors in a minute.”   He went out and I asked if he could move the Green Trash out to the curb so I wouldn’t have to.  He was gone for a minute.  He came in and two seconds later he took the three bags of trash, he was literally gone for two seconds.  To give him credit, in a disapproving, irritated voice I asked, “You didn’t just leave those on the patio did you?”  He responded, “I placed them where I wanted them to go.”  I responded aggravated, “You know you can’t just leave those on the back patio, the dogs will get to them and leave trash laying around the yard.”  It started a fight…

Looking at this fight, I realized for the first time all of our fights were like this.  Somehow this whole situation became my fault, for assuming, he wasn’t wrong at all, and I am the one to apologize.  Sorry, but, this was not my fault it was his!  He could have simply responded, I made room in the trash and threw them away.  It would have ended there. 

I don’t know if we will survive this as friends, and I am realizing that it is okay.  I am me and I know who that is.  He is him and he has no idea who he is.  I know now that I don’t need to change who I am because of him.  I like me, I like that I care for people!