Tuesday, January 31, 2012


Jerry posted a few comments on my blog the other day.  I feel as though I need to back him up.  He is correct.  This blog is about my feelings.  My feelings are true and factual for being emotions.  This blog is however not a story.   I do leave out pertinent information.  I don’t leave out this information to better my case or to make me look a certain way; I leave it out because that information doesn’t apply to my feelings.  If I was telling a story more of the information would be given, I would try to tell both sides of the story as factual as I possibly could.  Even if I was telling a story, it still wouldn’t be the ultimate truth as there are always two sides, two perceptions.  I’m in no way lying; I try to be truthful to my feelings.
If I was telling a story the story would go something like this.  There once was a boy and a girl who met at 14.  There was an undeniable spark and connection for both of them on different levels, they became fast friends.  That friendship would not end for years to come.  The girl got pregnant and the boy felt for her situation, even though she designed it.  Most of all he fell in love with her daughter.  The boy had a desire to better this girl’s life, he knew the hardships she had, and he could see two futures for her.  One that followed in her mother’s footsteps and another one he was born into.
He loved this girl with all his heart, she meant the world him, and he loved the way she loved him.  He made a choice to give his life up, so she could have the life she always wanted.  They created a family, they moved around a lot as he built a solid career.  He supported her financially, emotionally; he supported her as a stay at home mother.  He encouraged her to get college degree.  They had a wonderful relationship, and he loved her probably more than anyone he has ever loved before.  She loved him to he was a supportive husband, a great father, a wonderful neighbor, he was loyal he was honest; he tried to ensure that this girl was always happy.
He knew that this girl needed something more, and he wanted, he desired to give this girl everything she wanted, but it didn’t matter how much he tried, he was just unable to meet her needs.  She knew he was trying to fill her needs she saw it in his eyes.  She knew he loved her.  One day after years of unhappiness this boy whom turned into a man finally accepted that he was gay.
Not wanting to hurt his best friend the woman he married, he decided not to tell her right away.  He was looking out for her interest as she finished college.  It became too hard for him to keep a secret any longer as she wrote him letter of her pain.  He looked into her eyes and saw her pain from his own inabilities to love her the way she needed.  He came out a year and half early because he couldn’t bear hurting her any longer.  He was expecting the worst he expected her to leave, he expected her to hate him.

The woman didn’t hate him, but encouraged him to be gay.  She still accepted him for who he was.  He was fully aware of the long emotional journey that it would be for the both of them.  He ensured her that he was not leaving her that he was staying for the long haul.  She being na├»ve was unaware at the emotional toll that this would take on her.  Loving him the way she did she moved a little quickly for her comfort but encourage, pushed and prompted him to explore the side of him that he kept locked away for so many years.

She wanted him as a lover even though he was gay.  She thought he would realize that he wanted her too.  He knew that this was going to be an emotional journey for her, a struggle.  He promised her to listen.  He allowed her to make him feel like a piece of shit, he took it all and never once made her feel wrong for her feelings.  He listened.  He made mistakes, he admitted them and he told her there were going to be many more mistakes throughout this process.  He told her that she would make mistakes and say things she would later regret, he would make mistakes as well.  This was going to be a trial for both of them as they try to redefine who they are, with and without each other.  He continues to this day to meet her needs, to show his undying love for her.  He tries to prove to her that her friendship means something to him.  He tells her he sorry for the way he treated her almost daily.  He explains to her that he wanted to meet her needs, he was just unable.  He explains to her that he is not the same man he was just four months ago, that he has changed that he is now a better, happier man.  She knows this, she sees this in him.
He trusts her more than he trusted her then, he confides in her more than he confided in her then.  He is finally able to be open with her.  She loves him still.  She is afraid though.  She is having a difficult time trusting him.  He has hurt her to the core, and she is afraid that he will hurt her again.  The doors are closing to heart, she is trying to block herself off him, but at the same she struggling to keep those doors to heart open knowing that she needs to trust him, trust that he will never hurt her the way he did.  They have a lot more to go through; their journey is not over yet. 

In the end she kept the doors from closing.  She learned to respect him as a gay man, who became her best friend.  He learned to respect her as a woman who would always be in love with a gay man.  It took a long time, and a lot of work on both of their parts.  With a lot of compromise and understanding they were able to continue their best friend relationship that they once started out with.  They are soulmates, they both needed each other and they both knew the connection they shared could never be broken.  They both lived unknowingly ever after.
Jerry is a great man with a lot of character.  My blog doesn’t make out him to be all the time, but he is.  He respects me and my feelings.  We may not always see eye to eye, but we respect one another’s feelings or least to come to an understanding of them.  Jerry loves me with all his heart.  I am the one who kept pushing Jerry be gay, to explore to find himself.  No, I wasn’t ready.  The fact is not all of this is Jerry’s fault, it is mine as well. 

Monday, January 30, 2012

Jerry, I have always loved you.  From first day we met there was something special, a connection that I have never felt with anyone.  I love you still and I am sure I will always love you.  I trusted you to always protect me, to never let me; I trusted that you would never break my heart.  You didn’t protect me from this, you let me down, and you broke my heart.  I have never felt this type of hurt; I never thought I would have to, especially not from you the person I love most in this world.
You asked me yesterday, “Will we make it through this?”  My immediate answer was, “I don’t know.”  My thought provoked answer is, “I would rather hold on to the possibility of not knowing.  Thinking that the way I feel will change in time.  That as I heal, a friendship between us can build.  My answer today is, “No, we will not make it through this.  The pain I feel when I am around you, when I look at you, when I try to be your friend is too much to bear right now.  Bearing this pain alone is too hard.”

