Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Nothing New

Everything is the same here.  Jerry did move out and it’s been a month with a few arguments.  I feel like I am in the nesting stage of pregnancy without the child though.  I don’t feel organized, clean or complete.  My life seems in disarray at the moment.  I haven’t quite figured out a schedule or a routine that I follow yet, I am working on this!

Levi and I have changed the house, I love it and for once I feel as if it is truly a home I would want to be in.  We moved the family room from down in the basement to the formal living room upstairs.  It is now a family room where the kids, Levi and I enjoy spending time together watching shows like Face Off, Survivor, even football.  Although Levi doesn't watch as much football as I thought he would, maybe eventually when he is more comfortable with me.  We turned the basement into a game room for the kids and us.  It is equipped with an air hockey table, Foosball table, basketball hoop, karaoke machine, then we have an art room with a projector, eventually a wall painted with chalk paint, and the next room is the toy room full of legos, dolls ect.  I bought Riley a new bunk bed and room décor for the beginning teen age years as well as a place for Levi’s daughter to feel included and comfortable.  It is now their room. 

I am completely in love with Levi and when I am with him I feel like he told me in a letter once, that I am floating on forever.  I appreciate him and all he is.  I couldn't imagine being any happier than I am now with him.  Happy.  What a funny term. 

Happily married.  Are you really happily married?  I wasn't.  I pretended to be, pretended to have a better marriage even when I was told he was gay, I was so upset.  Why?  There are so many things that come to building a marriage and a family, money, work, debt, homes, cars ect.  I was losing it all, losing the only person I really talked to.  Was I happy though?  Knowing now how happy I am when I am with Levi, I wasn't happy I was slowly suffocating.

God it is so nice to be with someone that I can laugh with every day.  Someone who can turn my frown into a smile or an awful day into the best.  We don’t fight and if we do at least it’s not every day, once a week or even once a month.  I am forty pound heavier the heaviest I have ever been and my man still finds me sexy.  I love him so much, and however this ends up I still feel that there is no other ride that I would rather be on, than the one I am on with him.  

Monday, September 24, 2012

Will I have a happy ending?

Two lives commented on my last post.  He asked if it was safe to say, if now that I have Levi and Jerry of my story has a happy ending.  First and foremost I would like to clarify that I do not have both Levi and Jerry, I simply have Levi and as of this moment I am very happy with him.
Jerry no longer holds any strings to my emotions, even though there are more times than not that I find myself getting angry at the decisions he makes.  However, the decisions and choices he makes has no bearing on my life.  Jerry and I separate both our physical life together as well as our emotional life, we really don't have anything in common anymore and every day that grows deeper.  

I feel that at the moment both of my children are suffering from the next step in my separation from Jerry.  I feel that I have not been a supportive mother to my children in regards to my divorce.  The children just barely found out about the divorce in February and since then have had no real time to understand or go through day to day emotions of losing someone.  I find this very difficult to deal with.  They are still kids and the most important thing to them is playing, but at the same time they are dealing with some pretty hard stuff. 

As a mother I have been very lax trying to make up what I wasn’t able to provide them with, I have a lot of guilt over my divorce in regards to the kids.  Allowing them to get away with things is only making the situation worse.  I fully believe that kids need structure and somewhere in the last two years we have lost all the structure I worked for over the last 8 years.  I am finally finding my way back and coming to an understanding of how much structure, routine and family time positively support kids especially during hard times.  I am also looking into support groups for children of divorced parents to help them with emotional needs I am currently unable to help them with.
Seeing my children go through this, as their dad continually puts them on the back burner is difficult, and this aspect of my life I do not feel happy in.  

As I have learned from this process though I can only do what I can do, I cannot change anyone else or make them feel any certain way,   Levi has been an outstanding man for my children and I greatly appreciate everything he is able to provide us.

I find myself enjoying life more when Levi is around.  I laugh more; I don’t feel as if I have to pretend to be someone I am not.  With Levi, I feel as if I can be myself and that is a quality that I wouldn’t change for anything.  I am not blind, he is not my rebound guy.  I dated enough to know that I have a solid connection with Levi and at this moment I have no future plans with him.  I am completely in Love with him and plan to continue my relationship with him on a day to day basis.  We will see where things lead but I have no plans of rushing into anything.  Right now I am just enjoying his company, laughing with him, and loving the fact that I can learn more about him every day.

Friday, September 21, 2012


On the 29th it'll be a year since I have found out that Jerry is gay.  A LOT has changed in the year.  I went from being a damaged wife to a gay man, to a crazy obsessed person, to a person who knew she needed to move on.  Moving on wasn't easy, and I feel for all the wives out there who are going through what I went through.  Some people find it easier than others to move on, it took me a year.  I feel that I am one of the lucky ones, from my understanding this sort of relationship takes anywhere from 2-5 years to deal with.  I am sorry for everyone who is going through what I went through.

I played along for so many years that I had the perfect marriage, the perfect life, with the perfect children, house, dogs and the typical american dream.  I couldn't realize everything all at once it toos days, weeks, even months and everyday I am still realizing what a shit marriage and life I was truly leading.  It was hard to pretend that everything was so perfect.

In the end, the first realization I came to was my husband was indeed gay and my actual marriage wasn't what I thought it was.  That my marriage and everything that we worked for wasn't going to work out the way we arranged and planned it to.  That I deserved more than he could offer me.  That the love i have for him was never the love that a man and woman share in an intimate and deep way, it was a love of a brother or really great friend.  That my children will be just fine.  It doesn't hurt anymore, I am not afraid anymore of everything I thought I was losing, but I am excited for everything that I am gaining, learning and experiencing.

Jerry and I just separated all of our credit cards, and our bank accounts.  He is moving out October 1st.  He is still dating Berkus, although Berkus is still planning on leaving sometime in January for work purposes.  I am still dating Levi, and things are going very well.  I can honestly say that I am in love with him!  I never thought I would be lucky enough to find a guy with everything I wanted and needed in my life, and I did.  We are taking things slow, but they are going fast at the same time.  We spend everyday together and my children absolutely love him.  He is not moving in, he feels it is best for the kids if we wait until there is more of a commitment between us.  I have to agree.

Jerry and I are working on my eldest daughters adoption paperwork.  After that goes through we will start officially working on our divorce papers.  I am ready to close this chapter of my life with Jerry and move toward to the next chapter.  We still communicate as friends but mainly about the children and their progress.  I have no hard feelings and understand that he dd not do this on purpose.


