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Saturday, March 24, 2012

THANK YOU!!!!!

This blog has been so helpful, in figuring things out.  The blog as an outlet has been great!  I’m in such a wonderful place in my life right now.  I owe a huge Thanks to all my readers who have kicked me in ass, supported me, and have given me great advice and a future to look forward too.  To Jim who is still best friends with his ex, a wonderful father who I feel has a similar deep love with his ex that Jerry and I share!  To T, Jims boyfriend who has been very concerned about my physical and mental well-being, pushing me to find myself and to take care of myself.  To Jack Scott who has given me a lot to think about and has walked me through this in baby steps.  To Iris who has been my friend my confidant and who has been the woman outlet that I desperately needed through this hardship.  Her feelings have been very similar to mine and she understood how I felt and what I was going through.  JF Break, your concern, advice and positive outlook has helped me immensely!  Buddy Bear, your blog has been the fresh and fun that helped me realize how important it was for Jerry to do what he is doing!  Two lives and your very intriguing articles, Moho Hawaii your encouragement in just knowing you have been through the same.  There are many more people I want to thank but I won’t list you all here.  I just want you all to know I appreciate everything you have brought to my life, and I really don’t think I would have been able to survive this without you all.  Thank you for sharing your lives with me through your own blogs, thank you for your advice, your concern.  Even though I don’t know any of you personally I feel very connected to you all.  Thank you!!!!   

Thursday, March 22, 2012

AMAZING

I haven’t written in forever, or so it feels!  I finally found myself!  I am finally meeting my needs and fulfilling my interests in life.  I sort of stopped writing because, well…  Life is full of twists and turns and writing about Jerry’s life was one thing, writing about my life and my own excursions and mistakes is another. 

Like I have been saying though, this is my journal of sorts.  So I here I go!  For those of you who read my blog about the club you already know that wasn’t really my thing!  So I needed to reevaluate my needs and I am in the process of figuring me out.  I have been doing lots of fun things and really enjoying being single.

I am unfortunately having issues though.  To refresh, I met a guy online when I was living in AZ.  We hit it off through e-mail.  When I moved down here went out, and then we went out a couple weeks later, and then we didn’t go out again.  First of all, I’m totally not used to guys not paying me a lot of attention.  Well, he doesn’t.  I’m the first to text, e-mail ect…  So lets back up just a little bit.  I have been on dates with other guys, guys who keep texting and calling and want more.  No matter how rude and mean I am to them they keep coming back for more.  Take the guy I met at the club, yes he found me on my group and e-mailed me.  Totally not interested, and I don’t know if I could have been any clearer!!!

So fast forward, guy I’m interested in e-mails me he wants nothing to do with me, it’s the wrong time, ect, ect.  I being me ignore the e-mail, a couple weeks go by, my neighbor Nicki decides to invite me over for a party, I get drunk and decide to call, yes the guy who isn’t interested.  He comes, I mean seriously what straight guy wouldn’t, especially because I am pretty cute girl!

So we have a lot of fun.  I see him a couple more times throughout the week.  Keep in mind I’m still the one to initiate first contact each and every time.  The truth is I can’t get this guy out of my head.  He’s becoming an addiction and not in a good way.  So while our personal thing hasn’t been more than a week, I started liking him from our e-mail contact. 

Getting to my point…..

I have never been an emotional person, and I have never let anyone besides Jerry get under my skin.  While I am really enjoying myself with him, I feel that I should end things.  Why????  Well, I like him so much!

I’m not ready to be serious with anyone, let alone put myself in a position where I let my emotions run away from me.  I don’t know that I can control my feelings when it comes to him.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not there yet, but I can totally feel and see myself getting there.  Another fact, I’m pretty sure he’s a player.  Yes, one of those guys who knows exactly the right thing to say and do.  Fact is it’s because there is only one thing they want, and it’s the opposite of dick, I won’t say the word to spare all of my gay readers.  So I guess here’s my question….

Do I continue having fun and let my emotions get the best of me eventually or do I stop everything and look in a different direction????

For those of you who want to know how Jerry is doing, it’s off limits to talk about but he is doing fantastic.  I can only imagine it is similar to ONE STEP at a time.  He is still Jerry, funny as ever and cocky, and well my best friend.  So for all of you who were rooting for Jerry he is doing great and has never been happier.  For those of you rooting for me, I was never passionately in love with Jerry and I thought that would be enough.  The guy I am chasing after now has helped me to realize how important life is with a little bit of passion.  I forgot what it feels like to be appreciated as the beautiful woman I am.  For those of you who were rooting for Jerry and I, well our marriage won’t work, we all already knew that.  Conversation between us is very open, I know everything that goes on as he does.  We have come to respect each other and appreciate one another for who we both are.