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I know you feel as though I am playing games with you, I can assure you I am not.  The truth is I never left the denial phase in the stages of grief.  I know I said I wanted to be friends, I was okay with that.  I figured you needed to time realize.  As the lyrics in the song Realize by Colbie Caillat says…

If you just realize what I just realized,
Then we'd be perfect for each other
And will never find another
Just realize what I just realized
We'd never have to wonder if
We missed out on each other now.

It's not the same
No it's never the same
If you don't feel it to.
If you meet me half way
If you would meet me half way.
It could be the same for you.

I believed that you would realize that you needed me too. I thought you would realize that really did want me and love me as a wife; you just needed a man too. I never really allowed myself to believe that you never loved me as a wife, that you didn’t love me the same way I loved you. I thought you were confused and you just didn’t see it, but that in time you would know that you really do love me too! I don’t know that I will ever be able to comprehend how you could have pretended to love me that way for nine years, to allow me to think that you loved me that way, when you never did. I didn’t realize that you really didn’t feel the same way I felt, until you kissed him. When you kissed him, you salvaged any and all hope I had for us. The one thing I wanted, needed and desired most from you, you easily gave to another. Knowing that you didn’t kiss me that way, realizing that you will never kiss me, crushed me. For me that hurt more than finding out you were gay. I honestly made myself believe that you just didn’t have it in you too kiss, not just me but anyone. I never believed that you would kiss anyone else, especially not on a first date. I don’t know if I will be able to get past this and forgive you. Right now, I am just hurt, really, really hurt.
I am not playing games.  We have had our issues over the last four months.  Yes, I said you could talk to Random, I never expected that you would give up your gym time for him.  I wanted to have sex with you at night, but for whatever reason we usually didn’t, especially not after you started going to the gym in the mornings.  My feelings were hurt because you gave up your gym time for him.  I didn’t understand why my feelings were so hurt when you started talking to him obsessively, until I realized that it’s because you were pushing me away.  Your actions made me feel as though I was no longer important to you.  Recently I relayed those feelings of being left out, with the way my treated me as “new men” would come into her life.  I felt left out, ignored I thought feeling that way was over.  It started again with you, first Random, now with your gay men’s group, especially with not inviting me to the swim meet.  I understand why, but it doesn’t change my feelings regardless of your reasoning’s, I still feel left out.

I don’t know that overreacted when I brought up that I thought you were going out too much, or that I wasn’t comfortable with you sleeping at Clementine’s.  I thought it was fair.  You thought I would be the one going out all the time, you were worried about that.  It was not me though.  I was okay with you going out this week, I didn’t mind it.  I understood that you had special circumstances and opportunities in which you needed to go.  I felt it was important. 

I thought I could handle hearing your stories.  I never felt jealous, not recently.  Left out yes, jealous never.  I was okay with your dancing, story your groping story; I know I would have been okay if you would have had sex with Berkus.  The reason I would have been okay with it is because I get to have sex with you too.  Berkus would not have received anything I haven’t.  I was okay being your friend and hearing your stories because I really believed that there was absolutely no possibility that you didn’t love me.  I looked at this way, “How could he be with me for nine years and not love me?  It just isn’t possible for him not to love me that way, there is no way he could have pretended for that long to love me that way.  There was no way that I wouldn’t have seen or known that you didn’t love you that way.”  When you kissed Berkus, you shattered my heart, for the first time since you came out to me I see now, I feel now that there is no possibility of us, because if there was you would have made an effort to kiss me, you certainly wouldn’t have kissed him knowing that I wanted you to kiss me.  For the first time, I feel that you really never did love me, that you never had the feelings I had for you.  It was a charade of sorts, a lie, pretend, I feel so hurt right now I cannot decipher what was even real between us and what wasn’t.
I don’t feel that my feelings are important to you.  How could you not know how much kissing someone else would hurt me?  I feel that you didn’t put any thought or energy into how I might feel with you kissing someone else, when you wouldn’t kiss me.  How could you not know that? 

I feel that I have nothing left to offer you right now.  I cannot be a friend to you.  I cannot support you, I cannot listen to your stories or even be excited for you right now.  You said that you were excited because you finally are coming to understand yourself.  You said you were happy to have the opportunity to figure yourself out, to get to know your likes and dislikes.  Now that you have accepted yourself, it leaves me not accepting myself.  I was self-assured and confident, now I am lost.  I feel a void in my life without you.  I don’t know that the void will ever be replaced or filled again.  I didn’t have a whole lot of trust for men before married, the little trust I did have has completely vanished, and sanctity marriage is also null and void now too.  How will I ever let myself believe that someone loves me, how will I know the difference between a “real” love, and the love you had for me. 
I feel like for the last four months I struggled to hold on to you, to develop a relationship with you as friends.  I really tried and I still had hope that you would realize.  I can’t hold on, or push or try to remain friends with you.  It hurts too much right now.  I fear that by letting go, that our friendship will come crashing down never regaining itself in the future.  Right now, I am too afraid to be your friend.  I feel as though you will treat me as my mother did, I will only be important in your life when you have no one else, but when someone else come’s you will push me aside.  I don’t know that I can live the rest of my life feeling that all over again.  Twenty years of that was enough to last me a lifetime I assure you. 

