Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Visit with the Doc

A lot has happened….

Monday, December 20, 2012:  I finally got up the courage to see my Primary Care Physician today.  He is an older doctor in his late 60’s, Catholic.  I told him that I was coming in because I felt like I was very sick from stress and that I had lost over twenty pounds, I was developing a rash, and a cough I was afraid was going to turn into pneumonia. 
When the doctor came into see me he asked, “Why do you think you are stressed?”

My reply, “My shoulders hurt, my body hurts to the touch, I can’t eat, sleep, and I cry at least an hour a day and most nights I wake two or three times because I am crying in my sleep.  I found out my husband was gay three months ago. And I am moving in three days.”  The doctor didn’t flinch or freak out which is what I was expecting, I have heard horror stories and have been avoiding going to the doctor.
He listened to my chest, and said no worries about pneumonia.  The cough isn’t good but is probably just prolonged because of the stress.  He is very concerned about my weight loss, and some of my feminine problems.  He wrote notes down and said I needed to see a doctor as soon as I arrived in Utah for a full blood work.  I told him that I just couldn’t stop crying as I cried in his office.  He handed me tissues. 

I told him I felt like my heart was breaking, and it hurts so bad.  Physically it is consistently racing, beating so hard.  It becomes hard to breathe.  I told him I was scared, because I have become so weak, that I can hardly lift anything.  My body hurts most days to the touch, especially my shoulder.  His reply was this:  “When the heart dies, the soul follows.  Depression is a very real thing, people don’t die from heart break, but they do die from depression, and stress related illnesses.  He thought I should go on Zoloft but felt like my new primary care physician should prescribe it so that he can monitor it since I will be moving.  I don’t believe in taking medicines like this, this will be hard for me if I choose to go this route.

The doctor told me I needed to find out why I hold my stress in, why am I the way I am?  He said, “Everything leads back to childhood”.  He wrote a note that says I need to continue seeing a counselor, I needed to read this book, “How we Love”, and said I should take (Zanax) to help with the way my heart feels.  He says it’s for anxiety, and that’s what I am feeling.
He said it’s normal to cry, and I may continue to cry for months.  He gave me a bunch of paperwork with notes for my new doctor.  I hate going to the doctor.  I do feel I need to get healthy again, so I will go, and take suggestions.  I think it really is, just something I need to go through.  I will read the book he suggested, as soon as I get back to Utah. 

I hate that I feel like I am not in control of my emotions.  I am glad for my doctor, his acceptance and his help!  I should have gone sooner.
I hope I stumble upon a Great Doctor in Utah, a counselor who can help me.  I am planning again on attending a women’s life circle, which my doctor seemed pleased about.  He also said I should plan on running a marathon anytime soon.  It’s an addiction to erase my feelings.  Deal with my feelings and then proceed to run a marathon.
Add me to the list of crazies, I think I might be here for a while.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

ONE LAST POST..........

I just read my last post Turbulent Emotions……
The feelings were true!  But those feelings I have, aren't telling the story accurately between Jerry and I.  How many posts have I done this with?  Emotions, they sure do play head games with you!!!!
I couldn’t end the year with that as my last post on where Jerry and I stand.  FLAKEY, I KNOW!!!!!

Funny how, life can change so drastically from one minute to another when you’re figuring out how to live your life in a marriage where one person has same sex attractions.
I read Jim’s blog Conflicting Clarity, and it sounds just like my life, so much so that often times I relate his life to how my life will end up as well.  This isn’t reality though!!!  Jim’s life is not my life.  Kay is not me, and Jerry is not Jim.  While it feels and sounds familiar, it doesn’t mean that our life will follow the same road as Jim’s.  Jim, I love you and your blog and am sincerely happy for the new lives you and K have created with T and AJ.  I am glad that K has found her love, and you yours.  I wish nothing but the best for you.  I am still not quite through reading the entire blog……

Fact is, I love Jerry and there is a whole lot I will give up for Jerry so that he can be happy.  The only thing I will not accept is what I feel would be mistreatment of me or my feelings.  I am not desperate or pathetic, I can live happy in this world alone.  UNDERSTAND THIS, DO NOT DOUBT IT:  Jerry, is the love of my life, no one will ever be more important than he is to me.We have talked many times and what Jerry says is confusing and directly impacts my emotions.  I will stop this today, as I am confident in our decision to move forward! 

Here are a few of Jerry’s statements:
“I want to find that True Love, that person that makes you float.”
“I don’t believe in the love you have for me Michelle, I don’t know that it is possible to love someone the way you say you love me.”
“When we go and buy that Daybreak home in Utah in two years.”
“Maybe when we get back to Utah, I will be satisfied with just friends.”
“I am excited about finding a relationship with another man.”

Do you see where my confusion and emotions come into play, and this is just a minute of our 500 hour talk time so far.   My point is, Jerry and I have made a FIRM decision.
Jerry and I will commit to each other for one year.  During this year we will work on our friendship, communication and most importantly ourselves.  We will make an effort to ensure each others needs and wants are being met in our relationship, we will put each other second to ourselves.  We will define our relationship as being divorced, (we are not divorcing), we will be Best Friends that live together, who want to share a life together. 