Monday, July 30, 2012


No one can tell you what sexy is because sexy is based solely on perception and everyone’s perception on sexy is different.  All I know is that I don’t feel sexy.  Do you?

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There is one thing that keeps me from feeling sexy and that is my back which contains small amounts of acne and the very few dimples I have on my upper thigh and buttocks.  If I don’t perceive that as being sexy why would anyone else look at me and find me sexy?    

The girl on the left I find super sexy?  Does anyone else though?  Is it just my perception or is she sexy and everyone knows it.

Take for instance take the show Vampire Diaries.
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    The man on the right I do not find sexy.  he is a good looking man but for me he is not sexy.  The man on the left however I find very sexy.  Dark hair, light eyes.  The character he plays in the tv show helps portray the sexiness I find within him.  Dark, mysterious, powerful essentially a bad boy with a kind heart.  

How different are our views when it comes to sexy because I know more women who would prefer the man on the right.  The woman in the middle well, she is pretty but definitely not what I would determine as sexy.

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So in the next picture there is a girl the right side is clear of any acne and the left side has a few acne marks.  To me it is obvious which one is sexy.  Clear skin is always sexier then skin with acne.  I would hope that everyone would agree with me on this.  So the question remains how can someone find someone who has acne sexy if we would all vote for the lady with clear skin?  Is sexy just simply a physical component or does sexy also involve our personalities and do the physical components that make us not sexy get overlooked because of our personalities? 

I think our personalities have to be the key factor in determining our sexiness!  Does love really make us blind to flaws?  Do you see the flaws in your partner?  Is it a bothersome part in finding them sexy?  Do you simply overlook the flaws?  Why is that we all have insecurities and flaws and yet people still find us attractive and sometimes yes even sexy?  Is it all lies to coat our sensitive ego?  

Learning Curve

So I am dating this really great guy, yes the same guy, the first guy I started e-mailing through a dating site when I found out the news.  Anyways, things are going well.  I am constantly learning from him.  Some of the things I learn is just simply for good conversation, some, most I can apply to my life though to become a better person.  He is wonderful with my children and seeing him with them makes me realize how important they are.  Watching him, reminds me that I need to take time out and not worry so much about a clean house, or all the others things I need to get done because the most important thing I should be doing is spending quality play time with my children.  Every day, he teaches me how to be a better parent and I am so appreciative and thankful to him for that. 

I have also learned through him, that what I thought I wanted in the next man I married if I married at all isn’t at all what I want or need.  I thought I wanted and needed flowers, and cards and romance so that I would feel and know I was appreciated and loved.  It’s in my blog somewhere, about not settling for less.  Well, the truth is all that stuff isn’t really important.  Not that I wouldn’t like it or want it, the gesture and the thought put into still shows what everyone desires to be appreciated and thought of, but it is just not an important aspect in a relationship. 

I am not sure yet if he is the romantic type to do those things yet or not.  He did send me a card though, which was very thoughtful.  The truth is, I would much rather be appreciated and admired on a daily basis through words and looks then to be admired every once in a while through things. 
I am so glad I am here in this spot.  I really like him, more than I should for the timing.  Okay, let’s be truthful I’ve already thrown out the L-bomb, which I totally meant, even though it was on accident the first time.  I’ve only said that word to one other person and that was Jerry.  I take it very seriously and I know all about the rules.  I have double whammy against at this point.  First, is hasn’t even been six months yet since we have seriously dated and second I’m not quite technically divorced yet, I am working on that though. 

He didn’t say it back, which doesn’t surprise me.  We have had conversations about it and how wrong it is to say too soon.  Well, at one point in time I agreed.  In fact I laughed and joked about people saying that too soon, like how could you possibly know.  Well, I don’t know maybe it’s the chemicals in my brain over reacting, maybe it’s just getting out of a not so great relationship, but at the same time aren't people smart enough just to know that.  Regardless if my timings off, regardless is he stays with me or leaves me, I feel that way.  I felt that way for a while, so much so sometimes that it reminds of bubble that keeps getting fuller with that emotion, and I feel as though I’m going to burst if I keep in.  I don’t say it often but I sometimes just want to shout it, I love you! 

I guess if I had to answer why I feel that way I would say it’s because even if this doesn’t work out, which again going with statistics is highly unlikely, I want the very best for him.  I feel that way because I have never felt like being so open with someone and sharing so much of me, the good and the bad, I have never felt so comfortable around anyone, and I have never felt so, unexplainably attracted to someone.  I want to add happiness to his life, and do things for him.  He does a lot for himself and sometimes it is really hard, because I feel so guilty.  It could be as simply as him getting his own water, but I just want to do it for him and when I don’t I feel like I am not treating him the way he should be treated.  I know, I know, I know!!!  I don’t need a comment on this one.

Sometimes, I feel as though I am letting myself get too deep with him.  I feel as though at times I walking a dangerous line with my emotions, sometimes I feel like I am close to drowning.  How is possible to like someone so much, when I hardly know them.  I guess when it comes down to it, it is a choice.  I am choosing to cross the line, and get involved with my emotions, in the end if my heart gets broken, it was worth every second I got to spend with him, because every second I spend with him right now I feel happy, and grateful, and I feel good about myself, and  through him I becoming a better person, so I ask myself how is any of that a negative?

Anyways, that is how I am doing.  My kids are great as well, and they really like him.  I do have to remind them though that relationships between adults can end at any time for any reason.  I am okay with my heart getting broken; I am not okay for kids to be affected if something goes wrong.  God, I worry about this my kids are my everything.  

Thursday, May 31, 2012


I’m closing out this blog.  A woman in love to a gay man is no longer.  It has been quite a journey and it’s far from over so I will be starting a new blog, to segment the new chapter in my life.  If you would like to follow my new blog you can view it at
To end this blog all I can say is people change.  People change.   I remember when this all started and Jerry would say to me, you are my best friend I couldn’t imagine my life without you.  When I move out I will live a block away from you so I can be with the kids as much as I desire.  I want you to call me on skype every day before we go to bed so we can talk about our day.  I believed his words with all my heart at one point in this. 

People on this blog said it’ll never work, you are not friends!  You are an ex-wife.  I didn’t understand what they were trying to tell me.  I understand it now.  We were best friends a long time ago, then slowly we lost the best friendship we had and he became my husband.  After one becomes a significant party to you and you share a life and kids together, you can’t go backwards in time and share a best friendship again.  People change and so do their relationships.

