Monday, September 24, 2012
Will I have a happy ending?
Two lives commented on my last post. He asked if it was safe to say, if now that I have Levi and Jerry of my story has a happy ending. First and foremost I would like to clarify that I do not have both Levi and Jerry, I simply have Levi and as of this moment I am very happy with him.
Jerry no longer holds any strings to my emotions, even though there are more times than not that I find myself getting angry at the decisions he makes. However, the decisions and choices he makes has no bearing on my life. Jerry and I separate both our physical life together as well as our emotional life, we really don't have anything in common anymore and every day that grows deeper.
I feel that at the moment both of my children are suffering from the next step in my separation from Jerry. I feel that I have not been a supportive mother to my children in regards to my divorce. The children just barely found out about the divorce in February and since then have had no real time to understand or go through day to day emotions of losing someone. I find this very difficult to deal with. They are still kids and the most important thing to them is playing, but at the same time they are dealing with some pretty hard stuff.
As a mother I have been very lax trying to make up what I wasn’t able to provide them with, I have a lot of guilt over my divorce in regards to the kids. Allowing them to get away with things is only making the situation worse. I fully believe that kids need structure and somewhere in the last two years we have lost all the structure I worked for over the last 8 years. I am finally finding my way back and coming to an understanding of how much structure, routine and family time positively support kids especially during hard times. I am also looking into support groups for children of divorced parents to help them with emotional needs I am currently unable to help them with.
Seeing my children go through this, as their dad continually puts them on the back burner is difficult, and this aspect of my life I do not feel happy in.
As I have learned from this process though I can only do what I can do, I cannot change anyone else or make them feel any certain way, Levi has been an outstanding man for my children and I greatly appreciate everything he is able to provide us.
I find myself enjoying life more when Levi is around. I laugh more; I don’t feel as if I have to pretend to be someone I am not. With Levi, I feel as if I can be myself and that is a quality that I wouldn’t change for anything. I am not blind, he is not my rebound guy. I dated enough to know that I have a solid connection with Levi and at this moment I have no future plans with him. I am completely in Love with him and plan to continue my relationship with him on a day to day basis. We will see where things lead but I have no plans of rushing into anything. Right now I am just enjoying his company, laughing with him, and loving the fact that I can learn more about him every day.
Posted by Michelle at 8:51 PM