I am going to need time away from you.  I don’t want to separate rooms because I know that this is just the beginning of the end, I don’t feel that this is the end for a new beginning.  I need time away from you so I can find myself.  I need you to not rely on me.  I need you not to call me, or text me, I need you to make every effort to distance yourself from me as a friend.  I need time so that I can learn how to deal with all of this, I need to figure out how I will ever move on with my life without you in it.  I won’t be able to do that or make good decisions for myself, if I am always worried about you, your wants, your needs, your desires.  If I continue to worry about the best for Jerry, I will never make time to worry about what is best for me.  I need time and I need space and I can’t be your friend right now. 

I will continue to do family things with you, I can be corrigible and we can talk, but separate things together, and talking just the two of us needs to stop, so I can move on without you too.  Out of all people in my life I never expected or anticipated you to hurt me so much, I don’t know how to move forward or how to get past this.
I know you didn’t choose to be gay, but you did choose not to share with me.  You chose to marry me, you chose to lie to me.  You chose to make me feel as though you loved me, that I was the only one for you.  You chose to continue to lie to me and make me believe in forever with you, even after you knew it wasn’t true.  You didn’t choose to be gay, I believe that.  You did choose not to kiss me though, and you are also choosing to leave me now.  You are choosing that the life we had isn’t good enough for you, nor is it the life you want to live.  I don’t know how else to call it other than after nine years of letting me believe you loved me, you are now rejecting me.  Yes you are rejecting me, you are simply saying, Michelle you are not enough for me.  You knew you didn’t love me then, you know indefinitely that you don’t love me now, and I am not the person you want to be with.  If that is not rejection, then I don’t know what is.  I don’t know if I will be able to get over the rejection, maybe in time, I just don’t know.

I have a counseling appointment tomorrow with Jeff and Wednesday with a lady named Michelle.  She says she can possibly help.  Unfortunately I am back at square one in the coming out process.

Sunday, January 29, 2012

I’m going to a counselor.  I have issues, baggage I need to learn how to deal with.  I have been pushing my true feelings down, instead of dealing with them.  Yes, it hurts my feelings that Jerry kissed someone.  Yes, I gave him permission.  Mentally, I never thought he would ever kiss another person.  I believed what he told me, I believed that kissing was too intimate do with anyone.  I needed to hear him tell me that he kissed someone else.  I still had hope that he loved me that I was the one, he just didn’t know it, he didn’t see it the way I do.  His choice of kissing someone diminished my hope.  I don’t want to just be friends with Jerry.  I want him to love me the way I love him.
Him being able to kiss another, diminished my hope, it made me angry, scared, sad, hurt, terrified.  Yes, I gave him permission, yes I wanted to hear about it.  The fact is I am not ready to hear about it.  I am not ready to lose him.  He feels as if I am playing games.  I see where he is coming from, and why he thinks that.  I assured him I am not.  I want to be the friend, I want to be happy for him, I want to push my feelings for him aside and be okay with just being a friend.  I fight with my emotions every day as I try to block them, hide them. 

The fact is I still need him to love me; I still want him to love me.  I have baggage from my childhood that I think is affecting me and my emotions now.  I need to learn to deal with them.  I won’t go into it, but when I was growing up I cried and felt lost because I didn’t have father.  I wanted one so badly, I wanted to be loved and appreciated by a man.  My mother had boyfriends off and on throughout my whole childhood.  Whenever a new boyfriend would come she would push me away.  She would stop hanging out with, or caring about my feelings.  He would leave and she would pay attention to me again, a couple months would go by and she would get a new boyfriend, and the process would start over.

I thought I was over that.  My mother apologized and I moved on.  Everything that is happening now with Jerry is bringing back those emotions.  The love that I desired from a man, that I needed and wanted from, the love I thought I had, wasn’t real.  I feel as if I am unworthy of being loved by a man the way a man should love me.  I feel as though Jerry is being like my mother he is pushing me aside for his only personal needs.  It’s just the beginning in my eyes.  It was so easy for Jerry to push aside when he met Random.  It is easy for Jerry to push me aside to explore himself.  The friendship I see with him is much like the relationship I experienced with my mother.  Jerry will hang out with me, when there is no one else.  When he finds someone else, he will push me aside and have nothing to do with me, until he breaks up with that person and needs me again.  I don’t know that I am strong enough to repeat that cycle with him that I did with my mother.  It takes a toll.  It hurts.  I don’t trust him.
I need to go to counseling so that maybe I can release my baggage, not just push it down.  I need to learn how to let go.  Yes, Jerry is gay but it doesn’t change the fact that I still want him to love me!  I need to be real with myself, I need to be real with Jerry and stop pretending that I am okay with just being friends.  I’m not okay with that right now.  I was hoping that jerry would realize that yes he is gay, but he still wants me and needs me that way too.  This isn’t going to happen I know that now.   I don’t know where to go from here.

I can’t handle knowing or hearing truth about Jerry right now.  I need some space!  I don’t want space; it means that this is real.  Jerry will no longer be sharing a bed with me, he is leaving me and this is just the first step.  I need space though, I need to accept that the life I thought had wasn’t real, and it isn’t real.  I need time to heal and work through my issues, alone.  I am making an appointment with a counselor down here this week.

If anyone lives in Utah and has a recommendation on a counselor it would be greatly appreciated.  I need someone to talk to.  To help me deal with my past, deal with my now, and move forward to a brighter future.

