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Sunday, April 15, 2012

LETTING GO OF THE OLD AND ACCEPTING THE NEW

So I am still having a hard time.  People grow a part, I know this we all know this.  Divorce is hard on everyone, not just the people who divorce because of sexual orientation.  When we marry we each give up part of ourselves and sometimes even all of ourselves so we can combine as one.  We alter our lives so much that in a sense we start to forget who we really are.  Our ideals change, philosophy on life, we essentially mold to the person we marry.  For me, I didn’t know who I was or even who I wanted to be.  I didn’t know what I enjoyed doing, or even what makes ME happy.  It was easy to conform and give up my happiness and create a new happiness because I didn’t know or understand what my passions were when I married. 
Maybe that’s why the divorce rate is so high in America, because we all search for that happiness, and we believe in the movies that tell us that being happy, and ultimate happiness is only found in that one person you feel like you are supposes to be with for the rest of your life.  It’s so false it is just the surface of the movie.  Most people are raised believing that happiness only comes when one meets the right person and creates a life with him or her and have kids a house, a money making career.  Most Americans get married young before we as people can understand ourselves, our wants needs and our own desires.  I did anyway.  Now that I am getting divorced, I don’t know where to start in finding my own happiness.  I have relied on someone else for so long to provide that happiness, that contentment for me.  I relied on delving all of myself into this person and into my kids so that I wouldn’t have to go searching for my own personal happiness.  I wouldn’t have to figure out what makes me happy as an individual.  I defined myself as a wife and a mother as a best friend.  I stopped being the confused Michelle that I was and just became what was easier.
The way I feel isn’t Jerry’s fault, I know this.  People don’t make you happy, only you can make yourself happy.  Jerry gave up his happiness for ten years, Jerry has always known who he is, and what makes him happy and he gave it all up for me and our family.  Some people say that he was a coward, a liar, that he used me, that his dishonesty with me was the ultimate betrayal.  Was it though?  How could anyone think like that?  I mean how courageous is it knowing who you really are, and knowing what would really make you happy and giving that up so you could appear to be “normal” as society thinks.  Everything in life happens for a reason I still believe this.  If I hadn’t chosen to get pregnant at 19, to fill the void of unhappiness I felt, Jerry and I would have never married.
I would be a single mom, probably white trash.  The daughter I had wouldn’t know what it was like to have a stay at home mom, I would have probably never had a son, and I know indefinitely I wouldn’t have married I would have dated losers because I didn’t expect much from myself then.  I expect more from me now!  Jerry and I married for a reason, he is gay for a reason.  He chose to hide that for a reason.  Whether he was afraid of coming out, or because he chose to give up to be the father to my daughter, I find his choices courageous.  
I on the other hand like the easy way.  I like to put everything into box, and not deal with it.  Well, I have to deal with it, after 16 years of putting it away and onto a shelf, it’s finally time to deal with it.  What in this life makes, me, Michelle, happy?  I don’t know, but I am trying to figuring it out and for some reason I don’t think it’s going to happen overnight.  One step at a time I guess.
