I never anticipated having sex with Jerry, I never had a desire to have sex with Jerry, to be honest I don't know that I ever really wanted to have sex with Jerry. Did I have sexual tension when Jerry was around. Absolutely, did I crave him in a sexual manner? YES! But for me sex, was sex, something you did. Relationships would be created by sex, relationships would end because of sex. The only relationships that would last are those that didn't involve sex.
I knew that I would rather have Jerry in my life forever as friend than to have sex with him and lose him. Sex changes people and it changes friendships! Did having sex with Jerry change our friendship, absolutely! We didn’t speak for 5 months after the first time we had sex. There are reasons for this which I won't disclose here. During that 5 months I had a lesbian roommate move in and I liked her, a lot. I found her very attractive and we developed a close relationship not sexual in nature. There was something about her, she was much older than I late 30's I was only 20 at the time. We discussed my attraction towards women and she lent me her lesbian porn, which I watched all the time. I was pregnant and very horny. I enjoyed the lesbian porn very much!
He proposed to me in December, I don't think he wanted to lose me, but more importantly he fell in love with Riley and didn't want to loose her. I believe that she will always hold a special place in his heart. We do not openly admit to our friends that she is not related biologically. Most people say she looks like hm while our son looks like me.
However, we are open with Riley about this, it is not good to lie to your children. She is comfortable with this, and I would recommend anyone in this situation to tell their children early. When they find out later in life they suffer many ill emotions from it. I know this from 4 personal experiences of people who found out during there teenage years that their father was not their biological father. I beg you not to do that to your child.
Then I caught him looking at gay porn. I again asked him if he was gay. He denied it, saying that it was just a phase. Again, my experiences with the same sex and also engaging in same sex pornography I understood this and took it for what it was. Exciting, fascinating, and just a phase.
Our sex life wasn’t great during this time, I was Fat, and pregnant, moody and hormonal. I felt like I was carrying the devil. I really thought this and felt this way, I don't know that I have ever shared this with anyone, including Jerry. Our son gave me grief when I carried him, allowing me to only eat brownies, everything else I would throw up. We named him for his fiery temper.
After my son was born I had feminine issues which made sex difficult, and not at pleasurable. Jerry continued watching gay porn. At first he was open with it and then he became closed with it. This was my fault! Not Jerry's, more circumstance I will not discuss here.
So finally after nine years I told him that his gay porn addiction was no longer a phase. I thought that he may be gay and will soon realize this and leave me. He finally came out to me as being gay.
My point in this is that I myself have had same sex attractions, experimented with the same sex. I enjoyed it. The fact is now; I am not at all attracted to females in a sexual manner. I find very few females attractive only the very, very pretty ones. Breasts and vagina's do not turn me on the way they once did. On that note I'm not really attracted to men either. The only man I have looked at and been attracted to in over nine years has been Jerry. Oops, there was this one guy who was our contractor, He was exceptional, Abercrombie, exceptional. All of you gay guys out there would have totally drooled. We will hire him again so Jerry can see what I am taking about. So I think and feel that same sex attraction for every person varies as our lives change. Some people are open to feeling okay with their same sex attractions, many people however are scared by these feeling or even intimidated and avoid them at all costs. So I do believe that most people fall in between the lines of being 100% either way. That is also the reason I didn't know Jerry experienced these feelings, on the level he does.
So to answer the question am I straight, lesbian or transgender.
I feel that I was once more Lesbian than Straight. I feel now that I more Straight than Lesbian. I do not feel as though I am a transgender. I do not wish that I looked like a male, and I do not want to be a male, but I would love to own a God made penis.
When I was young I was very much a tomboy. When I reached puberty I was very feminine. I loved to look and feel sexy and attractive. As I got older in my mid twenty's being a sexy, attractive female no longer interested me. I became tired of being treated like a sexual object by dirty men. Co-workers would grab my ass, guys whistling down the street, guys forcing me to kiss them, disgusting!
So what am I? My name is Michelle, I am at times attracted to females, and at times attracted to males, the only person that I have been fully attracted to in the last 10 years has been Jerry. I love him as my best friend, my confidant, and soul mate. He is the only person in this world that I have ever felt comfortable with. He has been with me through hard times, fun times, stressful times, heartache, death, losing friends, gaining friends he has brought me more confidence than I could imagine I feel secure and safe with Jerry and for now he is my husband, and I love him.