My mother and I still haven’t talked.  I do talk to Jerry’s family on a regular basis.  I believe in fate and in destiny there’s a reason for everything and in the end I know I am better off for it.

PS..  I have started school again!!!!!!    

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Still trucking along


So I am starting to get back on track.  I actually finished a paper for school.  I am substituting once a week.  I have made plans for fun things to do with the kids on my weekends.  I am going out tonight to a friend’s home to watch Vampire Diaries and Secret Circle, tomorrow I am babysitting, and also letting my children have a sleep over, Saturday I am going to the library to try and catch up on homework.  If I can get at least two papers done that would be great!  I have plans with a friend on Sunday and I am planning on going country dancing with an old friend from work on Wednesday. 
I have been holding the tears back, some day’s it feels as if they are going to burst out.  I know my counselors say to let them out but I just don’t want to.  The truth is I am not over this.  I am still madly in love with my husband.  I wish it were easier.  He started dating Berkus again.  My feelings have nothing to do with Berkus, but my own self.  Jerry is like a drug to me.  I want to be around him and I want to do everything with him.  When he is just hanging out with friends he has a lot of time for me, when one adds a relationship into the mix, he has less time for me.  I realized I am still relying on him and his friendship, when he chooses to stay out all night I feel lonely.  I have decided that I need to figure out how to move forward.
I only know of one way to do it, and it has only been a day but it is very challenging for me.  I want to talk to him, and text him and hang out with him.  I told him yesterday I could no longer do that.  I needed time and space.  So he will only text me concerning the kids, and he will only let me know if he will be out of the house all day on his weekends off.  I am no longer concerned with his work schedule, when or when he will not be home otherwise.  We will do a family dinner for the kids every Wednesday, and then we will switch off every other weekend. 
I plan on being gone when he’s here and hanging out with friends, which I still don’t really have any.  So I am assuming most of my days will be filled with going to the library.  I am going to try and quit smoking. 
I love him so much and I find myself still wanting him, to be with him.  I honestly don’t think I will ever not feel this way about him.  I don’t know that he and I will ever be friends.  It is hard to communicate now.  He has his life which is completely separate from my life.  As the days pass we have less and less to talk about.  I am tired of hearing about all the fun things he is doing, while I get to stay home and watch the kids.  I am tired of hearing stories about people I don’t know.  I feel our friendship is dissolving, I don’t feel it will ever be as strong or as close as we once were as friends.  I feel that this separation is more than just a husband and wife separation, but a separation of our friendship as well.  I don’t think either one of us can deny the fact we are allowing ourselves to grow apart.  This will all end one day.  The best friend and husband I once knew will become a distant stranger. 

Monday, March 12, 2012

Old Problems Cycling Around Again?????


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Writing has been difficult lately.  I am still not talking to my mother, and she reads this blog and so do others.  Writing when you know certain people are reading makes it challenging.  I won’t monitor what I write.  So I have been making great progress in moving forward.  I went out this weekend both nights plus still spent a great deal of time with my children.  Going out to the club and watching my neighbors drink isn’t something I am really interested in.  Although I do really love my neighbor she is wicked cool and way fun to hang out with.
After talking with Jerry today and being jealous of all the fun activities that he gets to do, I decided that it is time I get out and do activities too, I just don’t want to do them alone.  I thought I needed to make friends but I don’t like people.  So I decided why do I need to make friends in an unnatural way?  I have kids who love to go out and do things and who are very well behaved.  I am taking them to see Jack and the Bean Stalk Ballet tomorrow.  My daughter loves Beethoven, so I am taking them in April for a concert.  There is a rodeo on Friday and Chariot racing on Saturday.  Then there is horse racing and also plays, and skiing and festivals.  So I am going to plan something every weekend I have them.  I am also going to go skydiving.
As for Jerry he broke up with Berkus and has been going out with friends and having a great time, his priorities have been focused on creating a friendship and developing a stronger relationship with his children.  Well Thursday night he got back together with Berkus, and since then I have been somewhat irritated at his choices three times.  Saturday I was irritated because he pushed what we had planned back to spend time with Berkus.  When it occurred I wasn’t irritated, I was tired and 1:00pm worked better for me than 11:00pm anyways.  Then yesterday I talked to him in the afternoon on his way to work and he said he was very tired.  I would be too if I were him, he was out till 3:00am every morning since Thursday waking up earlier and sleeping over at friend’s houses.  I offered to stay up until he got off of work so I could talk to him on his long drive home.  He said he would appreciate that.  So I stayed up and guess who didn’t call me but called Berkus?  Yep, Jerry.  I was pissed, I could have gone to bed at nine.  He explained it away as a communication error on his part.  I find myself having trouble trusting him, especially after what happened last time he started dating Berkus.  Tonight I find it happening again, his priorities are being skewed again.  So guess who isn’t coming home after work but going to Berkus’s house.  Another late night he probably won’t be home until three, and then he has work tomorrow.  I fear his work is being affected by his choices.  Either way it’s not really my business, I just need to get my school done, and be prepared with a plan if he should get fired for lack of performance.  Keep in mind I don’t know what his performance is like at work, but I fear his priorities with work and gay life aren’t straight.

