Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Walking in a Mine Field

I realized last night just how important Jerry is too me.  Our relationship has always been great!  Our sex life lacked passion, but the relationship part was very passionate and even in our roughest times we manage to work it out and get through our dirt together.  I have been complaining about Jerry.  My complaining comes from not trusting him, fear of losing him, fear of him forgetting me, and of course the fact that I am totally, irrevocably in love with him. 
I went to counseling, I learned a lot about myself, and about self-respect.  I also learned to confront situations first and react later.  My meaning is different than Jerry’s, misinterpretation of actions comes from lack of communication.  My counselor advised that I talk with Jerry about the texting, let him know what my avoidance of him was about.  I took her advice and talked him.  My perception of Jerry not texting, was once again inaccurate.  I get his reasoning and he understood mine.  As my counselor helped me define it, by his action of not texting made me feel less than everyone else in his life.  His reasoning for not texting me was simple he didn’t want to hurt me or cross boundaries.  It was more in-depth than that.  As the saying says, “We Kissed and Made Up”.
I informed my mother of this and she was not very happy about it and many other things, I won’t discuss here.  It was her same feelings just a different year.  We ended up fighting, a usual routine when she stays with Jerry and I.  Usually over Jerry and the kids.  Anyways, after our fight I went to Jerry’s room crying, he was talking to his sister in law.  He hung up immediately, I laid on him crying, he rubbed my back.  Comforted me, talked with me and wanted to me and my mother to resolve the confrontation.  I couldn’t I know how she is.  It’s like walking through a mine; you never know what you’re stepping into until it blows.  Once it blows there is no going back.  Fact is I fear her; I fear her wrath and try avoiding confrontation with her at all cost.  I let many things slide that I normally wouldn’t with other people.  One of the things I don’t appreciate is that she corrects my children.  For everyone out there reading we get compliments on the behavior of our children daily.  We are obviously doing something right.  I choose to raise them completely differently than I was raised though.  Anyways, I was too afraid to confront her on, not correcting my children for fear of her blowing up.  Her words are cutting, horrid very mean.  I hate confrontation.  I love my mother.
Anyways, we got into a fight, Jerry told me to stay in his room, as I begged him not to confront her, once she reaches the point she was at there is no talking, compromise or otherwise.  He tried, they fought, he asked her to sit down and have a rational conversation, and that he would really like her to stay.  She wasn’t about to have a rational, non-verbally abusive conversation.

Jerry told me to sleep with him.  He then said, “You can’t sleep with me though.”  I questioned, “What do you mean you want me to stay up all night?”  He chuckled and replied, “You can sleep with me but no hanky panky, and didn’t you know I am not into girls.”  LOL too funny!  I took him up on his offer and slept in the same bed as him, it was not a restful night for me though.  I had to remain conscientious all night not to cuddle or touch him, it would be too much for me for being just a friend.  I desired it from him though, that comfort after fighting with my mother.
My mother left early this afternoon, Jerry called several times to check on me, and even came home early.  We hung out and watched a show, and he apologized for what happened between my mother and I.  He kept telling me, I wish you just would have blamed it all on me.  Tell your mom that I am an asshole, and then tell me that you are using me as a scape goat to keep the peace.  I can’t do that though, it is one thing for me to write in my blog, it is a completely different thing for someone to speak badly of him.  I won’t tolerate it from anyone I know personally.  If I had to choose between anyone else Jerry, it would always be Jerry.  It would be Jerry whether the relationship we create works or not.  I am better person because of Jerry.  I love Jerry.

On that note, I feel that the friendship between Jerry and I has evolved some with my mother being here, bless her heart and all she has done.  The fight with my mother I also shows me how much Jerry really does care, how much of me he knows, and how after 16 years it’s not worth losing.  It’s time to stop projecting my perception and feelings onto Jerry, and try to turn something small into something it’s not.  It is time to accept him completely, his actions and all.
The truth is Jerry and I have both disrespected each other in the past, he has Never disrespected me intentionally though, like I have Never intentionally disrespected him.  Thinking back on it after the fight with my mother on Sunday and again yesterday, that’s what drew me to Jerry in the place!  He has is always showed me unconditional love, with no strings.  He has always accepted me completely, even if he didn’t agree with all my past choices, some of which were mistakes.  The truth is he still loves me unconditionally, he is still my best friend, he still respects me and backs me up and tries to make my life better even in his moment of trying to figure himself out.  At the end of the night no matter how bad our argument was he still hugs me goodnight, he still tells me he loves me, and he apologizes for my misinterpretations of his actions.  No matter how bad things have gotten between us, he is still here and I know he always will be.

My question, “Where’s my mother? Where is her unconditional love?”  Jerry and I go to counseling tomorrow; it will be a great session.  I know now with 100% assuredly that Jerry is here, he hasn’t left and we will get through this dirt too.  Our friendship will blossom again over the next couple of weeks.  I will continue moving, fearing less about the friendship we will have. 
I plan to get my routine started, I have started some with the help of my mother, and will continue full speed.  I appreciate my mother for help, I am sorry that she doesn’t like the way we raise our kids or that she feels Jerry is disrespectful to both my kids and I.  Again not only do we receive compliments on our children, I receive compliments weekly from friends at what a wonderful father Jerry is, and how involved he is with the kids. 

I am glad to have finally realized how close Jerry and I really are and how I know he will always be here for me when I need him. 