Every comment that I have received from my blogger friends are accurate!  You are all right!  The only thing you are not right about is me and Jerry.  I am not exceptional, I am not strong and I do not support Jerry like I should.  It’s not that I don’t want to, but sometimes my emotions just consume me and I don’t.  Jerry, he tried hard to treat me right.  He is considerate of my feelings.  He is the strongest most compassionate person I know.  It is my fault he did the things he did.  I lied to him, I lied to myself.  If I said I wasn’t okay with him kissing another, he would have respected my feelings and he wouldn’t have done it.  I said I was okay with it though even though I really wasn’t.  I want to be okay with it.  I was okay with it because I know Jerry, and I know that he would never kiss anyone especially not on a first date.  Kissing is far too intimate for him.  I was wrong!  I need to learn to be truthful with my feelings, my thoughts.  I need to stop hiding from them, and learn to deal with them, so that maybe one day they my feelings will change or go away.  I don’t write this for my blogger friends, I write this for me, but because you read this I am sorry to you as well.  I am sorry for lying to you too.    

I have been lying to myself.  I have been lying to Jerry.  I can be a wrench!  Thankfully, Jerry is a strong compassionate man.  He is a forgiving man.  I know my actions were wrong.  I know that sorry doesn’t take what I did away.
To show that I can be a horrible friend, wife, ex-wife, person here is what I texted Jerry yesterday.
Me:  It’s not a good friend day.  I don’t want to see you at all today or tomorrow.  You should stay the night at Chads.  Tomorrow you can go to the coffee shop to study; when you come home I leave for Doug’s.  Let me know if that works for you, or if I need to make other arrangements.

Jerry: Why not a good friend day?  Anything I did or said?
Me:  You not only kissed another but you made out with them.  A stranger.  Nine years I begged to kiss me, to make out with me.  You know how much you hurt my feelings not to make the effort to do that with me.

Jerry:  Fair Enough
Me:  One date and you do it for him.  I tried to make you happy, I would have done anything to make you happy, to fill your needs.  Yet you never would, you didn’t do the one thing that would have filled my needs or make me happy.  I don’t want to talk to you.  I don’t want to look at you.  I don’t know that I can forgive you.  I needed to hear that you did that and that you did it with such ease.

Jerry:  I’ll wait in my car while you prepare to leave.

Me:  Right now, I don’t want to be friends.  I don’t know that I can or even want to forgive you for not kissing me.  Do you even comprehend how much that one thing hurt me?  How much it hurt me for the last nine years?  The one thing I needed from you, to make me feel more than a slut.  The one thing that would make me feel like I was good enough, that I was more than just a fuck.
Jerry:  Apparently I did not, I am out of the house you can go in.

Me:  The one thing that would have made me feel special.  You didn’t even try or care about my feelings.
Jerry:  You’re right.

Me:  Thanks for showing me so much love.
Jerry:  I have been a complete asshole during our marriage when it comes to your needs.  There is not much I can say other than I am sorry.  I am sorry that I chose not to do that for you.

Me:  I’m gone.  Sorry, can’t change it, fix it or make it better.
Jerry:  I hope you’re able to enjoy yourself.  I realize I can’t fix that.  I would like to make it all better but I know it’s not realistic.  All I can do is hope not to lose your friendship.

Me:  You don’t need me or my friendship.  If you really cared and wanted to maintain a friendship you wouldn’t have purposely hurt me the way you did.  You would have made an effort to meet my needs.  You would have wanted me to feel worthy, special.  You didn’t though.  You didn’t want to.  I didn’t know this when we were married, I didn’t know how much you really didn’t care for me.  I allowed it, I made excuses for your actions, I accepted the way you treated me.  I thought it was okay because I thought you were just uncapable of loving someone the way I needed you to love me.  You are capable of showing intimacy, affection, just not for me, to me.   You don’t deserve my friendship.  You lied to me.  You made me feel like a slut, like a hooker, because you wouldn’t kiss me.  You were okay with that.  You were okay with hurting me,  Then with such simplicity, to allow that intimacy with another.  A stranger.  I don’t forgive you.  You are not my friend, I don’t know if you ever really were.  Friends don’t treat ech other and make each other feel the way you treated me, the way you made me feel.  I don’t want to do this with you anymore.  I’m tired of feeling second class, when it comes to you.  I’m done.
Jerry:  I would like time to process what you have said.  If you are willing I would like to talk with you in a few days.

Me:  There is nothing to say, I have no desire to remain friends with you.  I’m buying a bed.  You can stay in the basement as long as you want.  I will remain corrigible and nice.  I just don’t want a relationship with you.  I’m planning on spending the night at Doug’s tomorrow so I won’t be home.  I’ll be back Monday to take the kids to school.  I’ll sleep on the couch until we move back into our home.  If you need me to leave I can make arraingements for us to move in with my aunt and uncle so I can finish school.  I feel our friendship just like the intimacy you showed to me was meaningless for you.  I will not allow you to treat me this way anymore.  I will not stand by you so that you can continue to treat me poorly.  This is about you, your feelings, your needs it always has been.  Do you, be selfish I am used to it now.  I just choose not to be apart of it anymore.  I deserve a friend who actually cares how I feel, what my needs are.  Clementine will be a good friend for you.  He will be supportive of you and your needs.  Just don’t use and abuse him for your personal issues the way you did me.  I hope you hate me right now.  I want you to despise me, I want you to regret the day you met me.  Let me know what I can do to ensure that you end up hating me.  Tell me how to push you so far away you’ll want nothing more to do with me.  Telling your family?  Will that work?  Kicking you in the nuts?  Leaving Utah, knowing that you will not be able to come with?  What can I do to make you hate me so?
I don’t forgive you, I won’t forgive you.  For the first time in my life I feel so betrayed, so hurt by you, for the first time I actually Hate you!  I hate you for what your putting me through.  I hate you for lying to me.  For letting me feel unworthy of being kissed by you, of being loved by you.  I hate you!  I hope it was worth it!  I’m done texting now.  I hope you have a great day.  I hope you meet someone better than me.  Someone whom you will make an effort for, someone you fall in love with.  I hope you feel, like you would do anything to make this person happy.  Most of all I hope they treat you like you have treated me.  I hope they leave you hurt, heartbroken, and angry.  Have a great time!  It’s nice to know that I still remain at the bottom of your priority list.