The reason for the definition is to make life easier for all those who will not understand this.  We live in a Mormon Community, and do not want our kids affected.  It’s bad enough Jerry’s gay, but to add in our plural lifestyle could be disastrous for our children.  This also allows for Jerry to let our families know that he is gay, again it will be hard enough to tell his LDS family he is gay, but to try and explain that we still love each other and are opening the marriage could quite possibly be too much for them to handle. 
I also feel that this is true!  Jerry and I are best friends.  We love each other and “Right Now” have decided to live our life together.  It shouldn’t matter to anyone that we still have sex, nor is it anyone’s business.  He will be free to date without judgment from his family, or our neighbors.  We won’t have to hide. 

After a year we will discuss what step we will take next.  Our next step will be based on the self discoveries we have made throughout the year as well as the "new" relationship we have created and how it is working.  We could potentially stay together forever, keep following and we’ll find out what my Ever After looks like.

I trust Jerry 100% with his words.  I trust him 90% with his actions.  Is Jerry putting my feelings first or is he allowing himself to put me aside to fulfill his other needs.  Actions speak louder than words and sometimes I feel he puts me aside.  This has been untrue, and if he has it was very much just  anormal thing, even a “straight guy” would do.  I am working on trusting his actions!  I am working on knowing how I feel and discussing it with Jerry. 
EXAMPLE:  Jerry and I have discussed going on a multi-day hike with one another for three years.  He brought up a multi-day hike with Random.  If Jerry took a multi-day hike with Random, instead of me, my feelings would be hurt becuase I am interested in doing this, we have talked about this and this would hurt my feelings even if I were just a friend.  If Jerry decided to do this with Random, Jerry wouldn;t be taking my feelings into consideration or putting me first.
However, I like snowboarding.  Jerry also talked to Random about flying up and staying in a resort to go snowboarding.  Jerry and I have never done this.  We have talked about doing this with family but never just us.  I would really like to stay in a resort on the mountain, that would be awsome, however, my feelings wouldn't be hurt becuase we never talked about doing it, and Jerry loves it mor ethan I do.  
The reason for my example is just to show, how I am thinking.  I do not want to be first for everything, nor does he need to "give up" things he wants becuase of my feelings.  We both need to understand what feelings of ours are IMPORTANT to one another and what feelings are not as pertinent.  Coming to a counseling appointment for me is IMPORTANT, Jerry needs to go if he is putting me second.  Going out to dinner with friends is importnat to me, but Jerry's want to go out to Chili's with Random would be more important than a dinner I can reschedule.  I hope you understand, my point.  Compromise I guess????? 
Jerry and I are staying together, we are very happy and excited for the New Year.  We are on the same page, we plan to continue flipping the pages together as we continue reading our lives.  Sometimes I read faster than Jerry because I skip the unimportant words, and sometimes Jerry reads faster than I, but we promised not to turn the page until the other finishes.

Words I want to get out of my vocabulary:

Never, Always, Should, My Husband

Never:  Well, unfortunately this a possibility it could happen
Definition of never:  Not ever, at no time
Always:  There is a possibility that it might not happen
Definition of Always:  At every time, on every occasion
Should:  Is like shitting on yourself, or so I have been told recently.
Definition of Should:  must, ought, expectancy

Why Should someone do something?  You shouldn’t have to should.  This is hard to say but I want to do something, or I don’t want to, I would like to make someone’s day, I have desire to participate in donating food items.  SHOULD :  I don’t have to do anything that doesn’t feel like something I want, or need to do.

My Husband:  A word that defines ownership, a sense of belonging to.  Jerry doesn’t belong to me, and I do not belong to Jerry, we do not belong to each other.
Definition of husband:  A married man in relation to his wife.  A prudent manager.
Jerry is not my manager.

Definition of wife:  A woman married to her husband.  WHAT!!!  According to the definition I am nothing more than a woman married to her manager?????

Maya Angelou:
Dr. Maya Angelou, is one of the of most renowned influential voices of our time.  I have to admit I have never heard of her before Jerry and I’s situation came about.  I have to admit, that as I read more about her, as I see segments regarding her successes in life she has become an inspiration to me.

I find her words hold a lot of value, in life, especially to me right now.

“I don't know if I continue, even today, always liking myself. But what I learned to do many years ago was to forgive myself. It is very important for every human being to forgive herself or himself because if you live, you will make mistakes- it is inevitable. But once you do and you see the mistake, then you forgive yourself and say, 'Well, if I'd known better I'd have done better,' that's all. So you say to people who you think you may have injured, 'I'm sorry,' and then you say to yourself, 'I'm sorry.' If we all hold on to the mistake, we can't see our own glory in the mirror because we have the mistake between our faces and the mirror; we can't see what we're capable of being. You can ask forgiveness of others, but in the end the real forgiveness is in one's own self. I think that young men and women are so caught by the way they see themselves. Now mind you. When a larger society sees them as unattractive, as threats, as too black or too white or too poor or too fat or too thin or too sexual or too asexual, that's rough. But you can overcome that. The real difficulty is to overcome how you think about yourself. If we don't have that we never grow, we never learn, and sure as hell we should never teach.”
Maya Angelou


Jerry finally received his firm job offer letter today! He will officially start his "new" job January 1, 2010. He doesn’t really start until January3, 2012, but they were kind enough to start him the first so that he will get paid for the Holiday.