Monday, February 27, 2012

Cafe Michelle
Today was well, sort of a success for me.  I woke up before Jerry and left.  My mom and I went to a coffee shop, ate some oatmeal drank a cup of coffee, and admired the décor.  We admired the décor so much so, we left and went immediately to Home Depot and bought cans of purple, gold, blue, and green paints came home after Jerry left for work and we got to work painting.  It’s gorgeous!  Guess what I didn’t really talk to Jerry today.  A few texts over household things but nothing friendly.  I am so proud of myself.  Hopefully this is my start to moving forward.  I feel it just may be!  PS.  My neighbor Nikie loves my kitchen.
Thanks for all your support.  I won’t say this is easy, you all know it hasn’t been.  I am slowly moving forward and starting to do things for me.  Tomorrow is library day!!!  I need to get some papers done.  Since Jerry’s off Friday, that will also be library day.  Hopefully I can catch up.    

Sunday, February 26, 2012

Round and Round Goes The Merry-Go-Round
I am sick from spinning.  I am dizzy, confused and very tired.  I need to get of this Merry-Go-Round. 

Why don’t I believe his actions?  Why do I keep believing in his words?  Nothing has changed.  If I learned anything from my granny, it’s that you can’t keep doing the same thing over and over and expect different results.  It’s time I believed what his actions are telling, it’s time that I grow up and be strong enough to realize he has already left. 

What I mean.  Once again he has disappointed me as a friend.  Jerry went out last night, I was happy for him to get out and have a good time.  He left around five I knew he was not coming home.  I texted him around 10:00pm saying, “I hope your enjoying yourself.  Goodnight.”  I didn’t expect him to text me last night, although I would have liked it.  I know if it was one of his gay friends he would have texted back immediately.  It’s 4:00pm the next day, still no text.  I have been carrying my phone around like I am tied to leash waiting obsessantly for him to text or call.  I realized that I keep doing the same thing over and over and I am expecting different results.
It's time I change how I live my life.  My first plan of action is not to be here when Jerry gets home, he expects that. I have things I need to do and no reason any longer to wait for Jerry.  My mother and I will go to the coffee shop, then to the library so I can do some homework.  I need to go to TJ-Max to pick up some cooking utensils.  Jerry will be gone to work by the time I get home.  It's been five months since this started four months since he has left and I am just now learning to accept he has moved on without me.  He would disagree with my statement his words are always so loving, kind and convincing, that I keep believing what he tells me.  I done believing what he tells me, I am tired.  I will believe his actions as hard as that is and move on myself.  His words are empty.
My mother was talking to Riley last night before bed.  Riley started crying.  When G-ma asked what was wrong, Riley couldn’t answer.  Riley said I’m not sure I’m just confused.  I am always confused, I am have too much going on in my head.  I think our move to Arizona has created problems for her.  It wasn’t a good move for our family; I have been a non-existent mother.  Something’s wrong I need to find out what and fix it.

On the note, I have come to the conclusion that Riley is suffering silently.  She has a lot going on, and I haven’t been the mother she needs.  I have been so concerned with the love and the relationship I wanted to build with Jerry that I have forgotten about the relationship I need to build with my children.  They need to come first.  My priorities have been skewed.  I need to do research on how to help her, it’s more than just our divorce, and it’s the move, its life in general. 

She has always, what we call “spasm”, I have talked with the doctor about it several times.  I think she may have mini seizures when her brain gets too full of information, she can’t help it.  Doctors can’t explain it and I don’t think they believe me.  My entire family including myself thinks Riley is somewhat gifted.  She is super intelligent, she remembers everything she reads, she catches on quickly to new concepts, she very intelligent.  I also think she may be developing OCD.  She washes her hands repeatedly; she has started re-reading lines in a book until she can get the inflection of her voice to represent the sentence accurately.  She is a perfectionist. 
I am tired of trying to be friends.  I am tired of sacrificing for him, and getting nothing that I need or want in return.  I cannot keep doing the same thing and expect different results.  I cannot keep trying to control the results, it is time I let go of Jerry completely.  I need to focus 100% of my attention on Riley and Kennet, my children who need, want and desire their mother’s attention and love.   I need to concentrate on making our home a safe place for them without tension or chaoticness.  I need to show my kids I am here, I love them, and everything will always be okay.  There will be tough times, but even in the tough times we can still be happy, we can get through anything together.  I am acting a lot like Jerry right now with my children.  I am telling them daily, I love you, I love you, your important, but I am not showing them that.  Only I can change me, and my actions will forever speak louder than my words.  It is time I show them what I am telling them.

Saturday, February 25, 2012

Jerry ended things with Berkus or so he says.  My trust issues with him still linger.  In the end I don’t know if it matters.  I think it’s over and I feel better about it.  We went to the counselor and established boundaries.  We are trying to implement those boundaries this week. 

He told his brother we are separating, his brother said he was sorry.  He told his sister we were separating, she asked the right questions so he informed her that he was gay.  She was very excited about having a gay brother.  He informed his father that we were separating; he says he reacted in a stage of shock.  His sister-in-law who hasn’t talked to me in months called me yesterday.  I am pretty positive she only forgave me because she wants the juicy gossip.  She knows he is gay too, but I denied admitting it to her as per Jerry’s wishes.  She knows though, she is not stupid; she was the one I told when I found him looking at gay porn over eight years ago.  She is the one I confided in regarding the lack of passion in our sex life.  She has kept it a secret all these years; she brought it up last night and asked if our separation had anything to do with that.  I simply said, “no”. 
I am relieved I do not have to pretend anymore to be happily married.  I am saddened at this also, it is just another step taken in the permanency of the relationship we are ending.  I still love him, and I shouldn’t.