Jerry still lives here and I am patiently waiting for the day he moves out.  I am ready to start a new life without him.  He doesn’t call me, let alone does he skype me.  He doesn’t involve me in his life, other than a few words at the dinner table, and he certainly could give a shit about living close to the kids and I.  He’s on a completely different journey, and most days I feel like he has completely walked away from us emotionally. 

I have accepted this, even though it has been a very slow acceptance.  I become less tolerant, more demanding and a stronger person with every step.

For all that have offered support through this time, thank you!


Wednesday, May 9, 2012

A New Day: A New Beginning: Life after divorce

Life is really good.  I haven’t been writing on my blog, and they changed everything around.  I have no idea how to really use this thing anymore.  I need to write more or at least look at it more often and get used to it again. 

So, what’s really going on in my life???  Well, do you remember the guy that I started talking to shortly after Steven came out, the guy I went on my first date with, the guy I didn’t want to see again, the guy whom I saw again and took me to that Zac Brown concert.  Well, we took our relationship to the sexual level a couple of months ago.  He broke up with twice, because he’s CRAZY about not getting serious.  Well, after dating a few in between him and I, during our break-ups, I decided I didn’t want to date!  I didn’t like these guys and it took too much time to date people, when I already had a guy I liked in front of me!  Yes, he is scared of marriage, yes he has chickened out of seeing me more than once, and yes I have that power over guys to get what I want! 

I wrote him a letter explaining that we didn’t have to be serious; for goodness sake I am STILL married.  He totally came around and we have been seeing each other nonstop for a couple of months taking it very slowly, probably slower than a snail’s pace.  Anyways, he finally met my kids three days ago.  I thought I liked him before……

He’s attractive, something very deep and sincere in his eyes, I don’t know what but it’s like I can feel and see everything when I look at him.  He is strong, he is intelligent, he knows a little bit about a lot of everything.  He is funny, and I laugh all the time when I am with him, very important feature for me, Laughing!!!  He is a wonderful father or at least he says he is, and I really believe him!!!  He is sexy as he rides a Harley, he likes to be outdoors another positive!  He is super nice and very caring and sweet to me.  Yes, he is that guy that when I have no make-up on, hairs a wreck from a good  nights sleep, and I am bloated from my period leans over and says, your beautiful when you just wake up!  SWEET DICKENS, I don’t think I have ever heard that as I look like a monster in the mornings.  Great line, totally don’t believe him, but I will take the compliment any day of the week!!!  He holds my hand in public, kisses romantically in public, dances with me when we are alone, draws, and now that he has met my kids does things with and for them as well!  Can we say practically perfect!!!!  Still moving at a snails pace though people, I am not looking for anything serious.

We are simply friends with benefits, although technically he is my boyfriend, just without that specific title.  Titles don’t matter just like a piece of paper didn’t matter.  As long as he treats me right and we have fun, I could stay like this with him.  He is great with my kids which is my number one priority!  He plays soccer in the backyard with them, he plays golf with them in the front yard, draws pictures of me while they do their homework, helps me cook and clean up, and talks to the kids about their interest, which is more than I have been doing.  He is helping me right now to rediscover the mom I used to be before all this went down.  I like it, I like being a mom and a wife.  I know this.  I’m glad that this guy is here right now, he was meant for me in this situation, he was meant to help me remember what a great mom is, and how much fun it is to be a family with someone.  One day I will marry again, and maybe even have a few more kids!

Today he took me hiking and I totally love hiking!!  Then he suggested that we pick my kids up after school and take them for ice cream.  A say what????.....  Way cool!!!

Jerry, surprised me with flowers for mother’s day today.  It was a very thoughtful and sweet gesture.  I really appreciated it!!

I am moving on, and forward and there is life after divorce.  A life I can see that is better than being married to a gay husband.  It is nice to be looked at, admired and appreciated as a woman!!!!  It is nice to not have to stretch myself, it is nice to not have to constantly try or worry about weight.  I am happy, and today and for the last two weeks, I am very glad that Jerry came out, that we are divorcing, there really is so much more to life than what Jerry provided for me.  The sex, the appreciation, the caressing, the simple everyday gestures most wives receive.  It’s nice and in the end it is worth the pain of leaving to know that there is something more fulfilling out there.

I don’t regret it.  I like who I am and couldn’t have become that without Jerry!    

Sunday, May 6, 2012

Introducing Myself to the New Me.

I haven’t written in a long time.  I didn’t know exactly what to write.  As time progresses through this process I have realized a couple of things.  I am who I am!  I am not defective, I don’t need to change.  The truth is I like who I am!  I liked being a wife, a caretaker.  I like being a mother.  I like staying home with my children or doing activities with them.  One day I would love to have more children if my body permits and of course if I find the right person.  I didn’t think I would want to marry again, I mean I really think about it how do I trust marrying someone, how do I trust someone other than myself again?
The truth is you just do!  Friends make mistakes, people make mistakes and somehow you just learn to forgive and move forward.  To not move forward, to hold on to the instincts of not trusting anyone again would be a tragedy for anyone!  I don’t want to love the rest of my alone; I want to love someone, to provide for them the way I know how.  The only difference is this time I want that love and admiration returned!

I want to feel beautiful, and appreciated, respected and considered.  I don’t want to have to beg to have sex, or to have my hand held in public.  I don’t want to have to fish for compliments, and I don’t want to fight or argue over stupid things. 

I never realized it before, or even remotely understood it, but I now have a glimpse of why it occurs.  Why do people who are being verbally or physically abused stay with their abuser?  I know why!  It’s because they love them, and they will do anything to provide for them what it is they need.  It’s because people make excuses for their abuser!  It only happens because…..rough childhood, mother or father died, stress at work, insecurities there are a number of excuses out there, if you truly believe the reasoning you never really see the abuse.  You don’t see it because you’re so worried about their feelings, their love and affection for you and somewhere along the way you lose yourself in it, you may even start to think less of yourself or start to change who you are to meet their needs.  The only way one can truly survive an abusive relationship is by recognizing that they as a person are worth more!  They are worth more than they are receiving, that they are beautiful, courageous and strong, that it isn’t their fault.