We have much to do between now and Christmas to get ready for the move. We are planning on leaving our apartment on the 23rd of December. We will spend Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with our families, and then head up to Utah the 26th. The drive from here is about 15 hours, and yes we are cheap and are going to move ourselves, AGAIN.......

We have secured a month-to-month apartment in Utah, yes it's another two bedroom, boo........ We will then have to move again in March back to the home we own as soon as our renters leave.

We are truly blessed. Jerry has been working diligently in trying to secure this job for the last five years, I am so proud of him! He has finally made it!!!

As for Jerry and I, after three months of dealing with struggles we are now on the same page. We will stay fully committed to each other for one year. I can put fears, my concerns to rest as Jerry searches for the missing piece of the puzzle. Jerry and I have decided that now is the time we can put this part of our relationship on the back burner. Through lots of communicating, patience, and disagreements we fully understand what each other wants. We are doing, "Great". My blog will most likely change a lot after the "New Year", as Jerry and I venture out to learn and define "Who we really are.".

I/We appreciate all of the support and questions we have received since I started this blog. Thank you to everyone who reads and thinks about us, I appreciate it.

I won't be writing on the blog until the "New Year".

I wish everyone a beautiful Christmas, and Joyous New Year.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

A Straight Wife’s Turbulent Emotions
That time of the month maybe..................... WAY EMOTIONAL!!! 
My last few post have been written with blind eyes. 
My eyes are open and I can see.

Holy Shnikies, Jerry’s GAY!  He’s really gay.

 Jerry didn’t love me the way a person loves one they want to commit to.  I don’t think loving me like that will ever be possible.  How did it take me so long to realize this?
He confirmed it today, with his words.  He didn’t intentionally confirm it, but for the first time I understand it.   I see it, I mean I really see it.  I can’t deny this any longer.  I may not be right when I say this, but I see this and feel this, Jerry knows he doesn’t love me that way and that he never will.  The truth is I will never be enough for Jerry.  Jerry, says he wants to work on poly relationship, I think he says this more out of fear.  Jerry knows. 

It’s knowing I will never fulfill Jerry’s needs, he will always desire more than what I could offer.  I have already given him everything I have, I have nothing more, if he didn’t love me then, why would he all of a sudden love me that way now, when I have nothing left.  I see this, with Random.  The thoughtless want and thought of texting him a good morning.  The good morning text I received wasn’t thoughtless; it was, I should text Michelle.  Jerry does a lot of should’s for me, I can’t imagine how exhausting that must be for him.  I’m tired of should, I just wanted a thoughtless effort.  I feel this thoughtless effort totally comes into play for Random, his kind actions are very thoughtless, effortless, it’s that feeling of simple wanting to.    

I know that Jerry and I are supposed to be honest with each other, I think he holds back, I feel he holds his true emotions back from me, because he fears my reaction, whether it’s angry, sad, fearful, happy.  Fact is we will live a poly lifestyle for a year, but not because we want to work on staying married, but because we need to work on staying friends. 

Resentment sometimes is hard to shake.  While I forgive Jerry for acts in our marriage he was unable to provide, at this moment I can’t forgive him for the way he feels.  I know this is not his choice, he can’t control this.  I am strong woman, I can handle almost anything!  I can handle physical pain, I am very confident in most areas of my life (people tell me all the time, I wish I could be as confident as you are), I can handle being homeless, I can handle losing all of my possessions, death of people comes naturally to me, a few tears, I never really cry.  Now I can't stop I crying.  This sucks.  I can’t handle emotional pain, I have avoided this my entire life!  I know this because I could walk away from my entire family, the ones who raised me without a tear, a feeling of sorrow. (forgive me, mom.  I do love you) 
I have never felt so emotionally damaged as I do right now.  I just hope I can get through this.  I hate this.  I am sure people who read this think how flakey, she changes her mind every two minutes.  It’s really not like that. 

I see what I want, It’s a dream I know.  I don’t want to admit what I just said.  I know its true.  Admitting it to me, means I have failed.  I didn’t work hard enough, I wasn’t good enough, and I am not worth it.  So I try so hard to keep Jerry and I together because I am not a failure, I don’t mind hard work, and I am good enough, and I am totally worth it.  So what do I do, accept something, or change it? 
My relationship with Jerry isn’t like other people, through this process of him talking to Random, I have realized the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, isn’t envy or jealousy it’s pure fear.  Fear of Jerry leaving, Fear of thinking about Random, ways in which proves I am not that important in Jerry’s life.  He will one day be Jim.  He will some day see me and the only thoughts that will run through his head is, I really miss Random, I can’t wait to be with him.  Jim wrote this in one of his posts, I am not sure which one.  I know that Jerry will feel this way too.    