My mothers in town she is helping me to move on.  It’s a lot harder than I thought it would be, even with her help.  Jerry and I have decided not discuss our separation or divorce except on Thursdays when we go to counseling.  Last night Jerry came home, mom and Riley talked him into playing phase ten.  I received a phone call in the middle of the game.  I was relieved.  It was hard to look at Jerry, last night.  He was so sexy, his big strong arms, in his black tight undershirt, his flawless face, and his smile.  I lusted after him, in a way I shouldn’t look at him anymore.  This is the longest I have ever gone without having sex, staring at and being around the man love.  It is the time of the month that I am ready, the dreams keep coming.  They don’t stop, but there is no gratification in the dreams.  He can’t find my vagina, and when he does, it doesn’t fit, it’s the wrong key.  My weird dreams are simply reaffirmation of my new life.
I miss him.  I miss the way he used to treat me.  I miss him loving me and showing me daily how much he loved me.  I miss his kind words and his thoughtfulness regarding me.  He hardened towards me.  He is no longer the nice guy he used to be.  He has drawn his line and it is firm, there is no wavering for him any longer.  I can only respect where he is going, respect his decisions, his privacy.  The closeness we once shared is gone.  He used to laugh with me, he used to share with me, we used to share our life.  He has closed me off!  I know for him it is for the better, I still love him the way I always have, my love for him has not changed yet.  I hope it will one day.  He is changing and slowly I am too.  What we had is no longer it has changed.
There is change in the air, and this is just the beginning. 

Tuesday, February 21, 2012


I think he finally broke me.  Broke my trust, my expectation of remianing friends, my heart, my dreams, my hopes, my desires, my life, my self.  I am in peices.

It is time for me to put the peices back together.  My mom will be to help.

Believe What I Do, Not What I Say
I am angry!  I feel stupid!  Financially I given everything to Jerry over the last ten years.  I had different, smarter more reliable plans for myself for my daughter.  Financially, I feel I would have been better off than I am now.  I have nothing, absolutely nothing.  I have no retirement and I will be 31 this year.  I have no career and I will be 31 this year.  I pushed Jerry into a stable career that makes lots of money with a great retirement.  I supported him, encouraged him and stood by him while he made his way up the ladder.  The year he made his way to the top, he says I don’t need or want you anymore.
I have nothing.  I feel that Jerry financially needs to worry about nothing because I have helped him to achieve the financial status he desired.  My security is gone.  I am scared.  I am resentful.  Jerry says he will support me, but let’s be realistic he will for a minute until he becomes resentful for not being able to live the financial life he wants to. 

I don’t think Jerry and I will make it through this as friends.  I really need to focus on myself, my financial future.  This is not what I expected or wanted life, I planned carefully to ensure a better financial future for my children and myself.  I guess it doesn’t really matter how much you plan in life, or how much you pursue a goal.  There is always room for failure, I never felt like I have ever failed at anything.  I feel like a failure now.
I really need to graduate soon.  I think I need to join the Air force or give it careful consideration.  The air force will provide me with the financial security I had with Jerry, that I encouraged Jerry into.  My entire life that is all I cared about was financial security.  I don’t need a lot of money, I just need enough to be able to retire, to pay my bills and to enjoy a vacation every once in a while. 

I thought I could trust and rely on Jerry once before and he let me down.  I feel it is inevitable he will let me down again.  I no longer trust him.  I don’t think I will ever trust him again.  Even if we manage to work out a friendship I don’t think I will ever be able to allow myself to be open with him, I think I will forever have to guard myself.  Once trust is broken I don’t know if you can get it back. 

Maya Angelou say’s, If someone shows you who they are, believe them.  I know Jerry and he has shown me who he is.  He is not a good friend, like I thought.  He not trustworthy.  He only looks after himself.  He has been forever guarded and I honestly don’t think he really cares about anyone except for himself as he protects his being.  I have always felt he talked to his father disrespectfully, people say that how you treat your parents is a direct reflection of how you treat others.  I have a feeling Jerry will treat me as he treats his father.  Jerry has proven over and over in the last five months that he is not interested in maintaining a friendship with me through his actions.

On that note he did end things with Berkus.  Don’t fool yourselves, Jerry in no way ended things with Berkus for my feelings; he ended them with Berkus because Jerry knew he wasn’t personally ready to be in a relationship.  Jerry, he’ll make it out that he did it for me when he needs to use something against me, but the truth is Jerry, he really doesn’t care.  He has shown me that he doesn’t care.  The fact that any person can go from being married, and friends for 16 years to not respecting the feelings of that person to me goes to show that Jerry could care less about me.

Jerry has not done anything for me because it makes me feel good.  Jerry has always done for Jerry, Jerry will always do for Jerry.  I need to accept that I will never be treated by Jerry the way a friend should be treated.  Jerry comes first he always has, if it doesn’t benefit Jerry, Jerry doesn’t do it.  He pretends, he is great at pretending.  I don’t buy his bullshit anymore of him wanting to be friends or even caring about me.  His actions over the last four months have proven otherwise.  I need to listen to Maya Angelou and accept that Jerry is who is, and he keeps showing me, I just wanted to believe his words so badly.
It is time to move on.  To think of me and my children.  To stop forcing or pushing Jerry into his words, but believe him when he shows me who he is.  To listen to words and know he even though he says he will always provide for me he will not.  He told me yesterday, there will be a day when I want to provide for a man.  If I listen to his words he is telling me, he will provide for a man one day and he will no longer provide for me or his children.  I know Jerry, he wants his intentions to be good, but his actions will be different.  I need to figure out what to do, how to support myself. 