I’m not saying I was abused…I’ll am saying is I understand it now.  I wrote a nasty blog about Steven long ago, all of it was true, I deleted it though because he hated it.  Anyways, we no longer really friends we talk and communicate about work, kids and financials, this relationship is working well for us now.  Yesterday, he was home and I was cooking and doing things in the kitchen.  I had three full bags of trash by the door.  I told him, “Our trash can is full, I will take it over to our neighbors in a minute.”   He went out and I asked if he could move the Green Trash out to the curb so I wouldn’t have to.  He was gone for a minute.  He came in and two seconds later he took the three bags of trash, he was literally gone for two seconds.  To give him credit, in a disapproving, irritated voice I asked, “You didn’t just leave those on the patio did you?”  He responded, “I placed them where I wanted them to go.”  I responded aggravated, “You know you can’t just leave those on the back patio, the dogs will get to them and leave trash laying around the yard.”  It started a fight…

Looking at this fight, I realized for the first time all of our fights were like this.  Somehow this whole situation became my fault, for assuming, he wasn’t wrong at all, and I am the one to apologize.  Sorry, but, this was not my fault it was his!  He could have simply responded, I made room in the trash and threw them away.  It would have ended there. 

I don’t know if we will survive this as friends, and I am realizing that it is okay.  I am me and I know who that is.  He is him and he has no idea who he is.  I know now that I don’t need to change who I am because of him.  I like me, I like that I care for people!      

Sunday, April 15, 2012


So I am still having a hard time.  People grow a part, I know this we all know this.  Divorce is hard on everyone, not just the people who divorce because of sexual orientation.  When we marry we each give up part of ourselves and sometimes even all of ourselves so we can combine as one.  We alter our lives so much that in a sense we start to forget who we really are.  Our ideals change, philosophy on life, we essentially mold to the person we marry.  For me, I didn’t know who I was or even who I wanted to be.  I didn’t know what I enjoyed doing, or even what makes ME happy.  It was easy to conform and give up my happiness and create a new happiness because I didn’t know or understand what my passions were when I married. 
Maybe that’s why the divorce rate is so high in America, because we all search for that happiness, and we believe in the movies that tell us that being happy, and ultimate happiness is only found in that one person you feel like you are supposes to be with for the rest of your life.  It’s so false it is just the surface of the movie.  Most people are raised believing that happiness only comes when one meets the right person and creates a life with him or her and have kids a house, a money making career.  Most Americans get married young before we as people can understand ourselves, our wants needs and our own desires.  I did anyway.  Now that I am getting divorced, I don’t know where to start in finding my own happiness.  I have relied on someone else for so long to provide that happiness, that contentment for me.  I relied on delving all of myself into this person and into my kids so that I wouldn’t have to go searching for my own personal happiness.  I wouldn’t have to figure out what makes me happy as an individual.  I defined myself as a wife and a mother as a best friend.  I stopped being the confused Michelle that I was and just became what was easier.
The way I feel isn’t Jerry’s fault, I know this.  People don’t make you happy, only you can make yourself happy.  Jerry gave up his happiness for ten years, Jerry has always known who he is, and what makes him happy and he gave it all up for me and our family.  Some people say that he was a coward, a liar, that he used me, that his dishonesty with me was the ultimate betrayal.  Was it though?  How could anyone think like that?  I mean how courageous is it knowing who you really are, and knowing what would really make you happy and giving that up so you could appear to be “normal” as society thinks.  Everything in life happens for a reason I still believe this.  If I hadn’t chosen to get pregnant at 19, to fill the void of unhappiness I felt, Jerry and I would have never married.
I would be a single mom, probably white trash.  The daughter I had wouldn’t know what it was like to have a stay at home mom, I would have probably never had a son, and I know indefinitely I wouldn’t have married I would have dated losers because I didn’t expect much from myself then.  I expect more from me now!  Jerry and I married for a reason, he is gay for a reason.  He chose to hide that for a reason.  Whether he was afraid of coming out, or because he chose to give up to be the father to my daughter, I find his choices courageous.  
I on the other hand like the easy way.  I like to put everything into box, and not deal with it.  Well, I have to deal with it, after 16 years of putting it away and onto a shelf, it’s finally time to deal with it.  What in this life makes, me, Michelle, happy?  I don’t know, but I am trying to figuring it out and for some reason I don’t think it’s going to happen overnight.  One step at a time I guess.
I’m still struggling with my place in Jerry’s life.  It doesn’t feel natural or normal for me yet.  I feel left out!  For those of you reading don’t try and define my relationship with Jerry, or tell me that I am just the ex-wife.  That is Jerry’s decision and his alone.  The fact is I feel everyday more and more like the ex-wife.  Which is fine, but I get confused.  Are we friends or do you want me to be just the ex-wife.  Sometimes I don’t know.  It’s like he comes home and we share lots and lots of information about his life, and some about mine.  Then he calls me all the time, at least once during work and then usually after work and sometimes on his way home.  Most Fridays we hang out, do lunch, look at homes or cars.  It’s fun and I like hanging out with him, but at the same time it’s also VERY different.  Most times I feel I am just a have to, not a want to.  I feel like I am the person he sees only because Berkus is busy or there is no one else to hang out with.  That is a shitty feeling!!!  Sometimes I would just like to know that we really are friends, that he wants to hang out with me because it is a want to.  Sometimes it would be nice to know that he is choosing to hang out with me, but the truth is the minute he has an opportunity to ditch me, he does and it’s usually in lightning speed.  It hurts my feelings.
The truth is, instead of being mad at Jerry, or feeling unwanted, I just need to simply let him go completely.  I just need to realize that it is not as simply as I would like it to be!  It’s not just about being just the ex-wife or just a friend, but the reality is I am simply the ex-wife/friend I don’t know if that label will ever change to being just a friend.  As much as I would like it to, I don’t know that it is possible.
Instead of feeling hurt or sad because Jerry would much rather hang out with anyone but me, I need to accept the fact that the friendship we had before marriage is over, the friendship we had during our marriage is over, and I am now just the baggage that he carries.  I’m the ex-wife/friend, the person he calls to talk to, to get advice from, to avoid his boredom.  I need to accept our new friendship for what it is now, and not what I hoped it to be.  I need to accept that he is moving on, and I again I need to let him.  I need to stop holding on to him so hard.  I need to stop relying on him to hang out with me.  I need to stop thinking that possibly one day he will want to hang out with me like he used to. 
I need to let go, and learn to accept him for his new self, and our relationship for what it is and not what I want or desire it to be.  I need to learn to be happy without him.  I need to learn how to hang out by myself and make myself happy.  What is it that I want to do.  Sitting at home and hoping that Jerry will come home and want to hang out with me isn’t the ideal answer and isn’t working.  Wanting to spend time with Jerry right now, is very one sided, I want to and he doesn’t.  I need to be okay with that, because if I am not I will never allow myself to find the happiness I deserve without him.
Maybe one day we can be the friends he talked about, maybe one day I will become the friend he talked about when he first came out.  The friend he wanted to call before he went to bed, or the friend who wanted to come over for dinner, or the friend that wanted to go on a vacation together.  All I know is I have to stop REYLING on that because right now that isn’t the friend he wants, needs or desires.  Right now, I am just someone that is comfortable to him.  I’ll learn to be here as the friend he needs right now, and somehow I will let go of the idea of being the friend we discussed at one point during this process.
How do I make myself happy.  Learning to not RELY on Jerry is one way!  I know I don’t like dating, it makes me NOT happy at ALL!  I do know that I like doing crafts.  I would like to decorate my room and make it shabby chic, now instead of talking about it I just need to do it.  So here goes my first step in finding happiness.  Creating a shabby chic room.  Wish me luck!!!  It’s going to be a lot of work I fear!  I don’t have much moola to spend so I am going to refurbish old furniture. 

