Monday, September 24, 2012

Will I have a happy ending?

Two lives commented on my last post.  He asked if it was safe to say, if now that I have Levi and Jerry of my story has a happy ending.  First and foremost I would like to clarify that I do not have both Levi and Jerry, I simply have Levi and as of this moment I am very happy with him.
Jerry no longer holds any strings to my emotions, even though there are more times than not that I find myself getting angry at the decisions he makes.  However, the decisions and choices he makes has no bearing on my life.  Jerry and I separate both our physical life together as well as our emotional life, we really don't have anything in common anymore and every day that grows deeper.  

I feel that at the moment both of my children are suffering from the next step in my separation from Jerry.  I feel that I have not been a supportive mother to my children in regards to my divorce.  The children just barely found out about the divorce in February and since then have had no real time to understand or go through day to day emotions of losing someone.  I find this very difficult to deal with.  They are still kids and the most important thing to them is playing, but at the same time they are dealing with some pretty hard stuff. 

As a mother I have been very lax trying to make up what I wasn’t able to provide them with, I have a lot of guilt over my divorce in regards to the kids.  Allowing them to get away with things is only making the situation worse.  I fully believe that kids need structure and somewhere in the last two years we have lost all the structure I worked for over the last 8 years.  I am finally finding my way back and coming to an understanding of how much structure, routine and family time positively support kids especially during hard times.  I am also looking into support groups for children of divorced parents to help them with emotional needs I am currently unable to help them with.
Seeing my children go through this, as their dad continually puts them on the back burner is difficult, and this aspect of my life I do not feel happy in.  

As I have learned from this process though I can only do what I can do, I cannot change anyone else or make them feel any certain way,   Levi has been an outstanding man for my children and I greatly appreciate everything he is able to provide us.

I find myself enjoying life more when Levi is around.  I laugh more; I don’t feel as if I have to pretend to be someone I am not.  With Levi, I feel as if I can be myself and that is a quality that I wouldn’t change for anything.  I am not blind, he is not my rebound guy.  I dated enough to know that I have a solid connection with Levi and at this moment I have no future plans with him.  I am completely in Love with him and plan to continue my relationship with him on a day to day basis.  We will see where things lead but I have no plans of rushing into anything.  Right now I am just enjoying his company, laughing with him, and loving the fact that I can learn more about him every day.

1 comment:

  1. You know how, "in the unlikely event the airplane should lose cabin pressure during the flight," you're supposed to put the oxygen mask on yourself first and then help others, like your children? Maybe that's what newly single parents need to do.

    If you're not getting enough emotional oxygen, how can you possibly be the best parent you can be for your children? If you are gasping for air, how can you genuinely be 100% 'present' for anyone else? I don't think you can. And when I say "you" I mean you, me and every other newly single parent.

    My point is that you should give yourself a break. Divorce is one of the most stressful events most people ever experience in life. And when you're responsible for the kids and money is tight and your life has been totally turned upside down and no one is around to support you - how much more stressed out could you possibly be???

    I'm sure you've done the best for your kids, given the circumstances. Now that you've had some time to heal and Levi is there to support you, I'm sure your family will have many more good days in the future than bad ones.

    Will the kids remember this year as the worst of their lives? Probably not. They have plenty of teenage drama ahead and once that hits this year will barely be on their radar. Really, don't beat yourself up. You have many years of super parenting to look forward to. When they really need it, you'll be there to be super mom, all because you took a little time to put your emotional oxygen mask on.