Your dad called I didn’t say anything.  Don’t expect to ever regain a friendship after tonight, you have shown me once again just how willing you are to sacrifice yourself for my friendship.  It’s nice to see that Berkus and Clementine are more important than I am.  I knew I wouldn’t have to push hard to push you away.  I knew you would never give of yourself, or your time to comfort me, to fight for a friendship with me.  It’s comforting to know I am making the right choice as you continue with your day of fun.  To ignore my pain my hurt.  It’s comforting to know that plan to dance me away with ease, just as you displaced my feelings my emotions with ease by being intimate and kissing another. 
By not responding to  my text, my calls you have signed, sealed, stamped and delivered that my friendship means nothing to you, meant nothing to you.  FUCK you!!!  You should have been here with me today!  You should have fought for me, you should have comforted me.  You should have done something special for me!  To prove to me that I actually did mean something to you, that my friendship was important to you.  Instead you ignore me.  You leave to shop, to watch a movie, to have fun.  While I cry.  I know now by your actions that I am not of importance to you.  You could care less about me or my friendship.  If I don’t hear back from you in 15 minutes, I’m leaving to go to Arizona, I will not return or see you again.

Then I called Jerry again.  He answered he came home we talked.  I’ll go in to detail another day. 
Re-reading my texts as write them down for all to see, all I have to say is WHOLLY shit psycho on the loose!!!!!  BE WARE FOR THE CRAZY!!!

Sad thing, as I was writing them, I thought to myself, you’ve F!@#ing lost it, you’re insane.  What are you on Jerry Springer or something?  I thought I was relatively normal until yesterday; apparently I am missing a screw or two.  I wanted Jerry to feel just a fraction of what I feel.  My actions, my intent was wrong! 

Saturday, January 28, 2012

I am choosing to hold on to the anger, and I am choosing to let go of the man I thought was my friend.

I have a choice.  I choose to feel hurt, I am choosing to acknowledge that I am hurt, I am choosing to hold on to that hurt.  My whole relationship with Jerry I worried about his happiness.  I wanted to make him happy, I wanted to meet his wants, his needs.  Often times if I upset him, or if he was upset I would try to make it all better.  I hated when he was mad at me.  I felt awful if I made him feel awful, I would try to make up for it.