Monday, April 9, 2012


Okay, so another talk.  Jack Scott left a comment that said I was needy and un-happy.  I appreciate his insight!  I don’t agree with it, but none the less I appreciate it.  What I did decide from his comment is that, I am a woman, everything about me screams CARETAKER!   Not just for Jerry, for EVERYONE!!!  Maybe that is the reason I want to be a teacher because it is the ultimate caretaker role.  I have an inevitable need to make people’s lives easier, better to encourage them to be the greatness that they imagine themselves to be.  It is just who I am.  If a neighbor or a friend says I would really like this, and I go shopping and I happen to come across it, I buy it because they mentioned that they wanted it.  If someone says I am having trouble with this, guess what I do, I try to help them. 
So naturally I do things for Jerry, that resemble a wife’s role.  That isn’t it though.  If he didn’t have time to do laundry I would opt to do it for him, if he decides to go out when I am home doing laundry then I don’t do for him.  To me that is a choice, he is choosing to go out when he could do laundry.  However, if he was gone all weekend, I would do his laundry because he was too busy to do it and it’s nice to have clean clothes in the beginning of a work week.  I know it doesn’t make sense.  My conclusion is this not all people think like me!  Jerry is one of those friends I have in my life who doesn’t think like me. 
Thinking on all my friends though, most of them do think like me!  If I were to mention something they would offer to help or pick it up for me.  My friends will stop by with bakes goods to just to say I am thinking about, and I do the same. 
So I guess what it comes down to is I am just confused on the relationship I want with Jerry.  What is it he can provide for me as a friend and only as a friend?  How do I separate our friend relationship from the husband role he used to play?  Is it inevitable that I will always just be his ex?  I don’t know, I am confused and I certainly don’t have the answers.
The lesson I need to learn.  STOP putting people in boxes and categorizing them.  Just let the relationship be a grow as it is supposed to.  How does one do that though?  I mean I know my friend Kristen is a GREAT friend, but I don’t feel certain information about my life now, so I don’t share it with her.  My friend Angela is a way better friend in the sharing of information area, she can handle it and I don’t feel as though she is judging me.  So again I am placing them in boxes, by how I think they will react.  I also know that all the friends I have made here, are just that friends for the minute or as long as we remain neighbors.  If one of us were to move the friend relationship would end.  So while I consider some of them my best friends now, I still keep them emotionally at the acquaintance level in a friendship.  I believe I know exactly how much of a friendship will be provided from them.  Again boxes.
So my problem with Jerry I don’t exactly know what box to place him in and it is driving me completely crazy!!!  JUST LET IT GO MICHELLE!!!!
On that note I subbed today as playground and resource assistant and I totally loved it.  I have homework tomorrow.  I am hoping to complete 6-8 papers by Friday night!  Other than that life is going okay. 
I texted my mother, saying she could call me.  First step I guess.  Riley knows the Easter bunny, Santa, and the Tooth Fairy are Jerry and I.  She was sad but relieved to know the truth as all of her friends were talking about it at school today.  She said she wouldn’t tell Kennet until he reached fourth grade.  She said he should know so he doesn’t get made fun of.  Thank goodness Riley knows when not to argue her beliefs!!  She let them talk and didn’t interject, and then she came home and said, this is what is being said I would like to know the truth.  My daughter is wise beyond her age!!  I really appreciate her for who she is.         

Sunday, April 8, 2012

I Will Always be the EX

I am having a hard day.  Our couple counselor said the tears would come again, especially because I have a talent of shoving everything into box.  He said the box can only handle so much, so the tears will start to come.  You will let a little out at a time, only because the box can’t handle holding anymore stuff.  Eventually you need to go through box and get rid of it all.  Right now, it’s easier to block it out, and to put a pretty smile on and act like everything is great and move forward.  Hide my problems with the façade of dating and trying to have fun.

I realized I wasn’t really dealing with my emotions the other day.  Doug stopped seeing me.  I think he liked me too much, and I am not ready to settle down and not date someone if they ask.  On that note, I started seeing someone else, I met through a friend.  He’s a little young.  26, but he is so gorgeous!  Every Gay man’s dream if you’re into boyish looks.  Brownish, blond hair beautiful, bright blue eyes, a killer smile, and a rock hard body.  P90X seriously works, OMG.  He is super nice to boot a fantastic kisser.  I will continue dating him, I won’t tell him I am not dating others because I don’t want to get serious still, but the fact is I really need to focus on me. 

I need to monitor my eating patterns, my water intake and work out.  I have been doing school and I am doing well, at catching up.  I still have a lot to catch up on but I am pretty sure I can get it done!
For the last month Jerry and I have gotten along great, the last week for me has been hard though.  I know women say don’t blame it on that time of the month, but I know some of my issues is because it’s that time of month.  Not to say that I don’t normally feel this way, it’s just more intense right now.  Jerry, I think is struggling to be my friend or the friend that I need him to be.  I need him to buy me flowers and say thanks for all you do.  I appreciate you!  Or chocolates, because he knows it’s that time of the month, or invite me out to ice cream because I am sad.  Ice cream cheers everyone up!  Or just do something thoughtful for me because I do a lot for him, because I am the mother of his children, because I am his best friend. 