I know I am not Jealous of Random, because when Random stopped texting Jerry for a minute after he found out Jerry was married, I felt so horrible for Jerry.  This was really hard for me.  I wanted Random to text to Jerry.  If I was jealous I would have been exciting because that would mean no more texting for hours a day, more time with me, but I didn’t feel that way.  I was genuinely hurt.  For the record Random and Jerry are still texting.

Jerry:   “You mean just work on our friendship.”
Me:  “No, work on our friendship, and define a new marriage for “us””.
Jerry:  “I thought we were just working on becoming friends again.”
Friends without Committment, NO!!! 
How much clearer do I need to be??????

There is nothing I can do so that he will LOVE me.  I see this now, I understand this now.  Everything I was missing in our marriage, when it comes to him, he is also missing.  I have been selfish when I feel it, the way Jerry feels it, I understand it.  It doesn’t make it hurt any less on my end, but I understand it. 

That’s it for now, I am glad that Jerry unintentionally shared with me how he felt.  Maybe one day I will share my deep dark secrets with all of you, but for now I keep it light hearted.  LOL……………………………….

Monday, December 12, 2011

Emotions: Jerry and I finding our "Special" Friends

Anything that’s human is mentionable, and anything that is mentionable can be more manageable. When we can talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting, and less scary. The people we trust with that important talk can help us know that we are not alone.” 

                -Fred Rogers

 I think sometimes in the blog, I think I make it sound emotionally easier than it really is.  I have shared Jerry with you, my past with you, I think it’s time to share my thoughts of me with you of who I think I am.

My name is Michelle and I am 5’7 118 lbs.  I have many nicknames the one used most often was Phoebe, because I look like Phoebe off of friends.  My hair now is brown, I have green eyes.  I am slender, and could totally have hot bod if I spent a few days in the gym regularly.  I am bright, most things come very natural to me, I definitely have streets smarts.  I financially savvy, I am excellent when it comes to numbers.  I am funny at times.  I would really like to get those sayings right! 

You know what I am talking about, “Not the brightest, tool in the shed”……  Damn it……  I did again!  I mean, “Not the sharpest tool in the shed.” 

I can never get those right, I feel like I look so *blond* when I say those sayings wrong.  HELLO,….  That’s totally me!  I don’t laugh often, because when I was younger I laughed so hard that someone made fun of me.  I haven’t really laughed since.  I love scary, horror movies.  I usually cut myself with a knife when cooking.  I am surprised that I still have all of my fingers to be honest with you.  I try to tell my honest opinion when asked, if I don’t think someone’s going to like it, I warn them before hand.  I don’t always say the right things, in fact most times, I say things I shouldn’t and it usually hurts feelings and causes drama.  I hate drama though, if your mad or upset at me for any reason there is no reason to tell a 100 other people, what are “they” really going to do for?  If I have a problem with someone I usually confront it, I don’t always do this with Jerry though.  I am working on it though.

I believe in God there is definitely a higher power.  My higher power loves and accepts everyone.  He created everyone.  I believe we all came down from heaven with a couple of different options on how we live our life.  If we follow our life plan, the one we wanted to the our soul at the end of this journey will move forward into the afterlife.  If we don’t then we get to back to earth to re-live our life plan until we get it just right.  Ghosts are totally real.  They communicate through us through electronics and our dreams.  Good and Evil also exists.  I don’t what I believe in when it comes to good and evil.   Aliens, also exists space according to scientists is infinite so I feel it’s selfish to think that we are all alone here in this world.  Witch craft is very real (I don’t practice it but I believe it exists.)  I wish vampires were real and this was way before Twilight, try Interview With The Vampire. 

I love my children.  My daughter is an old soul and carries too much wisdom for her age.  She is bright, intelligent, charismatic, and caring.  She genuinely feels for others and doesn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, but she will not be walked over either.  She is very accepting and understands too much for her age.  I feel like she came to me to teach me, teach me how to be more loving, and kinder to people.  To accept each person as an individual and appreciate their unique qualities.  She loves to learn.  She is a rule follower.  She loves to be encouraged and listened to.  She needs to know that she matters and her thoughts are valid.  I love her very much and she holds a special place in my heart.

I also love my son very much.  He is funny, and stubborn.  He is also intelligent but would rather play and have fun than study.  He is a rule follower.  To be honest, I don’t think I would be okay right now without him.  He is attentive to my needs and my feelings.  He is sweet.  Every morning he comes in and wakes me up with a kiss and a hug.  Often times throughout the day he tells me how I am special, and beautiful, pretty and how I am the best mommy ever.  He appreciates me and all of my qualities.  He also does this for his father and sister.  I love him and he holds a special place in my heart.

I really don’t know what I enjoy doing, because I haven’t done anything in so long.  Hopefully, I will be able to figure this out.  I am going to enroll in a belly dancing class, yoga classes, and a woman’s life coaching class “Who Are You?”, as soon as we move back to the city we came from. 

By the way Jerry got a call and HR said he would start his new job January 1.  We still haven’t received the offer letter, and nothing is ever 100%.  I look forward to moving though.