I’m still struggling with my place in Jerry’s life.  It doesn’t feel natural or normal for me yet.  I feel left out!  For those of you reading don’t try and define my relationship with Jerry, or tell me that I am just the ex-wife.  That is Jerry’s decision and his alone.  The fact is I feel everyday more and more like the ex-wife.  Which is fine, but I get confused.  Are we friends or do you want me to be just the ex-wife.  Sometimes I don’t know.  It’s like he comes home and we share lots and lots of information about his life, and some about mine.  Then he calls me all the time, at least once during work and then usually after work and sometimes on his way home.  Most Fridays we hang out, do lunch, look at homes or cars.  It’s fun and I like hanging out with him, but at the same time it’s also VERY different.  Most times I feel I am just a have to, not a want to.  I feel like I am the person he sees only because Berkus is busy or there is no one else to hang out with.  That is a shitty feeling!!!  Sometimes I would just like to know that we really are friends, that he wants to hang out with me because it is a want to.  Sometimes it would be nice to know that he is choosing to hang out with me, but the truth is the minute he has an opportunity to ditch me, he does and it’s usually in lightning speed.  It hurts my feelings.
The truth is, instead of being mad at Jerry, or feeling unwanted, I just need to simply let him go completely.  I just need to realize that it is not as simply as I would like it to be!  It’s not just about being just the ex-wife or just a friend, but the reality is I am simply the ex-wife/friend I don’t know if that label will ever change to being just a friend.  As much as I would like it to, I don’t know that it is possible.
Instead of feeling hurt or sad because Jerry would much rather hang out with anyone but me, I need to accept the fact that the friendship we had before marriage is over, the friendship we had during our marriage is over, and I am now just the baggage that he carries.  I’m the ex-wife/friend, the person he calls to talk to, to get advice from, to avoid his boredom.  I need to accept our new friendship for what it is now, and not what I hoped it to be.  I need to accept that he is moving on, and I again I need to let him.  I need to stop holding on to him so hard.  I need to stop relying on him to hang out with me.  I need to stop thinking that possibly one day he will want to hang out with me like he used to. 
I need to let go, and learn to accept him for his new self, and our relationship for what it is and not what I want or desire it to be.  I need to learn to be happy without him.  I need to learn how to hang out by myself and make myself happy.  What is it that I want to do.  Sitting at home and hoping that Jerry will come home and want to hang out with me isn’t the ideal answer and isn’t working.  Wanting to spend time with Jerry right now, is very one sided, I want to and he doesn’t.  I need to be okay with that, because if I am not I will never allow myself to find the happiness I deserve without him.
Maybe one day we can be the friends he talked about, maybe one day I will become the friend he talked about when he first came out.  The friend he wanted to call before he went to bed, or the friend who wanted to come over for dinner, or the friend that wanted to go on a vacation together.  All I know is I have to stop REYLING on that because right now that isn’t the friend he wants, needs or desires.  Right now, I am just someone that is comfortable to him.  I’ll learn to be here as the friend he needs right now, and somehow I will let go of the idea of being the friend we discussed at one point during this process.
How do I make myself happy.  Learning to not RELY on Jerry is one way!  I know I don’t like dating, it makes me NOT happy at ALL!  I do know that I like doing crafts.  I would like to decorate my room and make it shabby chic, now instead of talking about it I just need to do it.  So here goes my first step in finding happiness.  Creating a shabby chic room.  Wish me luck!!!  It’s going to be a lot of work I fear!  I don’t have much moola to spend so I am going to refurbish old furniture. 