I need to stop focusing on a friendship with Jerry.  I need to start, worrying about myself and what I am going to do.    

Sunday, February 19, 2012


I might be wrong in my actions, but I take full responsibility for my actions, the good the bad or the ugly they may cause.  Jerry and I have talk a lot about expectation, respect and consideration of the others feelings.  I feel that Jerry has not upheld his side of the things we agreed on.  I feel as a friend he is being disrespectful.  As a husband I could manage it, however I do get to pick and choose who I am friends with.
There is a lot behind the story that has gone some is in my blog some is not.  It would be too long to go into it.  I told Jerry a couple of weeks ago the personal semi-intimate relationship he is developing with Berkus was something I was not comfortable with.  I would prefer he would end the intimate relationship with him for a while, to give me time to adjust to the other new parts of our life.  He agreed to end things with Nate.  Since then he not ended the relationship with Berkus but has continued it allowing the relationship to become more personal.  I am not comfortable with this or the feelings of psychoticness it creates with in me.

I have learned I can not control my emotions regarding this, but I can control my behavior and the way I react to the screwed up emotions I am having.  He went out with Berkus last night and my three days good emotions went back to psychotic emotions.  Berkus is a trigger for me.  I know these emotions will a couple of days until my head can be cleared away from it, by the time I am feeling good again, he will go out with Berkus again and the emotions will continue.  It is a merry-go-round of emotions for me.

I told Jerry today that I have reached my emotional limit.  I can handle emotionally that he goes out with friends and has a good time; I can not handle emotionally him in a relationship.  I told him today, that as soon as we are financially settled I need him to move out.  It is not fair to me to have to deal with these emotions, and him leaving would help end my vicious emotional cycle.  I told him he is making the choice to continue seeing Berkus, that his choice but personally it is far beyond the limit of what I am capable of controlling emotionally right now.  It is ultimately an ultimatum, but it is not intended that way.  I have just reached my limit, if him seeing Berkus makes me psychotically crazy then why would I continue to put myself in a psychotic rage every time I see him?

I also told him Thursday I will be talking to the counselor about him telling his family we are separating.  I feel that he is making the choice to leave me, he needs to own that responsibility and tell his family we are divorcing.  I shouldn’t have to pretend or hide because of his choices.  If the counselor agrees with me, I will no longer lie to his family when they call.  I will simply say Steven and I are separating you will need to call him. 

I also told him that I feel right now our friendship will probably not be salvageable due to the choice he is making to continue his relationship with Berkus.  I am angry right now and upset.  I feel that he is not a loyal friend, a respectful friend, and if he were any other friend I would chose not to continue a relationship with that friend.  When I end friendships it is usually permanent for me.  I will not say forever.  Maybe one day we can resume a friendship when I am no longer angry at the way he is choosing to treat me now.  As much as I like to plan the future I can not, I know this now.  I will look at things I can do financially to help me out so I can finish school, I am not sure what will happen yet.

I am sorry for my children that he is making this choice.  I am sorry for my children that I can not handle his choice emotionally.  I am sorry that I am not stronger.  I wish I was for my children’s sake they need there Daddy here with them right now, this is going to destroy them.  I am scared for them, but I know that if I can take care of myself emotionally I can take care of them better and manage their emotional needs better as well. 

As far as I am concerned Jerry left us emotionally when we moved here.  I hope I am making the right choice.  I am scared.  I am just tired of hurting, crying, being angry.  Not seeing him or interacting with, not knowing when he is with Berkus will help, I know this.  I know I can handle every other part but I can’t handle Berkus.
He asked if we could continue going to counseling.  I agreed.  I told him, we will only go to counseling as a mediator to help us establish boundaries and set p schedules for our children.  We can go to learn to communicate corrigibly regarding our children.  I am in no way going to the counselor to work on a friendship between us.  As of right now I am no longer your friend.

Another Gay Night Out

I know I am not supposed to be concerned or know anything, but it was too late.  I already knew, it was the famous swim meet tonight.  Jerry volunteered and had to let me know that Berkus was going to be there too and afterwards was dancing at club JAM.  I totally could have gone without knowing that!  I tried the counselors method of saying STOP aloud any time my mind started to wonder.  It was too late though, I already know too much.  I HATE Berkus.  In my mind they have done a lot more than just kissing, I am not stupid and Jerry well, he is bad liar again.  Not that I wanted to know, but Jerry is just too honest.

I did however try to keep my mind off things, along with saying stop!  I unpacked the living room, and the office, and a few boxes in the unfinished part of the basement.  I worked from time he left at 8:30 am until 1:45 am.  I took a shower to get all the dust off, from the boxes being left in the storage room.  Then went out to smoke and start typing on my blog, but it was snowing.  As I was smoking Jerry pulled up.  I told him it was better not to talk.  I also told him that I would come to him when I am ready to talk. 

It was a productive day.  Oh another thing, I pulled what my friend IRIS did a couple weeks ago and re-read some of the letters from when Jerry was in basic, before our marriage.  He always blamed us getting married on my want.  What’s funny though, I tried breaking it off with him several times, and he persisted. 