He says he can’t because it feels as if I am still holding him to the standard of being romantic, dating or husband like stuff.  You know fuck that!!!  He never did that stuff as a husband and when we weren’t even dating he did that stuff.  I want it because it is a sign of appreciation for ME!  I can handle most of our conversations about Berkus or whoever.  But it really affects me when he tells me certain things.  For instance, he bought Berkus’s friend flowers because it was her Birthday.  When is the last time he bought me anything for my birthday.  Umm… right after Aidan was born he bought me pajama’s from Victoria Secrets.  He did scavenger hunt for Berkus, yet he doesn’t consider me that way.  He talks all the time of buying my neighbor Flowers or Chocolates, because she is going through a hard time, or just because.  What ABOUT me. 
Oh, forgive me he does think about me, he helped me clean the kitchen because his kids made a mess.  He swept the floor because his kids and their friends dragged grass through the house, he cleaned the coffee pot, because I drink a lot of coffee and he thought it would be nice.  He weeded the yard because it would be helpful to me.  He took out the trash, and offered to wash my jeans.  He left me the pack of cigarettes so I wouldn’t have to run to the store.  I mean all of that stuff shows me thought and appreciation. He did it for me.  No, not because it is stuff that needs to be done anyways but because he was thinking of me.  Whatever!!!!  I feel that that stuff needs to be done, do I appreciate his help yes bt I fucking list a million things that I do like that on a daily basis, maybe I should just start saying it’s all for him.

I swept and mopped, cleaned the kitchen, and microwave, dusted and clean bathrooms because I thought it would be nice for him.  I do more than that for him, the thought for me is there.  I make three times the amount dinner and pack it away for his lunches, I try to ensure he always has something readily available for lunch.  I try to ensure he always has his power bars available.  He says, I would really like a new Gym bag, the one I have now is too small for my overnights, so what do I do?  I go out and look for a gym bag that looks exactly like the one he has, because he loves, but bigger and buy it for him for Easter.  He says I would really like some sunglasses, so what I do I look at Kohls for glasses, knowing how picky he is about glasses I didn’t buy any but the thought and consideration for him as a friend was there.  He comes home pissed off one day, what I do I volunteer to take him to ice cream, because again it cheers everyone up.  Being sarcastic here(I have done all of these considerate things for him because I am trying to date him, treat him as my husband, and be romantic with him.  No I didn’t do these things, because that is simply what a thoughtful friend does.  No I have hidden motives and alternatives like me treating him nicely is going to make him ungay!)

I am retreating back to my old patterns, because I don’t know how else to handle my feelings of being unappreciated as his friend.  I feel he should show me some sort of appreciation more so than his boyfriend, his friend or our neighbor or his work people because I have done more for him than anyone else, because I am his best friend and it would be nice to know that I am appreciated!  So I am going back to ignoring him for a while.  He says it’s too hard to know the boundaries.  I mean if I do these things it makes me feel like I am being romantic with you.  So forget it, he wants to still look at me as a wife or ex-wife and not a friend than I need to act like an ex-wife and not a friend. 

So, my solution to my problem, STOP treating him like a friend.  Treat him like the ex-husband just like he treats me as the ex-wife.  No more calls to bullshit, no helping him solve problems or issues, no personal talk.  Talk about the kids, and leave it at that.  Maybe if I start treating him as the ex-husband instead of as a friend he will realize what a friend I really am.  I don’t know what else to do, but I really am tired of feeling this way, always the ex-wife and not important any longer since we are divorced.  Divorce will be final in five to six weeks.

Oh and another shitty friend thing he did, he brought up that Berkus’s birthday is the 25 of May, mines the 28th.  Berkus wants to celebrate his birthday in a big way, go to Lake Powell or rent a cabin.  Jerry asked me, how do I tell Berkus that I can’t go?  Seriously asshole, you’re asking me this?  You know my birthday is important, and you’re asking me this.  Great fucking guilt trip, you couldn’t have said to him, I can’t make it because Michelle’s birthday is that same weekend and it is very important to her, so I need to celebrate it with her, or you couldn’t have told me, Michelle I know how important your birthday is, but something’s going on Memorial Day Weekend that I would like to go to, can we celebrate your birthday the week before or after?  I fucking hate my Brithday, because no one’s ever here for it!!!!  SUCK a DICK!

Saturday, March 24, 2012


This blog has been so helpful, in figuring things out.  The blog as an outlet has been great!  I’m in such a wonderful place in my life right now.  I owe a huge Thanks to all my readers who have kicked me in ass, supported me, and have given me great advice and a future to look forward too.  To Jim who is still best friends with his ex, a wonderful father who I feel has a similar deep love with his ex that Jerry and I share!  To T, Jims boyfriend who has been very concerned about my physical and mental well-being, pushing me to find myself and to take care of myself.  To Jack Scott who has given me a lot to think about and has walked me through this in baby steps.  To Iris who has been my friend my confidant and who has been the woman outlet that I desperately needed through this hardship.  Her feelings have been very similar to mine and she understood how I felt and what I was going through.  JF Break, your concern, advice and positive outlook has helped me immensely!  Buddy Bear, your blog has been the fresh and fun that helped me realize how important it was for Jerry to do what he is doing!  Two lives and your very intriguing articles, Moho Hawaii your encouragement in just knowing you have been through the same.  There are many more people I want to thank but I won’t list you all here.  I just want you all to know I appreciate everything you have brought to my life, and I really don’t think I would have been able to survive this without you all.  Thank you for sharing your lives with me through your own blogs, thank you for your advice, your concern.  Even though I don’t know any of you personally I feel very connected to you all.  Thank you!!!!   

Thursday, March 22, 2012


I haven’t written in forever, or so it feels!  I finally found myself!  I am finally meeting my needs and fulfilling my interests in life.  I sort of stopped writing because, well…  Life is full of twists and turns and writing about Jerry’s life was one thing, writing about my life and my own excursions and mistakes is another. 

Like I have been saying though, this is my journal of sorts.  So I here I go!  For those of you who read my blog about the club you already know that wasn’t really my thing!  So I needed to reevaluate my needs and I am in the process of figuring me out.  I have been doing lots of fun things and really enjoying being single.