Honesty, my true feelings is what this blog is about a journal of sorts.  Alright, I’m ready to take another trip down memory lane.  I never had a boyfriend, I was too skinny not developed enough, wrong personality I really don’t know.  The first guy I had sex with, I just wanted to lose my virginity and be like my friends.  I didn’t really know what I was doing, but I did it anyways.  I think we had sex, I didn’t feel anything though, I was 14.  I never saw him again after that.  It should have been Jerry; I felt that he wanted me.  I would grab his dick all the time, but he never made a move. 
The second person, I said no repeatedly, I didn’t want to have sex with, I dreaded it.  He didn’t stop.  I put myself in the situation, I allowed for it to happen.  We had sex because I wasn’t strong enough to leave; to walk away to scream no.  It happened because I was a coward.  It happened a month after I lost my virginity.  I didn’t want to feel like slut, I didn’t want to be a slut so I continued having sex with him repeatedly for the next six months.  He treated me badly.  It was a bad time in my life.  The third guy, super hot we fucked in the dessert my junior year.  I fucked him several times until I graduated.  We weren’t friends he was using me and I was okay with it.  He also treated me like shit.  The fourth guy he was 10 years older than me I was 17.  He was my mother’s boyfriends son.  I didn’t want to have sex with either but by this time; I had lost all courage to say no, to walk away.  So we fucked repeatedly for the next year.  My first week in college a friend of a friend invited me to a party.  I was stupid, I went.  I drank too much; I didn’t know where I was or how to get home.  I told him that I would like to go home.  He said fuck me and I will take you home.  What did I do, I fucked him in the Target parking lot in his car.  I never saw him again either.
The next guy was about six months later his name Justin.  Justin was Jerry’s really good friend.  At this time I felt that Jerry still lusted after me, but still made no effort in making us something more than friends.  I fucked Justin to piss Jerry off!  It worked, I successfully pissed Jerry off.  I never saw Justin after that.  The next guy I worked with at The Sizzler, I went to the bar got really drunk went home with him, fucked him and left.  I quite the Sizzler shortly after I never saw him again.  Then there was Brian, a guy who was madly in love me.  He was a friend, a good friend, someone I could really count on and rely upon.  He wanted to make me his girlfriend he had for years.  So trying to make myself like the guy, I fucked him, hated it and never saw him again.  I talk to him occasionally on FB.  I did him wrong.
Then there was Jacob a guy from 7-11, I fucked him for several months and then moved on.  My second year in college, went to a party, got drunk got a ride home.  Yes, I fucked him too.  Booty call again, it lasted for three months until I moved on to Adam who was just another booty call.  Adam and I continued this until I purposely got pregnant.  Somewhere in all this I fucked a guy named Ryan to prove to my friend he was a lying, cheating bastard.  She punch in the eye, I laughed at least she knew what kind of guy he really was.  Juan, a guy who was 15 years older than I, my mother’s friends cousin, it was a one nighter too.   There are probably more people I fucked and don’t remember, I drank a lot.  Yeah, the blackout drink a lot, when you wake up and have no idea where you are, or how you got there.  Then I got pregnant by Adam, and moved away.  I didn’t want a man in my life; I knew I could raise my daughter alone.  I changed my life the day I got pregnant.  I felt happy for the first time in a very long time.
I was 3 months pregnant the first time Jerry and I had sex.  By this time in my life, I didn’t really want to have sex with Jerry because I had a feeling I would lose my best friend and this too would turn into just another one night stand.  Jerry was a virgin though and as a friend, I helped him out I let him fuck me too.  It turned out to be what I thought it would, what I feared another one night stand.  Again we didn’t talk for 7 months after that, it wasn’t until my daughter was born and he came to the hospital.
Our relationship changed after the birth of my daughter.  For the first time in my life, I trusted a man I trusted Jerry and I allowed him in.  We dated, we fucked like rabbits.  It wasn’t intimate then either, I blamed it on his newness to sex.  When we married I thought things would change I thought he would kiss me, be intimate with me, show me love that no one to this day has.  He didn’t, but I thought it was because he was timid, shy, afraid, emotionally I thought he was unable to get close to anyone like that.  I accepted it because I loved him so much, I always have.  I was okay with it because I thought he loves me as much as he possibly could love anyone, it’s not for me to hold against him. 
All I ever wanted form Jerry was to feel loved.  Really loved.  Yes the kissing, the making out, the desire, the want, the passion the sex that proclaims I love you more than a fuck.  Instead he just fucked me and used me like all the others did.  He used me as a shield to hide behind; he fucked me to get off not out of love.  It’s my fault I allowed it, I believed it was the best he could provide for anyone. 
I don’t care that he is gay!  Yes, he is gay!  No he didn’t have feelings like that for me, but it was his choice to pretend to.  It was his choice not to make an effort to make me like I was special, that I was important to him.  It was his choice to blame me for his unwillingness!  I don’t care that he’s gay or fucks another guy.  I care that he knew how much him kissing me would mean to me.  How important it was, how much I wanted it, how much I needed that from him. 
Yet after my years begging, pleading, asking why with no resolve other than I try he kisses another with ease.  Not only did he kiss another, but he made out with him.  In public!!!!  After years of begging for this one thing, and for him to be able to do it with such ease it hurts.  I don’t want to get over that!
He was supposed to be my friend, the friend that would do anything for you to see you be happy.  He was supposed to be my husband, the person I could trust and rely on, the person who would give up his own happiness to make me happy.  Right now, I am done supporting him emotionally.  I am done with his friendship.  I am currently not speaking to Jerry, I don’t plan on speaking with as a friend.
We will talk ex-spouse things.  I am looking for a new bed, I will buy it when we move into our home.  Our marital bed will be given to Jerry as he transitions himself into out basement.  When our finances are worked out he will leave, until then we longer share a room or a bed.  I choose, right now that I don’t want to work on friendship, with someone who would treat me the way he has.  I am choosing to hold onto this feeling, to remember it, to think about it daily so I don’t forget and forgive, like I always do.  I am choosing to part from Jerry right now, to make new friends.  Maybe one day I will choose to let go of the feeling I have right now and maybe one day we can be friends, but right now, I don’t need a friend like Jerry in my life.  I am choosing to stay still in this moment, I am going to watch him walk away and be gay, as I look back, I know forward without him is the only way I can go.

Jerry, Please DO NOT READ this posting.  I would like this to remian PRIVATE.

Jerry out tonight with Berkus.  They went Jasoh.  Jerry said his food was good, but he didn’t enjoy Berkus’s food.  Berkus ended up paying for dinner and afterwards they walked to the movie, I guess Berkus put his arm around Jerry as they walked.  Jerry said it wasn’t uncomfortable and that he enjoyed it.  Jerry said the movie was okay, not something he truly enjoyed.  Afterwards Berkus and Jerry walked back to their cars, where Jerry not only received his first kiss, but his first make-out session!  I am pretty sure the make-out session lasted a good while Jerry didn’t get home until late.  He seemed like he had a lot of fun.  As a friend I am so excited for him!  I have seen pictures of the handsome man and he is very good looking.  Good Job, Jerry!
As a friend, as a best friend, as girlfriend, as a wife, as an ex-wife learning to be only friends again,  It was too much to handle!  I shouldn’t have asked.  I needed to know though.  When I found my answer, I stopped asking.  I don’t post too much detail about his date because I couldn’t handle it.  It’s not that I am not happy for him.  It’s not that I can’t handle him fooling around with some other guy.  I can!  It doesn’t bother me if he were to have sex, grope, give or receive a blow job, mutual masturbation, or feeling someone up.  None of that bothers me.

The kissing, the making out kills me it infuriates me.  Ten years of my life I spent begging him to just kiss me.  Asking why don’t you kiss me?  Please, let’s make out it will be fun.  Ten years, I asked, I pleaded, I begged.  I would have done anything for him to just kiss me.  Nothing.  I was his friend, his best friend, his girlfriend and wife and nothing. 
When he finally came out, I asked him, why wouldn’t you, why won’t you, why haven’t you ever made an effort to just kiss me.  His first response.  “You know your favorite movie, how she wouldn’t kiss him because it was too intimate, I felt that by kissing you it would be too intimate.”  He has known me for more than half of his life, and he was too afraid to be intimate with me.  What a crock a shit that line was.  He has known Berkus a couple of weeks and had no problem kissing him, and making out with him.