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Anniversary for the Last Nine years of Marriage, 16 Years of Friendship and the Start of a New Relationship

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Today was Jerry and I’s  Anniversary.  We celebrated the last nine years of our marriage, the last sixteen years of freindship and a new a new begining.  Today was our first counseling appointment as a separated couple.  We are not in need of counseling as couple, we are in need of coaching as a divorced couple trying to regain a friendship.  That does not mean as individuals Jerry and I are not in need of counseling. 
What we learned.  I have made many mistakes, I have been hurtful, mean, abusive, threatening and I own all of the mistakes I have made in the last couple of weeks.  There is no justification for my actions, for the way I have behaved.  I am only allowed to call it a mistake if I change my behavior.  I plan to do just that.  I acknowledge my wrong doing and I take full responsibility for my past action, and I will suffer the consequences of those actions.  Jerry I am sorry.  (PS. Jerry doesn’t read this anymore, he may choose to one day. But for now I have asked him not to and he is respecting my wishes.)

Jerry does not trust me, because of the things I have said done in the past three weeks, mainly in the past three days.  I wouldn’t trust me either, that is the consequence for my actions.  Jerry will trust me again one day, but this will take time. 

Jerry has also made many mistakes, and he needs to take his own ownership of those mistakes.  I will not allow him to blame me for his mistakes or his wrong doings, I will no longer accept excuses or allow him to turn his wrongdoings around to make it my fault.  Jerry needs to be responsible for Jerry and Jerry needs to do what Jerry wants to do, regardless of my feelings or anyone else’s.  If Jerry wants to buy me flowers as a friendly gesture, then Jerry needs to buy me flowers.  My reaction to him buying me flowers is for me to own.  If I throw those flowers away, that is my right.  (I would appreciate flowers though and Jerry likes flowers to.  He would buy them more for himself than for me. LOL)  My point is Jerry can not limit himself from doings based on his perception of how people may react, whether it is myself or someone else.  The counselor agreed. 

I have been controlling, I am an abrasive person, I speak my mind and I am blunt.  I always have been.  Jerry needs to learn to take his own control back.  Jerry needs to find his voice, not only with me, but with everyone. 

I can no longer be controlling of Jerry, as I stated it is not my place anymore to tell Jerry he can or can not call someone.  If I ask Jerry to stay home, and he does I need to accept that choice, and not feel guilty because I feel he wants to go out.  I need to allow Jerry to make his own choice, and Jerry needs to stick to his own choice and know that it is because he chooses to do that or not to do that.  It shouldn’t be because of me.
I learned that I am nosey.  We all already knew that.  I didn’t know that not knowing created anxiety for me.  In order to handle that anxiety my brain creates stories, good or bad, so that I can handle the situation of not knowing.  I need to tell my brain to STOP when I start to create stories or become too nosey.  I need to allow Jerry to tell me information as he pleases, and not pry.  I need to stop asking Jerry questions.  Jerry is a horrible liar and feels guilty when he lies, in order for us to avoid talking about his dating situation I need to not ask him direct questions, but allow him to tell me what he wants to when he wants to.  This will be hard, but I can work on it.

My feelings and emotions are okay.  Anger, confusion, being volatile is normal, not healthy but normal.  Jerry needs to understand and respect that.  Whether it is normal or not, I am not okay with myself behaving this way.  Jerry and I are both confused and lost as to how we proceed with our friendship from here. 

Our children need a routine, Jerry and I need a routine.  Our homework assignment is to create a list of expectations.  These expectations should include a schedule.  This schedule will be Jerry’s days with the kids, my days with the kids.  A list of responsibilities and so forth.  On Jerry’s days off from his responsibilities I am not allowed to be angry or upset if he chooses to go out and not come home.  On that note we are poor right now (I shouldn’t say poor, we are not poor.  We have bills from moving that I would like to pay off, I do not like any kind of debt, except for a house payment and a car payment.  We also would like to finish our basement, so Jerry can have his own room and bathroom and so the kids can have their playroom back.).  I am a mother; I do not feel it is fair for Jerry to spend money, when we should be spending money in other places.  On that note we need to come up with a strict budget for him and myself.  I need to be okay with that budget and spend the money doing things, and not feel guilty for spending that money.  Next week we will bring our expectations to the counseling appointment and discuss them.  We are not to discuss them beforehand.

Jerry and I left feeling great!  He is my best friend.  There is no other way through this situation then for us to do it together.  We are both committed to making this work.  Jerry is just as committed as I am.  We know this will be a challenge, it will not easy, it will not be a smooth ride, but we will make the best of it.
Jerry and I went to BBQ to celebrate our first year as a separated couple, our nine years of marriage and our 16 years of marriage.  It was really nice.  I love Jerry with all of my heart, and I know he loves me with all of his heart too. 

An Answer to Jack Scott

Michelle, I'm no longer getting any feedback from you so I have no idea what you're really thinking. I have no idea what you want to hear. Do you still want to hear the truth from those who are older and wiser and more experienced than you or do you want to be coddled with false assertions that all will be well?
I am always looking for the truth!  Again I believe that advice is one person’s opinion.  Advice is not always accurate as it stems from one person’s own experience.  While some advice can be applied into someone’s not all of the advice will fit.  I appreciate advice, I appreciate being called out.  I think about the advice of others, and apply it to my own life as I see fit. 

Ordinarily one can tell if another is making progress because one sees progress in their thought patterns and in their actions. In all honesty Michelle, this letter could just as well be the first letter I ever read of yours. The settings have changed, but there is no real change in what you are thinking and what you are obsessing about. You are on an endless loop that just keeps going round and round.