I know that other people struggle every day, my heart and prayers go out to them.  I wish all of you who are struggling with something peace and resolution.  This blog is about me and my struggles, so hear I go, it’s time to share my true thoughts on us…………………

As stated previously I give him two years to figure this out.  Jerry has confirmed he would like to “work” on our relationship, as long as it is poly.  I am okay with this, and very excited that he is willing to work on it, and most importantly it is not just my thoughts on this.  We both know that this may not work out, but I feel if we “play our cards right”, all will be well for us. 

I cried so much this weekend, because this is hard, my right eye swelled shut, and stayed shut for hours.  I used a cold rag to help the swelling go down.  Remember the post GUT FEELING, I still have it, and I am doing my best to feel it but also burry it while we figure this out.  I told Jerry I felt that while I hear his words of wanting to put in effort to make our relationship work, he still has one foot out the door.  I also feel that the pressures of living a poly lifestyle might be too much to handle.  It might be….

He said that he loved me, and that my feeling was right.  I still get confused by his feelings, I don’t understand them.  When he came out, he offered to sweep it under the wrong.  I would never accept this because we all need to live life as we truly are.  I never thought for a minute he would want to separate.  I mean for the last nine years our marriage has been fun.  We have had far more GREAT times than we have bad times.  We genuinely like each other and like hanging out together.  I mean Jerry and I have done EVERYTHING together for the last nine years.  I’ll be the first to admit that maybe we rely on each other too much.  We have given up our own interests to please (maybe that’s not the right word) one another.  My question is if he gave me the option to sweep it under the rug and continue our marriage the way it was but maybe more open, why wouldn’t he know now?  Why would my pushing him to explore, change his views on staying with me?????  Hum………………..I just don’t understand it.  I do think we can enhance our relationship, by enhancing our friendship and I hope in the end Jerry chooses my friendship.  I know how I would want this to work out but sometimes we don’t get what we want.  I know that I probably won’t know this for a while. 

 I feel as though what I want is a dream, you can see it, you can feel it in your heart, but at the end of day you wake up and realize it was all just a dream.

For now, I really hope Jerry finds a special friend who can also accept me.  I want him to be happy.  On that note he told Random today that he was married.  Random is still talking to Jerry, but is taken back by it all.  I hope that Random see’s how great Jerry is and continues what they started!
I also told my “friend”, I don’t have a name for him yet.  That Jerry and I have decided to maintain a sexual relationship and work on our marriage in a Poly sense.  I would appreciate it if we could still get to know each other better.  He didn’t really care poly or not.  He knows that while I am looking for something on more of a serious level, I was never looking for love.

I do believe that you can love multiple people.  I love Jerry, he is my friend, he and I get along REALLY well.  We always have, I hope we always will.  Jerry doesn’t like to do things that I like to do, and I don’t like to do something’s that Jerry likes to do.  We will now be able to find “other” people to do these things with.  Hopefully this works.

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Alternative Marriage: Mixed Orientation Marriage: Polyamorous Marriage and trying to make it work

I have been thinking about my relationship with Jerry all wrong.  I thought I wanted to be Jerry’s wife, I mean I married the guy didn’t I?  If you’re new to this blog, you need to know that I married Jerry because he was my best friend, and I loved him, and I didn’t want to lose him as my friend.  Thinking about my life with Jerry before disclosure, I lost him as my best friend because I became his wife.

I took on the societal role of what a wife was.  A wife was one who bears children, cooks, cleans, and caters to her husband, or so I thought.  I became a wife that nags, controls, and for some reason always wanted more.  I became a wife that didn’t share her feelings when I was upset, but held them in for an uproar later.  I stopped appreciating Jerry for the qualities that I loved about him, and our friendship somehow became second. Jerry was my husband and I was his wife, and that is how we lived.  I guess you can say the pressures of being newly married, starting a career, having children and just the pressures of everyday life.  For some reason, I knew Jerry wasn’t happy.  I didn’t know why, I tried repeatedly to MAKE him happy and this never worked.  It became a struggle and a frustration for me.
I just re-read a letter I wrote a year or two ago.  I asked him in the letter……. “Is it things that will make you satisfied, a bigger house, a boat, a BMW, a pool, the top of the line career? What is it that you really want? What will make you satisfied with your life and feel that your goals in life have been met. I know that the place in our life isn’t your fault; I know that it is mine and I will do anything to make things right if it is not too late. I hate feeling so complete with my life when you feel so incomplete with yours, I am sorry.”  I felt regret for his unhappiness.  Maybe I could have been a better wife, or improved as his friend, or maybe I should of………??????  It wasn’t me.  It was him and the secret he kept?  If you can’t appreciate yourself, you won’t let others fully appreciate you either. 

Society added even greater pressures to the term marriage.  Society defines marriage as being limited to one man, one woman, 2.5 kids, a house, dogs, luxury cars and flat screen tv’s.  Husbands work, wives join the PTA.  While I admit that Jerry and I’s relationship was by no means “perfect”,  to others we both led the “perfect” life, the “perfect” marriage, the “perfect” house, the “perfect” kids, the “perfect” dogs, the “perfect” job, he had the “perfect” wife, and I had the “perfect” husband.  My post The Unconventional American Dream explains the point I am trying to make if you don’t grasp the idea, so far.