Monday, April 9, 2012

BOXES

Okay, so another talk.  Jack Scott left a comment that said I was needy and un-happy.  I appreciate his insight!  I don’t agree with it, but none the less I appreciate it.  What I did decide from his comment is that, I am a woman, everything about me screams CARETAKER!   Not just for Jerry, for EVERYONE!!!  Maybe that is the reason I want to be a teacher because it is the ultimate caretaker role.  I have an inevitable need to make people’s lives easier, better to encourage them to be the greatness that they imagine themselves to be.  It is just who I am.  If a neighbor or a friend says I would really like this, and I go shopping and I happen to come across it, I buy it because they mentioned that they wanted it.  If someone says I am having trouble with this, guess what I do, I try to help them. 
So naturally I do things for Jerry, that resemble a wife’s role.  That isn’t it though.  If he didn’t have time to do laundry I would opt to do it for him, if he decides to go out when I am home doing laundry then I don’t do for him.  To me that is a choice, he is choosing to go out when he could do laundry.  However, if he was gone all weekend, I would do his laundry because he was too busy to do it and it’s nice to have clean clothes in the beginning of a work week.  I know it doesn’t make sense.  My conclusion is this not all people think like me!  Jerry is one of those friends I have in my life who doesn’t think like me. 
Thinking on all my friends though, most of them do think like me!  If I were to mention something they would offer to help or pick it up for me.  My friends will stop by with bakes goods to just to say I am thinking about, and I do the same. 
So I guess what it comes down to is I am just confused on the relationship I want with Jerry.  What is it he can provide for me as a friend and only as a friend?  How do I separate our friend relationship from the husband role he used to play?  Is it inevitable that I will always just be his ex?  I don’t know, I am confused and I certainly don’t have the answers.
The lesson I need to learn.  STOP putting people in boxes and categorizing them.  Just let the relationship be a grow as it is supposed to.  How does one do that though?  I mean I know my friend Kristen is a GREAT friend, but I don’t feel certain information about my life now, so I don’t share it with her.  My friend Angela is a way better friend in the sharing of information area, she can handle it and I don’t feel as though she is judging me.  So again I am placing them in boxes, by how I think they will react.  I also know that all the friends I have made here, are just that friends for the minute or as long as we remain neighbors.  If one of us were to move the friend relationship would end.  So while I consider some of them my best friends now, I still keep them emotionally at the acquaintance level in a friendship.  I believe I know exactly how much of a friendship will be provided from them.  Again boxes.
So my problem with Jerry I don’t exactly know what box to place him in and it is driving me completely crazy!!!  JUST LET IT GO MICHELLE!!!!
On that note I subbed today as playground and resource assistant and I totally loved it.  I have homework tomorrow.  I am hoping to complete 6-8 papers by Friday night!  Other than that life is going okay. 
I texted my mother, saying she could call me.  First step I guess.  Riley knows the Easter bunny, Santa, and the Tooth Fairy are Jerry and I.  She was sad but relieved to know the truth as all of her friends were talking about it at school today.  She said she wouldn’t tell Kennet until he reached fourth grade.  She said he should know so he doesn’t get made fun of.  Thank goodness Riley knows when not to argue her beliefs!!  She let them talk and didn’t interject, and then she came home and said, this is what is being said I would like to know the truth.  My daughter is wise beyond her age!!  I really appreciate her for who she is.         

Sunday, April 8, 2012

I Will Always be the EX

I am having a hard day.  Our couple counselor said the tears would come again, especially because I have a talent of shoving everything into box.  He said the box can only handle so much, so the tears will start to come.  You will let a little out at a time, only because the box can’t handle holding anymore stuff.  Eventually you need to go through box and get rid of it all.  Right now, it’s easier to block it out, and to put a pretty smile on and act like everything is great and move forward.  Hide my problems with the fa├žade of dating and trying to have fun.

I realized I wasn’t really dealing with my emotions the other day.  Doug stopped seeing me.  I think he liked me too much, and I am not ready to settle down and not date someone if they ask.  On that note, I started seeing someone else, I met through a friend.  He’s a little young.  26, but he is so gorgeous!  Every Gay man’s dream if you’re into boyish looks.  Brownish, blond hair beautiful, bright blue eyes, a killer smile, and a rock hard body.  P90X seriously works, OMG.  He is super nice to boot a fantastic kisser.  I will continue dating him, I won’t tell him I am not dating others because I don’t want to get serious still, but the fact is I really need to focus on me. 

I need to monitor my eating patterns, my water intake and work out.  I have been doing school and I am doing well, at catching up.  I still have a lot to catch up on but I am pretty sure I can get it done!
For the last month Jerry and I have gotten along great, the last week for me has been hard though.  I know women say don’t blame it on that time of the month, but I know some of my issues is because it’s that time of month.  Not to say that I don’t normally feel this way, it’s just more intense right now.  Jerry, I think is struggling to be my friend or the friend that I need him to be.  I need him to buy me flowers and say thanks for all you do.  I appreciate you!  Or chocolates, because he knows it’s that time of the month, or invite me out to ice cream because I am sad.  Ice cream cheers everyone up!  Or just do something thoughtful for me because I do a lot for him, because I am the mother of his children, because I am his best friend. 