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I was originally okay with him dating Berkus again.  I felt like the last three weeks have been good and his priorities were straight.  I think I was wrong.  In fact, I know I was wrong.  He is too addicted to Berkus.  His priorities will become skewed again, he can’t help himself when it comes to Berkus.  I’m irritated at his choices, not mad but irritated that he can’t hold strong to what he says, when he dates Berkus.
I can’t do this again with Berkus, it was too hard last time to try and work on a relationship while he was dating.  He is isn’t thoughtful, he doesn’t hold strong to his priorities or values when it comes to him.  He said he would only see Berkus on Thursdays, and Sundays each week and on the weekends during his weekends.  He said this to me last night and look where he is now?  I don’t trust him after last time, I won’t put myself to be in the position and feel like I did the last time he dated Berkus.


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This was my last straw in trusting him.  I will no longer put myself in a place to feel like I did when he was seeing him before.  I need to focus on school.  I have saying this for a while now, but I really feel I am ready.  Tomorrow I have counseling again, and then afterwards I will be going to the library.  At night I think I am going to go Line dancing.  It sounds like a lot of fun.  Then Thursday after the kids go to bed I am going to my neighbors to watch Vampire Diaries and the Secret Circle.  If Jerry is home Friday I will have watch the kids during the day so I can go to the library and study for school. 
I also plan to be busy with the kids all day Saturday and Sunday doing fun things.  I think I might take them sledding one day.  I need to check it out.  Anyways I can’t worry about Jerry and working on our relationship as friends I feel that while he is dating Berkus it’s pointless.  I am moving forward with Jerry with supreme caution.

As for my mother, I am still not talking to her.  I don’t feel the need to.  She was wrong.  She is nasty mean with her words, there is no excuse for the way she treats people sometimes.  I think I am going to change my phone number.  Do some house cleaning so to say.
About moving forward, I have been cooking again.  I made Chicken tortilla soup from scratch, yummy banana cake, and today my other neighbor came over and we made freezer jam. 

Monday, March 5, 2012

No Complaints

I’m still so behind in school.  I really need to get my head back into it.  I am lying to everyone about it.  I can’t seem to focus on it quite yet.  All I can say is I am getting there.  I told Jerry that was behind, I don’t know if he knows how far behind I really am.  I still graduate May 2013.  I need to complete at least 3 of my 5 classes this semester. It will put me ahead for graduating in May.
I look at my schoolwork.  Nothing seems to click though.  I have some good news.  As I am trying to get my life back on track, I completed unpacking my son’s room and my daughter’s room I even hung their pictures up.  I unpacked the living room today completed with all the wall d├ęcor as well.  I don’t have much else to unpack.  The basement is messy and things are out of place still.  I will get to that throughout the week; have it completed by Sunday so that I can clean.  The unfinished part of the basement that’s another subject, I should just through it all away.
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Jerry and I are back on track.  We have been getting along very well.  Hung out a little this morning, I needed to help him do some things with the refinancing of our home.  He came home from work around 9:00pm and we stayed up and chatted off and on in my living room for about an hour.  He really like the way I set up all the furniture and wall hangings.  It actually feels like a living room now with all the junk out of the boxes.
It is really nice to joke with him again!  We both laugh and it’s not fake or forced.  He is waiting for me to blow again.  I don’t think I will.  I really feel as though everything is okay.  He talks about his gay friends and his gay life.  I have no bad feelings about it.  He tells me that he was hit on at the club, no hard or uncomfortable feelings again.  He also hasn’t discussed any relationship outside of friends.  I know I don’t want to know about it though.  I can handle the jokes about it!  I was oinking at him, because he was hungry when he got home from work but he ate like three dinners at work.  He was scratching his head flipping me off.  I asked him, “Do you have lice?”  He responded, “Maybe, I probably caught it from the dude’s house I went to before I came home.  His place was pretty disgusting, but he gave a damn good blow job!”  LOL, I had no witty response!

Kennet has been sneaking in with me during the middle of the night.  He is having bad dreams.  It’s nice now that I have a king size bed.  I still get a good night’s sleep!  Riley hasn’t slept with me once; she is in love with having her own room again.  I am glad she likes it!  Kids are both doing very well right now. 
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I am going to make jam over at a friend’s house tomorrow.  Should be fun.  I used to be into cooking.  I like experimenting, trying new foods and copying restaurant foods that I find delicious.  I do a pretty good job.  Most people love my food.  I am going to start cooking again.  Tomorrow will be the start.  First with homemade jam, then cookies followed this weekend with orange, cranberry, almond scones,  and  then we shall see what food comes in to experiment with.  For anyone with financial issues there is an organization called bountiful baskets which provides a laundry basket full of fruits and vegetables for only $15, $25 for organic.  They also provide bread, nuts and many different items.  It’s a weekly or bi-weekly thing depending upon the state and city you live in.  I used to do this, but stopped when we moved.  I’m going to start doing it again though. 