I am unfortunately having issues though.  To refresh, I met a guy online when I was living in AZ.  We hit it off through e-mail.  When I moved down here went out, and then we went out a couple weeks later, and then we didn’t go out again.  First of all, I’m totally not used to guys not paying me a lot of attention.  Well, he doesn’t.  I’m the first to text, e-mail ect…  So lets back up just a little bit.  I have been on dates with other guys, guys who keep texting and calling and want more.  No matter how rude and mean I am to them they keep coming back for more.  Take the guy I met at the club, yes he found me on my group and e-mailed me.  Totally not interested, and I don’t know if I could have been any clearer!!!

So fast forward, guy I’m interested in e-mails me he wants nothing to do with me, it’s the wrong time, ect, ect.  I being me ignore the e-mail, a couple weeks go by, my neighbor Nicki decides to invite me over for a party, I get drunk and decide to call, yes the guy who isn’t interested.  He comes, I mean seriously what straight guy wouldn’t, especially because I am pretty cute girl!

So we have a lot of fun.  I see him a couple more times throughout the week.  Keep in mind I’m still the one to initiate first contact each and every time.  The truth is I can’t get this guy out of my head.  He’s becoming an addiction and not in a good way.  So while our personal thing hasn’t been more than a week, I started liking him from our e-mail contact. 

Getting to my point…..

I have never been an emotional person, and I have never let anyone besides Jerry get under my skin.  While I am really enjoying myself with him, I feel that I should end things.  Why????  Well, I like him so much!

I’m not ready to be serious with anyone, let alone put myself in a position where I let my emotions run away from me.  I don’t know that I can control my feelings when it comes to him.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not there yet, but I can totally feel and see myself getting there.  Another fact, I’m pretty sure he’s a player.  Yes, one of those guys who knows exactly the right thing to say and do.  Fact is it’s because there is only one thing they want, and it’s the opposite of dick, I won’t say the word to spare all of my gay readers.  So I guess here’s my question….

Do I continue having fun and let my emotions get the best of me eventually or do I stop everything and look in a different direction????

For those of you who want to know how Jerry is doing, it’s off limits to talk about but he is doing fantastic.  I can only imagine it is similar to ONE STEP at a time.  He is still Jerry, funny as ever and cocky, and well my best friend.  So for all of you who were rooting for Jerry he is doing great and has never been happier.  For those of you rooting for me, I was never passionately in love with Jerry and I thought that would be enough.  The guy I am chasing after now has helped me to realize how important life is with a little bit of passion.  I forgot what it feels like to be appreciated as the beautiful woman I am.  For those of you who were rooting for Jerry and I, well our marriage won’t work, we all already knew that.  Conversation between us is very open, I know everything that goes on as he does.  We have come to respect each other and appreciate one another for who we both are.

My mother and I still haven’t talked.  I do talk to Jerry’s family on a regular basis.  I believe in fate and in destiny there’s a reason for everything and in the end I know I am better off for it.

PS..  I have started school again!!!!!!    

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Still trucking along

So I am starting to get back on track.  I actually finished a paper for school.  I am substituting once a week.  I have made plans for fun things to do with the kids on my weekends.  I am going out tonight to a friend’s home to watch Vampire Diaries and Secret Circle, tomorrow I am babysitting, and also letting my children have a sleep over, Saturday I am going to the library to try and catch up on homework.  If I can get at least two papers done that would be great!  I have plans with a friend on Sunday and I am planning on going country dancing with an old friend from work on Wednesday. 
I have been holding the tears back, some day’s it feels as if they are going to burst out.  I know my counselors say to let them out but I just don’t want to.  The truth is I am not over this.  I am still madly in love with my husband.  I wish it were easier.  He started dating Berkus again.  My feelings have nothing to do with Berkus, but my own self.  Jerry is like a drug to me.  I want to be around him and I want to do everything with him.  When he is just hanging out with friends he has a lot of time for me, when one adds a relationship into the mix, he has less time for me.  I realized I am still relying on him and his friendship, when he chooses to stay out all night I feel lonely.  I have decided that I need to figure out how to move forward.
I only know of one way to do it, and it has only been a day but it is very challenging for me.  I want to talk to him, and text him and hang out with him.  I told him yesterday I could no longer do that.  I needed time and space.  So he will only text me concerning the kids, and he will only let me know if he will be out of the house all day on his weekends off.  I am no longer concerned with his work schedule, when or when he will not be home otherwise.  We will do a family dinner for the kids every Wednesday, and then we will switch off every other weekend. 
I plan on being gone when he’s here and hanging out with friends, which I still don’t really have any.  So I am assuming most of my days will be filled with going to the library.  I am going to try and quit smoking. 
I love him so much and I find myself still wanting him, to be with him.  I honestly don’t think I will ever not feel this way about him.  I don’t know that he and I will ever be friends.  It is hard to communicate now.  He has his life which is completely separate from my life.  As the days pass we have less and less to talk about.  I am tired of hearing about all the fun things he is doing, while I get to stay home and watch the kids.  I am tired of hearing stories about people I don’t know.  I feel our friendship is dissolving, I don’t feel it will ever be as strong or as close as we once were as friends.  I feel that this separation is more than just a husband and wife separation, but a separation of our friendship as well.  I don’t think either one of us can deny the fact we are allowing ourselves to grow apart.  This will all end one day.  The best friend and husband I once knew will become a distant stranger. 