I will be the first to admit, I have not been the perfect wife, friend, mother or neighbor.  I have made plenty of mistakes, and I while I know I tried I am sure I didn’t meet Jerry’s some of Jerry’s needs as well.  (He’s Gay how could???)LOL….thank God, he doesn’t dwell on how I haven’t met his needs.  It gets old and there is quite simply nothing I can do to change the past.  I can’t speak for Jerry, lately I have realized I don’t know Jerry, like I thought I did.

While Jerry has been a great husband, friend, father there were aspects and needs in my life that I thought I desired and maybe still do.  At the time, even now when I think of my needs, desires back then, (maybe still today???), Jerry was either unwilling or unable to provide those for me, but it affected me, it still affects me today, I am unsure why.  These needs or alleged needs, I don’t think are that important.  They are few, and my Jessica scoffs at me and says, “Michelle, I just don’t understand why that is so important to you?”  I can’t answer that I just desire it.  As the saying goes, let’s see if I get this right…….I want it so bad I can taste it, I can see it, and I can smell it, but I just can’t have it.

Then there are issues of a smaller scale, a text in the morning, dirty texts, or e-mails, and I am sure many more things will come up as Jerry continues his exploration that one point in our marriage I asked and never received. 

(Break-Let Me Vent For A Minute…. I read a book, it said that the words straight and gay should not be used in a MOM household.  Things don’t happen because you are straight or you are gay, they happen because of who we are as people not our sexual orientation.  I believe this statement true.  Debatable, Absolutely and not something I am going to debate.)

My thoughts and Feelings:  Jerry didn’t provide the things I asked for because he was afraid, unwilling, not open minded, or maybe not able to emotionally, whatever the reason I firmly believe it had nothing to do with him being gay (maybe the emotions that came from hiding this), because most of things were not even sexual in nature.  The point is Jerry didn’t provide those few pleasures for me, part of me holds resentment.  I was supposed to be his friend, as his friend why wouldn’t the needs I clearly expressed to him for years, matter enough for him to meet them?  I still get hurt by his past inactions, seeing him interact with Random brings these feelings that I have shoved deep down inside, back to the surface.  My question to myself is, how do I handle this???

Well, I am going to try and handle it this way, and I pray that what I say here and now works for me.  I believe in what I am saying.  Jerry was a different person nine years ago; I have seen him change throughout the years in many good ways.  For whatever his reason……………………………………………he wasn’t able to meet a few small, (but to me at the time, and maybe even now), IMPORTANT needs of mine.  I can do nothing to change the past, Jerry can do nothing to change the past.  What’s done is done, and I need to move forward if our “new” relationship is going to work. 

REALIZATION:  Jerry’s going to do things with other people that I wanted him to do with me.  I need to be okay with this.  He was “F.I.N.E”, and he has his reasons………………..for not meeting insignificant but important needs of mine.  Jerry isn’t the same person he was three months ago, s why would I hold something against him that happened before that?  I know that in the last three months he has put so much effort into our relationship and he does show me that he loves me and he cares for me, and that my feeling and needs are important to him.

Jerry, I forgive you for things that happened in the past.  I appreciate you today, and I appreciate the ways you show me your care thank you.

I knew there was a reason I never wanted to marry!  When I married not only did I gain a husband, but I also gained expectations and lost part of my friend.  Think about it, realistically, that piece of paper only entitles me to tax benefits.  I can pay $350 and lose the tax benefit in 30 days flat.  SO I ask you what exactly is that piece of paper?..........From what I read that paper usually gets torn up in what is it now?....50% of marriages.

The fact is I married Jerry because I didn’t want to lose his friendship.  Well, our marriage is broken now.  I can try and fix it, but when you try and fix something it usually breaks again.  I would rather throw it away and start with something new.  New will be stronger, it will last longer, and I can buy something that I enjoy more.  Well, I know enjoyed Jerry’s friendship before we got married, I enjoyed him as a husband, but I still liked our friendship without all the expectations better.  I personally feel that we lost some of our friendship through our marriage and I want that friendship back without the expectations, that our marriage created.  I want to be Jerry’s friend, his best friend and of course, one he loves.  The truth is I much rather be committed to Jerry as friend than be married to him as a wife.  Commitment is not a little gold ring or a piece of paper or a fancy promise.  It comes from within and that’s all that matters. 

Goodbye Jerry my husband, hello friend.

Neil Lane Bridal® 14K White Gold ½ Carat t.w. Diamond Band
Hello:  Nice to meet you my names Michelle I would really like to get to you better.
P.S Jerry, It says that commitment doesn’t come from a little gold ring, so can I have a BIG, PLANTINUM, DIAMOND RING when you choose to recommit to me?

Friday, December 9, 2011

Love and Jealousy Don't Mix

A lot has happened over the last couple of days.  I think I should share…..
Jerry met a friend online Monday, they talked about four hours.  I was extremely furious!  I yelled at Jerry when he was done.  I thought he was being a rude, inconsiderate butt.  Totally, not the words I used.  He took it graciously; calmed me down and we talked.  In the end I realized I was the inconsiderate butt.  I slept only two hours that night, I felt awful for my rash unjustifiable actions.  Thinking about it now I almost lost everything I have been working for.  I wrote Jerry an apology letter, which was the most sincere apology that I have ever given. 