Jerry’s second response to my question.  “I just never really desired to do it, I never really thought about it.”  I tried kissing you, I begged for you to just kiss me.  I asked for you to do this often.  You knew, you thought about it and yet you made no effort ever. 

To be honest, I must be one of the weakest women in the world.  I have a new found respect for the women that leave right away.  They are strong, assertive.  What I don’t understand is why would I allow myself to be treated this way?  Why would I allow myself to let someone else make me feel worthless?  Why do I stick around, what I am personally gaining from any of this?  I was okay with being fucked, being treated like a stranger in bed.  I wanted more, of course, and Jerry knew that.  I asked him to open up, play games, I tried dressing sexy, watching porn.  You name it I tried it, I tried to get him to be more intimate.  I can respect the fact he couldn’t because he was gay.  I can easily dismiss that.  Let’s get real I am used to being fucked like a stranger.  I have never had an intimate sex life with anyone.  It was always just a fuck for them and for me.  I assumed that when I got married it would change, and I would feel good about having sex especially because I loved him, and I really thought he loved me too.

Kissing though, he could have tried he could have made an effort.  Apparently it was very easy to do with someone he didn’t know.  I don’t know that I can get over that one, I’m not ready to forgive him for that one.  I don’t know if I will be able too.  Ten years, I begged for that simple thing.
I think being emotionally hurt by someone you love so much is a horrible feeling.  I wish he would have just beat the shit out me, at least the pain of that would go away in a couple of days.  I only state that because I know how they both feel, the difference it’s easy to walk away after someone hits you.  It only takes once, but the emotional bullshit, it’s invincible you never know it’s happening until it’s too late and your too involved.

I should have known, I didn’t like men.  I never allowed myself to get close emotionally; it was always just a fuck never a boyfriend, always just a booty call.  I liked that, I always knew what to expect, I always had control, and I always left first.  It’s time for me to take the next step, it’s time for me to separate even further from Jerry, it’s time for me to fuck someone, anyone.
I can continue being corrigible with Jerry, I will continue to support him, encourage him and do anything in my power that is possible to help him be happy.  I just don’t know about being friends.  I don’t know that I can do that right now.  I need time.  I need to get away from Jerry.  I need to change my behavior towards him.  I need to make him less important in my life, I need to treat him as he has treated me for the last ten years.  He didn’t make an effort, why should I now.  I made an effort, I put all my time and energy, and focus into him, his wants, his needs, his desires.  I would have done anything for him, and yet he wouldn’t even make the effort to kiss me.  The one thing I wanted, I needed, I desired.  The one thing that would have made me feel great about myself.    Here goes the stupid crying again.  AHHHHHH I HATE CRYING!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, January 27, 2012


I’m not going to see Jerry at all this weekend, I am a little sad.  I am excited though.  He may be going on his first date.  He is going to a nice restaurant, and then a Sundance film after.  He should be home around midnight, unless things go really well.  Tomorrow morning I am meeting a group of women at trampoline world.  Before I get back Jerry is leaving to go to Clementine’s house.  They have plans to go shopping, and then to Sundance film.  Later that evening to the club, and then he’ll possibly stay the night at Clementine’s house.  Sunday he’ll get up and probably study all day until five or six.  I’ll leave around five thirty to go to Doug’s.  I won’t be back until Jerry’s in bed.   Then our week starts again.
I pretty sure I’ll miss him; I think this is the hardest adjustment.  I am just so used to having his company all the time.  To be completely honest, as much as I’ll miss his company I really do have a lot of homework to do this weekend.  I have four papers that I need to write before Monday.  I scheduled my first in school task for Monday.  It’s not really an option of completing them it absolute necessity. 
Next week as much as I would like to hang out with Jerry, I can’t.  After dinner I need to go straight to the coffee shop and complete at least another four papers during the week.   Same goes for next weekend, plus somewhere in all this we need to pack so we can move once again!

I’ll post more when Jerry and I have time discuss his outings.  I’ll let you know if it was a first date or not.  Keep your fingers crossed for him, I really hope it is!  Maybe he will even get a first kiss from it!

I really appreciate all the advice I received yesterday.  I try to really pay attention to advice I receive and try to see the insight of it.  Sometimes looking at someone else’s perspective helps me to understand my situation in a different light.  Thank you!

I tried taking everyone’s advice.  I tried to not bring it up to Jerry, but unfortunately Jerry knows me to well.  He could sense my frustration, my irritation so I had to tell him.  I told him that I didn’t appreciate that he still doesn’t want me to attend a swim competition.  I explained that I would never be uncomfortable inviting Jerry to any function I was attending or throwing.  I would never exclude him the way he is excluding me.  “You’re treating me like an ex-wife, and if that is what you want, just let me know I can be just the ex-wife.”  I explained that I would never allow any of my other friends to treat me the way he is treating me now.  I would discontinue a friendship if they treated me that way.  Why would I not discontinue a friendship with him, when he is treating me the same way I would not accept from others?    
I know for many of my blogger friends, the relationship Jerry and I have is not understandable.  Let me explain, I am not forcing myself onto him.  Jerry says, I want you to be my best friend.  I want to hang out with you and do everything with you even when our children are grown.  He says I can see us being the best of friends.  I want to call you before I go to bed, and come over to your house just because.   I want to be your closest friend.  I don’t want our relationship to falter; I want you to be the most important friend of mine.