You are right it could be the first letter I ever wrote regarding my situation.  However, the feeling I have inside is progression.  I can not change Jerry, I realize that now.  I can only change myself and my behaviors and reactions.  The settings have changed.  But I am no longer obsessing.  All I can do it let Jerry know what I am and am not able to handle.  I know now I can not control Jerry or put my own limitations or needs onto him.  I can only tell him how I feel.  As for the endless loop, from my understanding it is very normal to experience the emotions I have in a looping cycle.  Counselors from all over say the process is long taking anywhere from 1-5 years.  I am only four almost five months into this.  I feel my emotions and reactions are very normal, not productive by any means and not healthy at times but normal.

I consider myself to be a pretty damn good judge of people. I think you happen to be a pretty intelligent woman.

I am very intelligent.  Thank you.

I think you know exactly what you should be doing, what you should be thinking and what you should be doing to set your life on a realistic course for the future.

Unfortunately, you are wrong here.  I have no idea what I am doing, or how to handle this appropriately.  I am trying to be fair to my children, and to Jerry in the process I am not being air to myself.  This needs to change.  I need to emotionally and physically take care of myself first, and then I will be able to take care of my children and eventually Jerry. 

What I see is very different! Instead of using your abilities to do that you are purposely keeping yourself stuck in this endless pity party for Michelle. I could go through each paragraph of your letter and pick it apart for you but why bother? You're not going to pay any attention anyway.

I will no longer keep myself in a pity party.  I can no longer live the way I have been living.  I can no longer hurt, feel sorry for myself, or be depressed.  My counselor says I should embrace those feelings but I can not.  I will no longer be a victim I have taken back control over my life as of yesterday.  I pay attention, because I may not agree at this time with the advice doesn’t mean I am not paying attention.  I may not agree with it now, but I will possibly be able to understand it and use it in the future. 

But'll I'll give you one for free: You say you don't know Jerry's friends but you hope to one day. God Damn It Michelle, you do NOT want to know Jerry's friends and you have no business knowing Jerry's friends. Jerry's friends are HIS friends. They are not your friends and they probably don't want to be your friends. FACE IT Michelle, you would be the THRID WHEEL hanging around with Jerry and his friends.

Some people in this life separate their friends into different groups.  Jerry may be one of those people, I don’t know he hasn’t had many friends.  I am not one of those people, I am always introducing my friends to each other, and if they like each other and want to hang out with each other that is up to them.  I do not get jealous because a new friendship has been created without my presence.  If Jerry doesn’t want me to meet his friends one day, I will accept that.  No offense but I see no problems going out to a movie with a bunch people gay or not.  Just because one is gay, does that automatically exclude all the straight people? 

You are or should be the ex wife.

I will gladly be the ex wife, if Jerry states that is what he wants.  I will gladly be the ex-wife if I can not handle the situation I am putting myself in.  I will give it some more time in order to handle it.  It may or may not work, only time can tell.

What two homosexual guys in their right minds want the ex wife hanging around with them as a "friend?" Does that not at some level of your being compute with you Michelle?

I don’t want to hang out with two homosexuals in a relationship!  I want to be invited to a play with a group of people whether they are homosexual or not.  I want to be invited to dinner with a group of friends, regardless of their sexual orientation.  Just because one person is gay does that mean they have to be solely defined as gay and they can no longer have straight friends?  I am not looking at hanging out with them all the time either.  Yes, I would like to be invited to a social gathering, as I would invite my friend.

And from your point of view, what are you going to do when you get to know Jerry's friends?

I don’t know maybe, hi it’s nice to meet you.  “Oh you’re a counselor, a lawyer, a teacher I have been interested about those careers, I am a teacher myself.”  It’s called conversation.  Maybe I will make a new friend becuase we have similar interests, does it really matter if they are homosexual?  Are you telling me that a straight woman can have nothing in common with a homosexual male?  Maybe I meet Jerry’s friends and I have nothing in common with any of them, and I don’t make new friend.  That is okay too.  I am not asking to be a part of the group, I am asking to hand out with friends at a social gathering I would probably enjoy. 

I'll tell you what you will do. You will use them to throw them up to Jerry in snide little ways like you did when you snidely told Jerry he could call Burkus now.

First of all, I didn’t tell him that in a snide way.  I knew he was trying to make plans that evening with him.  Taxes were taking a long time, I knew the phone call could quite possibly be important to confirm plans.  I also knew that Jerry was respecting me and was choosing not to call, because I am uncomfortable with him and Berkus.  I merely was letting Jerry know, I didn’t mind, because I knew that phone call was important to Jerry.  It wasn;t snide it was sincere on my part.  Jerry appreciated it, and I haven’t told him my real thoughts about it or brought it up again.

As you yourself admitted he didn't need you to tell him that.

I admitted I didn’t need to tell Jerry to call Berkus because that is not my place anymore.  Jerry needs to decide what he should and shouldn’t do for himself.  I had no right giving him permission to call someone, not that it was permission, but I felt bad that he wasn’t going to call him because of me, all I did was let Jerry know it was okay.  I shouldn’t have to do that though.  I see that I am wrong in that.

You only said it to dig at him, to continue your own little pity party.

I didn’t do it to have a pity party or as a dig at Jerry and he will gladly tell you like wise.  I only did it to be courteous.  I knew the taxes again was going to take a while, I also knew we had other responsibilities we needed to do afterwards.  I knew this phone call was important, that’s all.

And getting to know Jerry's friends will only give you other people to invite into that pity party.