Tuesday, we talked about it on the way into town.  He said, You give me permission to explore and then when I do, you yell at me.  This makes me feel like you are giving me a negative connotation, for what I am doing.  It doesn't make me want to continue sharing, and exploring with you as my wife."  He also said he could understand my feelings regarding the situation. 
My feelings:  I don’t mind that Jerry is exploring.  I mind that he didn’t think about my feelings.  He doesn’t usually stay up past his bedtime, because he works out at the gym.  Well, not only did he not go to bed when he normally does but he stayed up 2 hours later and missed the gym.  He hasn't done that for me, I was jealous! I was 100% wrong with the way I approached and handled the situation. 

He chatted with the guy again later that night.  I was tired with only having two hours of sleep.  He said he would be off by nine.  Nine came and went.  At nine thirty I was exhausted and told Jerry it was time to get off.  He took another 5 or 10 minutes.  I was annoyed.  I let Jerry know immediately, in a very nice way.  I told him that if he wasn’t going to need privacy he should have continued his chat in the living room, so that I could go to sleep.  (We live in a two bedroom apt. right now, there really is no room for privacy in the tiny apt., we also have two kids who can walk out at any given time.  Our bedroom is one of the only places, Jerry could get privacy, but it also happens to be the place I sleep.)  He understood that he was being inconsiderate and apologized.
 Wednesday:  Here is where my post will get long.  A lot happened!

I woke up to a text from Jerry.  “Good morning, it’s 24 degrees outside so bundle up.”  This was like a first for him.  He really doesn’t text me stuff like that.  I, on the other hand text Jerry, “Good morning.  I hope your workout went well today, I hope you have an excellent day, see you later.”, almost every morning.  It made me feel happy that Jerry was thinking of me in this way, for once.  I feel cared about when he does little things like that for me, which in my eyes is usually few and far between.
Later that day, I was curious about the e-mails he exchanged with the online guy, so I opened up his e-mail to read them.  I have permission from Jerry to do this whenever I want to.  I was surprised to find an e-mail to the guy at 5:33 am saying, “Good morning, I hope you have a fantastic day.”  WHAT!!!!

So he only texted me this morning because he felt guilty for texting this random when I do this for him almost every morning!  It really almost defeated the nicety of his text for me.  I don’t want a guilty text.
I continued reading through the e-mail to find out that they have exchanged phone numbers and he is now texting the guy while at work, and he set up plans to chat with him again tonight. The green eyed monster hit me again!  He rarely texts me when he is at work and sometimes he doesn’t even respond.  OMG, I am finding myself getting more and more upset.  I decide that it might be time to set up some boundaries, and talk about expectations.  I don’t want to feel this way. 

I texted Jerry, I need to know if you are willing to work on a Polyamory relationship me?  I need to know if you are going to put a 100% effort into making this work. 

Jerry texted:  In the Poly sense, Yes.

I researched Polyamory relationships and how to work them.  I found a great article, the 12 pillars of Polyamory.  I cut out all the insignificant parts to make it a more smooth and interesting read for Jerry when he got home.  I texted Jerry, we really need to talk after work will that be okay?  He responded yes.  I also was concerned with how much time he was spending talking, and chatting with this random so I posted my concerns on my support groups, MMOMW, AP, and I joined a new one POLY families.  MMOMW responded, my husband isn’t allowed to chat when I am home, and is only allowed to see they guy once week.  In fact MMOMW, had a lot of rules and what felt to me like control.  AP, was pretty similar with their responses as well.  POLY however had completely different responses. 

"Does it really matter how much time he spends, creating a new relationship if he is not neglecting his responsibilities or his family life?" replied poster.  "Huh, what a concept.", I mumbled to myself.

"Are you sure it is about the time he is spending chatting and not something else?" replied poster. 
"Huh, it is about the time?", I thought.

FLASH, FLASH.............EPIPHANY!!!!!!

No, it’s not about the time!  Jerry and I have had small problems in our marriage.  He doesn’t meet my love language.  I need him to show me that he cares by hugging me, texting me occasionally in the morning, buying me a bouquet a flowers just because, the little unexpecteds are what matter to me.  "Good", I thought, "Now I know why I am upset. Jerry doesn’t treat me the way I think I should be treated, Jerry is treating a random the way I have wanted to be treated and my feelings are hurt."
Jerry gets off of work and we start talking on the phone, he doesn’t know yet that I know he has been chatting and texting him.  Jerry is worried about our conversation this afternoon.  He feels it might be bad.  I let him know that I am not mad, and that it’s not a bad conversation just one that I think is important to have before his relationship with random continues.  While on the phone he tells me, so I have been a busy texter today at work.  I responded, “Oh, really, who have you been texting?”  He tells me and then asks, "How does that make you feel?".  I responded, "I am not going to answer that question just yet; I want to know how you think I would feel?"  He responds, “Well, I think you might be angry that I exchanged numbers, and was texting.” 