He says he can’t because it feels as if I am still holding him to the standard of being romantic, dating or husband like stuff.  You know fuck that!!!  He never did that stuff as a husband and when we weren’t even dating he did that stuff.  I want it because it is a sign of appreciation for ME!  I can handle most of our conversations about Berkus or whoever.  But it really affects me when he tells me certain things.  For instance, he bought Berkus’s friend flowers because it was her Birthday.  When is the last time he bought me anything for my birthday.  Umm… right after Aidan was born he bought me pajama’s from Victoria Secrets.  He did scavenger hunt for Berkus, yet he doesn’t consider me that way.  He talks all the time of buying my neighbor Flowers or Chocolates, because she is going through a hard time, or just because.  What ABOUT me. 
Oh, forgive me he does think about me, he helped me clean the kitchen because his kids made a mess.  He swept the floor because his kids and their friends dragged grass through the house, he cleaned the coffee pot, because I drink a lot of coffee and he thought it would be nice.  He weeded the yard because it would be helpful to me.  He took out the trash, and offered to wash my jeans.  He left me the pack of cigarettes so I wouldn’t have to run to the store.  I mean all of that stuff shows me thought and appreciation. He did it for me.  No, not because it is stuff that needs to be done anyways but because he was thinking of me.  Whatever!!!!  I feel that that stuff needs to be done, do I appreciate his help yes bt I fucking list a million things that I do like that on a daily basis, maybe I should just start saying it’s all for him.

I swept and mopped, cleaned the kitchen, and microwave, dusted and clean bathrooms because I thought it would be nice for him.  I do more than that for him, the thought for me is there.  I make three times the amount dinner and pack it away for his lunches, I try to ensure he always has something readily available for lunch.  I try to ensure he always has his power bars available.  He says, I would really like a new Gym bag, the one I have now is too small for my overnights, so what do I do?  I go out and look for a gym bag that looks exactly like the one he has, because he loves, but bigger and buy it for him for Easter.  He says I would really like some sunglasses, so what I do I look at Kohls for glasses, knowing how picky he is about glasses I didn’t buy any but the thought and consideration for him as a friend was there.  He comes home pissed off one day, what I do I volunteer to take him to ice cream, because again it cheers everyone up.  Being sarcastic here(I have done all of these considerate things for him because I am trying to date him, treat him as my husband, and be romantic with him.  No I didn’t do these things, because that is simply what a thoughtful friend does.  No I have hidden motives and alternatives like me treating him nicely is going to make him ungay!)

I am retreating back to my old patterns, because I don’t know how else to handle my feelings of being unappreciated as his friend.  I feel he should show me some sort of appreciation more so than his boyfriend, his friend or our neighbor or his work people because I have done more for him than anyone else, because I am his best friend and it would be nice to know that I am appreciated!  So I am going back to ignoring him for a while.  He says it’s too hard to know the boundaries.  I mean if I do these things it makes me feel like I am being romantic with you.  So forget it, he wants to still look at me as a wife or ex-wife and not a friend than I need to act like an ex-wife and not a friend. 

So, my solution to my problem, STOP treating him like a friend.  Treat him like the ex-husband just like he treats me as the ex-wife.  No more calls to bullshit, no helping him solve problems or issues, no personal talk.  Talk about the kids, and leave it at that.  Maybe if I start treating him as the ex-husband instead of as a friend he will realize what a friend I really am.  I don’t know what else to do, but I really am tired of feeling this way, always the ex-wife and not important any longer since we are divorced.  Divorce will be final in five to six weeks.

Oh and another shitty friend thing he did, he brought up that Berkus’s birthday is the 25 of May, mines the 28th.  Berkus wants to celebrate his birthday in a big way, go to Lake Powell or rent a cabin.  Jerry asked me, how do I tell Berkus that I can’t go?  Seriously asshole, you’re asking me this?  You know my birthday is important, and you’re asking me this.  Great fucking guilt trip, you couldn’t have said to him, I can’t make it because Michelle’s birthday is that same weekend and it is very important to her, so I need to celebrate it with her, or you couldn’t have told me, Michelle I know how important your birthday is, but something’s going on Memorial Day Weekend that I would like to go to, can we celebrate your birthday the week before or after?  I fucking hate my Brithday, because no one’s ever here for it!!!!  SUCK a DICK!