I already answered this.  Some people choose to keep their friends separated if that is Jerry’s choice I will learn to accept it.  Meeting new people and doing new things is fun, does it matter that some of them may be homosexual.  Homosexuality is a sexual orientation, does it really define the group or person.  If so, homosexuals are wrong!  I don’t just hang out with white people, or Christians.  I hang out with all different races, people of different cultures and religions.  I hang out with people who are teachers, people who work at Mc Donalds, Lawyers and stay at home moms.  Is being a homosexual really that exclusive that I could not make friends with one based on commonalities?

Grow up Michelle. Wake up Michelle. Life will not unfold as you want it to.

My life is different than I had planned, it is not unfolding in the manner I wanted it to.  That is okay.  I have come to accept, that this is not Jerry’s fault.  I used Jerry when we got married, as he used me.  We needed each other.  I just happened to fall in love somewhere along the way.  Because of that love and my sexual interest in him at the moment I am unable to be happy for a dating relationship for Jerry, but I am happy for the friendships he has made.

Are you going to spend the rest of your life accomplishing nothing because Jerry gave you an excuse to do just that, or are you going to get over it, start anew and make a new life for you and your kids and leave Jerry alone to lead HIS own life?

Jerry is my best friend, he always has been he will probably always be my best friend.  I gave Jerry a choice yesterday.  I will accept the choice he makes.  Does he still want to be friends, or not.  If he chooses not to, then he needs to move out, and leave the kids and myself to lead our own life.  He is the only person to make that choice for himself.  My choice is that I want to continue a friendship with him,  He has been my friend for 16 years, just because we were married doesn’t mean the friendship we made needs to end.  I am willing to work on a friendship if he is.  If he is not than I am willing to make the necessary steps to end what we have.

The ONLY thought you should have about Jerry at this point in your life is: Is he getting the child support money to you in a timely manner and is he being a proper Father to the kids? That is it. Period. Exclamation point! You're in a hard situation. You didn't make it but you damn sure are prolonging it in any way you can.

I understand I am prolonging it.  I also feel and know that while I may be prolonging the situation the end results from all of this will be positive. 

Hard situations sometimes demand hard words. The hard words I've written to you were written as a friend. What you choose to do with them is up to you. Ignore them and continue the pity party for Michelle. You're life will continue to swirl around the drain. Wake up, get off your butt and start living YOUR life and your life will renew itself in time. Choice is yours? What's it going to be? Jack Scott

I appreciate your advice.  I want Jerry to be my friend and from what I know right now he wants to be my friend too.  I need to change.  I need to stop what is going on, and I need to accept the reality of the situation.  My reality, right now is this.  I can not make choices for Jerry, he needs to grow up and make his own choices.  I may agree with those choice or I may think he is making bad choices.  I can let him know what I feel as any friend would, like you yourself done right now.  In the end Jerry will either take my advice or not take it but that is solely up to him.  I will not tell Jerry what to do or not to do.  I will not be affected by his choices. 

If he decides to come home and tell he went on a date and made out with some dude.  Then he isn’t respecting me as a friend.  I choose not to have a friend like that in my life, and I will as Jerry to leave.  However, if Jerry comes home after a date and says, I went out with a friend and this is what we did, I had a great time.  Then he is respecting me as a friend.  When we first talked, and many others suggest the same things, you said give it at least one year.  Well, I am giving it at least one year, before any major decisions are made regarding what our relationship will be.  We are going to work through this.  I can only change me and Jerry can only change Jerry, we need to accept each other for who we are, and if we can not do that then maybe we shouldn’t be friends or maintain a relationship.    

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Bottom. Only one way up. Trying to make small steps towards progression.

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Okay.  Where do I begin?  The last three weeks I have been an awful friend, an awful wife.  It all comes down to honesty.  I have not been honest.  We are sitting at the tax office, Berkus calls.  The call goes unanswered.  Jerry and I go outside to take a breather, I tell Jerry you can call Berkus if you need to.  First of all, Jerry is just a friend, as a friend I have no place in even suggesting that he calls someone back.  Second of all I am not okay with calling him calling Berkus.  Honesty, what can I and what can I not handle.  Be truthful.  I need to stop feeling guilty for Jerry, and stop putting him above myself.  If I need Jerry around, I need to be honest and tell him, “Jerry, I really would like you to stay here and talk with me tonight, to hang out with me tonight.”  If Jerry, chooses to stay I shouldn’t feel guilty for that.  He is making a choice to stay, I need to accept his choice.  If he chooses to leave I need to accept that choice.  Jerry makes the right choices all the time, but I feel guilty and push him in to doing things I do not want him to do.  Stupid on my part.
I think I finally figured out, “The Kid in the Candy Store”, statement everyone keeps using.  First of all before I begin, I am not your parent, I can not set your limitations, only you can do that.  I feel that everyone is right by saying you are like a kid in a candy store.  When we bring our children to a candy store they want it all.  We as parents have to set limitations.  No you can only have $3.00 worth and of candy and you are only allowed to eat three pieces today.  Jerry has no limitations, no one to tell him no, except himself.  It’s a temptation and most kids can not say no.  Jerry is like a kid he wants to fill his pockets with all he can take in.  He has friends who are also kids in a candy store.  He has fun with them, he hangs out with them, they are genuinely good people.  Jerry is not alone in the candy fighting his own temptation to fight it all, his friends are with him in the candy store, they are urging him on to take the candy.  He knows he should only take a little, but his friends are their telling him take more it will be okay, take more, no one has to know.  So Jerry takes more than he should, and in the process he is creating cavities.