Sunday, March 4, 2012

Here I Go

I’m doing good.  Friday Jerry and I hung out all day.  We had family errands to run.  We had a good time.  Saturday I felt like I needed to be alone so I watched a scary movie, then took off to go browsing at several different stores.  I stopped an Italian restaurant and ate and ate and ate some more.  It was very good.  Then I went to my neighbor Nikie’s house and we hung out and then I traveled up the mountain with her to watch her son and her nephews snowboard.  It wasn’t an exciting night but it was a lot of fun hanging out with her.  She is watching my children next Friday because I am going to venture off to a club with an active singles group.  Ahhhh, wish me luck.
I have daddy issues and I have known this for a long time.  I like the touch and feel of a man.  This week has been hard in that aspect alone.  I have made some progress I don’t think about Jerry in a sexual manner anymore, but I sure would love to cuddle with him.  We haven’t really cuddled before but for some odd reason I just really need that kind of touch right now.  I also know I can’t do that with Jerry, it would take me five steps backwards from where I am at.
I am finally starting a routine tomorrow.  I have decided that I am not going to continue stressing and trying rush school.  I will take things slow and graduate next May.  Needless to say I still have schooling I need to complete, so here goes my new mornings.  I have even progressed into being the mother I once was.  I have been waking up with the children and making them breakfast, helping them get ready and taking care of any needs they may have in the morning.  After I take them to school I will start my homework for two hours and then eat some breakfast.  After wards back to school until 1:00pm.  Then I will eat lunch and clean the house.  Unpack, try to organize  and just try to make my home look like a home.  Kids come at home at 3:45, they will have a snack and then they complete homework.  I will start doing my homework at this time as well so if the kids need my help with their homework I will be available.  Then dinner at five and dishes, showers for the children, and then Kennett and Riley’s reading time.  I have also started reading to them before bed The Adventures of Dod.  Then it their bedtime and my relax, unwind and watch tv time.  Here I go, back to the me I want to be.

Friday, March 2, 2012

Counseling Sessions

Life changes with every breath we take.  I am still moving forward.  I haven’t felt this great about myself or the situation I find myself in over five months.  I am confident in myself as a person I want to be as the person I am and the values that I hold.  I am confident in myself as the mother I am and want to be and as the wife I was and friend I will become.  I no longer fear my situation!  Yesterday and today I find myself reveling in the opportunities that have been presented to me.  I have wonderful children, and a very supportive, stable friend, partner.  I enjoy my life in Utah, I everything to live for a great future a head of me.
My counseling session on Tuesday I was informed of some simple rules to live my life by and the order in which I must evaluate each circumstance.  
There are:
Objectives:  What you want to accomplish
Relationship:  Family, friends, Acquaintances
Self-Respect:  The way you view yourself

Each of the three things affect one another.  Sometimes your self-respect must come first and when you place your self-respect first your relationships could be affected, and also the objective in which you want will be affected.  Other times getting your objective met is more important than both the relationship and also your self-respect.  If you put the relationship first than your self-respect and the objective will be affected. 
I found this very intriguing!  In life we all make choices in what matters to us and what we find personally important.  Right now I find the relationship between Jerry and I to be the most important.  Putting our relationship first will affect the objective, remaining friends and raising our children in a cohesive partnership and my self-respect at times may be last.  It won’t always be last but while we work out the bugs of this situation I might feel at times it is.  There may be times when my self-respect is more important than our relationship and I will put that first.

There are four rules to follow in life.
Be fair to myself and others.  If I allow others a break I also need to allow myself the same break.  I f judge others than I need to judge myself the same way.  The way I treat and value others I should treat and value myself.  If I am able to forgive others than I should forgive myself for the same faults.

No apologizing.  People in the United States apologize way too much!  Apologies should not be in one’s everyday vocabulary.  Apologize only when you sincerely hurt another person, and recognize that you hurt them. 
Always stick to your values.  Values are important.  They are forever changing but they are none the less important and you should never override them.

Be truthful to yourself.  One is only able to be truthful to one’s self if they are able to know themselves intimately.  This is very important otherwise it is easier to say things that aren’t really truthful.
I learned a lot on Tuesday.  I also learned on Thursday that Jerry and I had nothing to talk about since we weren’t hating each other.  The counselor however did lecture me on breathing and letting go of my emotions instead of holding on to them.  This is very complicated for me to do.  I will start meditating as he suggested, and see where the breathing gets me.