Monday, March 12, 2012

Old Problems Cycling Around Again?????
Writing has been difficult lately.  I am still not talking to my mother, and she reads this blog and so do others.  Writing when you know certain people are reading makes it challenging.  I won’t monitor what I write.  So I have been making great progress in moving forward.  I went out this weekend both nights plus still spent a great deal of time with my children.  Going out to the club and watching my neighbors drink isn’t something I am really interested in.  Although I do really love my neighbor she is wicked cool and way fun to hang out with.
After talking with Jerry today and being jealous of all the fun activities that he gets to do, I decided that it is time I get out and do activities too, I just don’t want to do them alone.  I thought I needed to make friends but I don’t like people.  So I decided why do I need to make friends in an unnatural way?  I have kids who love to go out and do things and who are very well behaved.  I am taking them to see Jack and the Bean Stalk Ballet tomorrow.  My daughter loves Beethoven, so I am taking them in April for a concert.  There is a rodeo on Friday and Chariot racing on Saturday.  Then there is horse racing and also plays, and skiing and festivals.  So I am going to plan something every weekend I have them.  I am also going to go skydiving.
As for Jerry he broke up with Berkus and has been going out with friends and having a great time, his priorities have been focused on creating a friendship and developing a stronger relationship with his children.  Well Thursday night he got back together with Berkus, and since then I have been somewhat irritated at his choices three times.  Saturday I was irritated because he pushed what we had planned back to spend time with Berkus.  When it occurred I wasn’t irritated, I was tired and 1:00pm worked better for me than 11:00pm anyways.  Then yesterday I talked to him in the afternoon on his way to work and he said he was very tired.  I would be too if I were him, he was out till 3:00am every morning since Thursday waking up earlier and sleeping over at friend’s houses.  I offered to stay up until he got off of work so I could talk to him on his long drive home.  He said he would appreciate that.  So I stayed up and guess who didn’t call me but called Berkus?  Yep, Jerry.  I was pissed, I could have gone to bed at nine.  He explained it away as a communication error on his part.  I find myself having trouble trusting him, especially after what happened last time he started dating Berkus.  Tonight I find it happening again, his priorities are being skewed again.  So guess who isn’t coming home after work but going to Berkus’s house.  Another late night he probably won’t be home until three, and then he has work tomorrow.  I fear his work is being affected by his choices.  Either way it’s not really my business, I just need to get my school done, and be prepared with a plan if he should get fired for lack of performance.  Keep in mind I don’t know what his performance is like at work, but I fear his priorities with work and gay life aren’t straight.
I was originally okay with him dating Berkus again.  I felt like the last three weeks have been good and his priorities were straight.  I think I was wrong.  In fact, I know I was wrong.  He is too addicted to Berkus.  His priorities will become skewed again, he can’t help himself when it comes to Berkus.  I’m irritated at his choices, not mad but irritated that he can’t hold strong to what he says, when he dates Berkus.
I can’t do this again with Berkus, it was too hard last time to try and work on a relationship while he was dating.  He is isn’t thoughtful, he doesn’t hold strong to his priorities or values when it comes to him.  He said he would only see Berkus on Thursdays, and Sundays each week and on the weekends during his weekends.  He said this to me last night and look where he is now?  I don’t trust him after last time, I won’t put myself to be in the position and feel like I did the last time he dated Berkus.
This was my last straw in trusting him.  I will no longer put myself in a place to feel like I did when he was seeing him before.  I need to focus on school.  I have saying this for a while now, but I really feel I am ready.  Tomorrow I have counseling again, and then afterwards I will be going to the library.  At night I think I am going to go Line dancing.  It sounds like a lot of fun.  Then Thursday after the kids go to bed I am going to my neighbors to watch Vampire Diaries and the Secret Circle.  If Jerry is home Friday I will have watch the kids during the day so I can go to the library and study for school. 
I also plan to be busy with the kids all day Saturday and Sunday doing fun things.  I think I might take them sledding one day.  I need to check it out.  Anyways I can’t worry about Jerry and working on our relationship as friends I feel that while he is dating Berkus it’s pointless.  I am moving forward with Jerry with supreme caution.

As for my mother, I am still not talking to her.  I don’t feel the need to.  She was wrong.  She is nasty mean with her words, there is no excuse for the way she treats people sometimes.  I think I am going to change my phone number.  Do some house cleaning so to say.
About moving forward, I have been cooking again.  I made Chicken tortilla soup from scratch, yummy banana cake, and today my other neighbor came over and we made freezer jam. 

Monday, March 5, 2012

No Complaints

I’m still so behind in school.  I really need to get my head back into it.  I am lying to everyone about it.  I can’t seem to focus on it quite yet.  All I can say is I am getting there.  I told Jerry that was behind, I don’t know if he knows how far behind I really am.  I still graduate May 2013.  I need to complete at least 3 of my 5 classes this semester. It will put me ahead for graduating in May.
I look at my schoolwork.  Nothing seems to click though.  I have some good news.  As I am trying to get my life back on track, I completed unpacking my son’s room and my daughter’s room I even hung their pictures up.  I unpacked the living room today completed with all the wall décor as well.  I don’t have much else to unpack.  The basement is messy and things are out of place still.  I will get to that throughout the week; have it completed by Sunday so that I can clean.  The unfinished part of the basement that’s another subject, I should just through it all away.

Jerry and I are back on track.  We have been getting along very well.  Hung out a little this morning, I needed to help him do some things with the refinancing of our home.  He came home from work around 9:00pm and we stayed up and chatted off and on in my living room for about an hour.  He really like the way I set up all the furniture and wall hangings.  It actually feels like a living room now with all the junk out of the boxes.
It is really nice to joke with him again!  We both laugh and it’s not fake or forced.  He is waiting for me to blow again.  I don’t think I will.  I really feel as though everything is okay.  He talks about his gay friends and his gay life.  I have no bad feelings about it.  He tells me that he was hit on at the club, no hard or uncomfortable feelings again.  He also hasn’t discussed any relationship outside of friends.  I know I don’t want to know about it though.  I can handle the jokes about it!  I was oinking at him, because he was hungry when he got home from work but he ate like three dinners at work.  He was scratching his head flipping me off.  I asked him, “Do you have lice?”  He responded, “Maybe, I probably caught it from the dude’s house I went to before I came home.  His place was pretty disgusting, but he gave a damn good blow job!”  LOL, I had no witty response!

Kennet has been sneaking in with me during the middle of the night.  He is having bad dreams.  It’s nice now that I have a king size bed.  I still get a good night’s sleep!  Riley hasn’t slept with me once; she is in love with having her own room again.  I am glad she likes it!  Kids are both doing very well right now. 
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I am going to make jam over at a friend’s house tomorrow.  Should be fun.  I used to be into cooking.  I like experimenting, trying new foods and copying restaurant foods that I find delicious.  I do a pretty good job.  Most people love my food.  I am going to start cooking again.  Tomorrow will be the start.  First with homemade jam, then cookies followed this weekend with orange, cranberry, almond scones,  and  then we shall see what food comes in to experiment with.  For anyone with financial issues there is an organization called bountiful baskets which provides a laundry basket full of fruits and vegetables for only $15, $25 for organic.  They also provide bread, nuts and many different items.  It’s a weekly or bi-weekly thing depending upon the state and city you live in.  I used to do this, but stopped when we moved.  I’m going to start doing it again though.