I don’t know Jerry’s friends I would like to get to know them one day, and maybe one day I will have that pleasure.  I think Jerry needs friends.  I also think Jerry needs a counselor.  I think he is taking advice from his friends and I feel his friends don’t have good advice to give.  They are all gay, of course they want Jerry to be gay to even possibly leave me.  Why wouldn’t they, it gives them another person to relate to, it gives them “fresh meat” so to say.  They gay community as large as it is, is also very small from my understanding, they need a new guy to date.  Their realities with their wives, with their own lives is not Jerry’s reality.  Jerry needs to figure out his own reality with an impartial person who can give Jerry the advice that Jerry needs.  Not the advice I want him to have, not the advice of his friends (with their own interests involved).  Jerry plain and simply needs someone who has Jerry’s interest at heart and only Jerry’s interest at heart.

Jerry and I have made mistakes.  We both used each other when we got married.  He used me as a cover to hide from being gay.  I used Jerry to take care of me and my daughter, I wanted the perfect life I knew Jerry could provide it.  Jerry was my best friend, he was safe, he was secure we both trusted each other.  Truth is we both used each other, we didn’t marry because we were head over heals in love we married because at the time it was the right choice for us.  We stayed together through our problems because it was the right choice for us at the time.  The only difference between then and now is I fell in love with Jerry somewhere along the way, and he didn’t fall in love with me because he is gay.

My emotions and the way I have been acting have not been right to myself, to my children or to Jerry.  I have blamed Jerry for things that are not entirely his fault.  Jerry has made mistakes.  I tell everyone about Jerry’s mistakes I never mention mine in here.  Last night, I told Jerry to go to swim.  I knew he would go to swim, then go out to eat.  It was Valentine’s Day an important day for me.  He stayed late with Berkus.  I thought he was in a car accident, I have been mean, I have been yelling I kept Jerry up late the last few nights, he wasn’t answering his phone.  I was scared.  He called an hour and a half past his normal time.  He was out with Berkus.  I was pissed.  I was pissed because I was worried, and then I was enraged that he would have the audacity to leave me home when I have been crying all day to see someone.  What!  Anyways, it didn’t end great last night, but I asked if I could sleep with him, we did with a pillow in between us all night.  Sorry, back to my point.  Jerry had no plans on making swim last night.  Who pushed him to go.  YES, your right, it was me.  My fault!  Jerry’s fault in this is that he shouldn’t have stayed late with Berkus.  In order for Jerry and I to move forward we need to own our own mistakes.  We can not blame one another for things that have happened for what we allowed to happen to us.  We need to take responsibility for allowing things to happen, for acting and doing certain things.  We need to forgive ourselves and we need to forgive each other.

On that note I am not ready for Jerry to date!  I do not want to hear about him dating.  On personal level, as a friend I don’t feel Jerry should be dating right now.  He needs to figure himself out, he needs to figure out his role in our lives mine and the kids.  Jerry needs to go out with friends, gay friends and have fun.  Jerry in my opinion shouldn’t be dating now.  When Jerry is ready, and feels ready he should date.  Jerry will make his own choice and whatever choice he makes I need to accept it.  I told Jerry tonight, if I had a gun I would shoot Berkus.  Ha, HA laugh out loud it is Joke.  Expression of anger not truth by any means.  But I blame Berkus!  How funny is that!  I blame the innocent party in this.  This isn’t Jerry’s fault this is Berkus’s fault.  Funny stuff.  Jerry made the choice to date Berkus, I need to be mad at Jerry not Berkus. 

Anyways, I told Jerry I want to be his friend.  I do not and can not handle hearing that he is kissing, or being intimate with anyone.  I don’t want to know that.  I flat out told him he needs to lie.  Tell me he hung out him Joe Smith and this what they did and he had a great time doing it.  I only want to hear about Jerry’s experiences with his friends.  I don’t mind hearing he went to the club and grinded with ten guys.  I mind hearing that he enjoys kissing someone else.  My anger started when Jerry started dating Berkus, it has spun wildly out of control since.
Jerry has agreed to go to counseling with me.  We have an appointment tomorrow.  This counseling, is merely a way for us to make it through this without harming each other, without harming our children.  It is not to work on a marriage, it is not to work on friendship.  It is simply to keep us from killing each other.  We dissolved our marriage in the last week.  I still have emotions; I can’t click my fingers and have them go away.  I can take ownership of what is going on.  I can learn to accept my new reality.  Last night, I was worried about Jerry, Last night I knew I was wrong.  Jerry is my best friend living life without him would seem empty.

We will be friends again.  Jerry right now with me is at a negative 3, I am at zero.  I want to start over, I want to do this right.  It will take time for Jerry to trust me and my intentions again.  I need to accept that.  His lack of trust for me is my fault!  I will own that and give him the time needed to trust me again.  It won’t be overnight, I will need to show him.

My mother’s coming to support us.  My mother is a courageous lady, who is caring and smart, brilliant at times.  She has been my rock!  Jerry and her have never had the greatest relationship, but she loves him and he loves her, now that he is gay their love for another has blossomed to a new level.  I support her understanding for what Jerry and I are trying to do. I appreciate her insight, I am sure Jerry does too.  Through this process she knows the appropriate things to say at the right times.  If someone says something too soon or too late it can backfire, most of the time you need to hear at just the right moment for it to be understandable.  My mother is a wonderful woman, I appreciate her love and support during this time.
I told Jerry today, there is only one way I would like to get through this and thats taking baby steps with you.  I want you by my side, I want to be by yours.  I'm not ready to jump ship without you.  When we get to the end the plank sometime(baby steps), I want to jump with you and swim with you and I know together we can make it to the other side and still be freinds.  If jump ship now separately, we may never find each other again.