He told me that he doesn’t want me to be the ex-wife.  We talked.  I was excited that he shared his feelings with me!  He said, “You are acting like a spoiled, irrational brat.  You don’t listen to what I say.  I explained this to you last night.  I am not you, Michelle.”
I was taken back.  I was excited.  I felt great as he called me out!  I wish he would do it more.  He shared his personal feelings with me, explained the situation.  I still don’t agree with it, but at least now I have an understanding of it.  I accept that this is how he feels and this is how he thinks.  I can appreciate the situation in which we find ourselves.  Most importantly, I came to the understanding that he is not me and his thoughts and feelings are going to be different than mine.  The truth is, what he said was probably the most romantic thing he has ever said to me.  I really appreciate that he shared with me.

He needs time.  I can accept that.  While he is not ready for me to participate in that part of his life now, he will be ready one day.  As for now he will make more of an effort to hang out with me on occasion and we can do something fun together.

As for me, I will continue to talk to him and remain his “at home friend”, right now.  I made the first step in expanding my circle of friends.  I called a mothers group who hangs out, with children similar ages to mine.  I think this is a great start for me.  Thanks to all who responded.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

I NEED ADVICE! Is this a mistake?????
I don’t know how to handle this situation and I need advice!  Blogger friends please comment and tell me your opinion!!!!!!  I need help in knowing if I am being a bitch, overreacting or what to do in this situation.

So Jerry and I separated as husband and wife and are working on being friends.  I have mentioned before that Jerry wants to remain best friends.  I feel that I, recently over the last two weeks since I confirmed our separation, have been a very supportive friend and definitely less of a wife.  Emotionally I feel that I have been able disconnect myself as Jerry’s wife.  I have accepted our situation, and have let go and I am now simply trying to be a friend, and only a friend.
I have a best friend named Jessica whom I talk to on the phone almost every night and when I am in town I go and visit her.  If she is hanging out with friends I am always invited and she always introduces me.  Jerry wants to be better friends than I am with Jessica.  I have several other friends whom I hang out with and whom always invite me to their activities, regardless of who is in attendance.  Most of my friends are LDS and I am not.  If it is an occassion where it is not just women, Jerry is always invited, and before Jerry came out as gay I was also always invited to hang out with his co-workers, friends and any activity.

Here is my problem.
Jerry wants to attend a swim meet Saturday, February 18, 2012.  It is with his gay swim group that he has been attending.  I asked if I could attend.  I am interested in swimming as we are trying to get our kids on the swim team later this year.  Also going to a swim competition would be a great time.  He doesn’t want me to come.  He is uncomfortable with the idea of me attending.  I accept the fact that he doesn’t want me to attend I am simply the ex-wife, not the friend he said he wanted. 

However, if I asked any of my friends if I could attend an activity they were going to they would have no problems letting me come and hang out.  They would have no issues introducing me to their friends and we would have a great time.  I feel that if Jerry wants to remain friends, even best friends then he should want me to attend the swim meet with him as it would be a fun event we could do together as friends. 
I don’t understand what the big deal is.  Am I wrong?  Is he wrong?
Another issue, his birthday is coming up in the next month and a half.  I attend many outings and birthday parties for my friends.  Usually for someone’s birthday if something is going on everyone is invited.  Well, I told Jerry he should plan something for his birthday to celebrate his first year of being a gay man.  He is planning something for his birthday, I am not sure what at this time, but I do know that again I am not invited to attend.  I feel again as a friend he shouldn’t have any issues with me attending.  It should be my choice whether I am comfortable with attending or not. 
I am really having a hard time understanding if he wants us to be such close friends than why doesn’t he want me to attend friend activities?  Advice please!!!!.........

At this moment the way he is treating me as a friend I feel is wrong.  In my opinion friends don’t treat each other the way Jerry is choosing to treat me.  If Jerry wants to separate our lives, he lives his gay life and I live my straight life and we only hang out because he lives here, what’s the point of us being friends?  I also feel that right now he is treating me as a roommate.
If this is the way Jerry is going to treat me, then I feel I should treat him the same way.  He can do his things and I will do my things.  I feel that because he doesn’t want to invite me to hang out with him as a friend that I should stop trying so hard to be friends.  I talk to my friends on the phone, as I also hang out with them.  If Jerry and I aren’t going to hang out as friends then there is no reason for me to continue talking to him on the phone as a friend or even hang out with him at home as a friend.  I mean we can get along and be corrigible, and be friends for our children when it comes to dinner or family time, but again what’s the point of us “hanging out”, when we can’t “hang out” outside of our home?   It seems kind of pointless to me.

AM IWRONG?????........

Advice quotations

Anyways, unless I get some advice I feel like I may be making the wrong decision.  I have decided at this moment in time that my feelings are valid and correct.  In order to show Jerry the way that I feel, I have decided not to talk to Jerry on the phone.  He usually calls me from 3:00-3:30 and then from 5:15-6:00pm.  I have also decided that I will not discuss any friend matters with him when he is home.  We can talk about the kids, marital stuff to include finances, jobs, school and household chores.  I will avoid any type of friend conversation, as I feel he doesn’t want me to be a friend. 
Is this wrong?  Am I being a bitch?  Am I expecting too much from him?

I would rather not make a mistake right now.  OPINIONS, ADVICE PLEASE!!!!!!!