“Well, did you think about me and my feelings at all before you exchanged numbers?”  I don’t remember exactly what he said, it wasn’t important because he was trying to make excuses for not thinking about my feelings before exchanging numbers.  I told him, "That is all I want from you.  I need you to think about me and how it might affect me.  If you feel that I might be upset, then you probably should hold off on doing whatever it is I may be upset about and let me know first."  Jerry, annoyed, “I don’t feel, I need to ask for your permission.”

I completely agreed, he doesn’t need to ask for my permission, but I feel that if he truly cares he should be concerned about my feelings.  He could have waited 4 hours to give his number out.  If he thought that his actions would make me uncomfortable or upset, he should have come home and told me what his intentions were, something like this… “Michelle, I have been e-mailing this guy and he wants to exchange numbers.  I know this might make you feel uncomfortable or upset but I wanted to let before I exchanged numbers with him.  I really like talking with him and will be exchanging numbers.  I hope that you can be okay with this.”  He is not at all asking my permission to do something, but letting me know he cares about my feelings, he is available to talk if needed, but he is his own person and is going to do something, that he feels will make him happy.  He understood my point. 

I was never angry that he exchanged numbers with him.  I didn’t care, it was the point that he didn’t think about me.  He came home and we started talking, I read through his e-mails again and let him know how I was feeling about him texting random at 5:30am when he doesn’t normally do that for me.  He told me because he was thinking about rando, and thought it would nice, to say good morning.  He also said that he thought about me, and how I text him all the time, and felt that he should show me appreciation by doing the same.  It was a really nice gesture that he was thinking about me, I really appreciated it.  

Jerry also confirmed that he wants to put 100% of his effort into making our “new” polyamory relationship work.  We have absolutely no intentions of separating, this relationship may not work, and that will be okay.  Right now it is working and we will continue to work on it.

I told Jerry, I don’t want to be his keeper.  I am not the person to tell him how much he can interact with another, or when he can and can not see another.  That is not my place.  He needs to decide that.  I accept Jerry's autonomy.  I explained to Jerry again that he should consider my feelings before acting.  If I were to chat online with a random three nights in a row for hours at a time, would he be okay with that.  His response came easily, he didn’t like his response, but it was easy for him.  “No, I would be annoyed that you were spending so much time away from me.” 

I replied, “Good, I am glad you were honest.  If you feel that way then you should probably make the decision not to chat again.  It’s all about respect and understanding how your actions will affect me, and realizing how you would be affected if I did the same thing.  Now, that you understand where I am coming from, I have homework tonight, so if you want to chat please do so, but thank you for understanding my feelings."

Rules are not something I am interested in.  I do not want to create a list of rules and times for Jerry to follow.  I am not his mom, I do not control him.  I feel that Jerry needs to be free to be himself and make all of his own choices.  A poly relationship recognizes that people have autonomy, they are free to make their own choices, and choose their own direction in life.  No one is in control of another person we can control ourselves and our own actions.  I know that Jerry loves me.  I have learned that I do not control Jerry!  I don’t want to control Jerry.  It’s Jerry choice to stay married and make this work, it’s his choice to choose to do little things for me that he knows would make me happy, to show me that he loves and cares for me.  Control is not at all what I want.  I want for Jerry to genuinely have a desire to stay with me because that is the choice he makes, not because I am forcing him, and controlling who he sees or when he goes out or how to live his life.  That isn’t fun.  Life should be fun!
“If you love something let it go.  If it doesn’t back it was never yours to begin with.” 

This post is already too long, I will continue tomorrow.     

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Only a woman! Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus.

How is it that a woman, especially me can turn a molehill into a mountain at any given moment?

So a few days ago, Jerry and I are sitting outside talking, it was a pleasant conversation.  I really couldn’t even tell you what we were talking about, but this one statement really annoyed and frustrated me.  Jerry says casually, “I should really probably join those sites that you are on, but I just don’t have the time.” 

“Oh, okay.”  I replied in nonchalant voice, as my brain rapidly tried to digest ever word and analyze the conversation. 

My analytical thoughts on what Jerry meant:  Jerry spends hours on the computer searching for a “friend with benefits”, reading blogs, ect…  Yet he can’t find five minutes to save our marriage?  I guess I am really not that important to him after all.
I have spent days stewing and being frustrated and annoyed at this statement.  Jerry stated it, I turned into a mountain, buried it, let it fester and Oh my Goodness…………………
When it came out, which it did last night!  It was like the Super-volcano in Wyoming erupting for the first time 600,000 years.

What Jerry wanted to imply:  “I really don’t have an interest in joining the groups.  I think that there would be too much information to dig through to find a snippet of pertinent information that may or may not apply to my life.  Plus you are already a member and if you read anything interesting, that you think I should be aware of you’ll inform me of it.” 
My point molehills can stay molehills if I can just find it in myself to openly communicate!  Simple solution, “Jerry, I am not exactly sure what you mean by that, but this is the way I am understanding this statement.  Is this accurate?” 

Jerry, “No, Michelle not at all, I meant it like this, and I love you, you and "us" are worth my time.”