Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Continued: Striaght/ Bisexual/ Lesbian/ Transgender????
I never anticipated having sex with Jerry, I never had a desire to have sex with Jerry, to be honest I don't know that I ever really wanted to have sex with Jerry.  Did I have sexual tension when Jerry was around.  Absolutely, did I crave him in a sexual manner? YES!  But for me sex, was sex, something you did.  Relationships would be created by sex, relationships would end because of sex.  The only relationships that would last are those that didn't involve sex. 

I knew that I would rather have Jerry in my life forever as friend than to have sex with him and lose him.  Sex changes people and it changes friendships!  Did having sex with Jerry change our friendship, absolutely!  We didn’t speak for 5 months after the first time we had sex.  There are reasons for this which I won't disclose here.  During that 5 months I had a lesbian roommate move in and I liked her, a lot.  I found her very attractive and we developed a close relationship not sexual in nature.  There was something about her, she was much older than I late 30's I was only 20 at the time.  We discussed my attraction towards women and she lent me her lesbian porn, which I watched all the time.  I was pregnant and very horny.  I enjoyed the lesbian porn very much! 

Jerry was pissed off at me for getting pregnant, he didn’t understand nor did he know that I purposely planned it.  (I explained this to him later in our marriage)  At this time Jerry was a practicing Mormon and his beliefs didn’t allow for him to accept this.  He came to accept my situation and came and visited me at the hospital after I had Riley.
From that moment we rekindled our friendship, our friendship was forever changed the night we had sex.  There was more sexual tension, more love and now a feeling of rejection.  Three months later we took it to the next level once again and started having sex regularly, it was Christmas 2001.  He fell in love with Riley.  He ended up joining the military, partly for his own reason, and I feel partly so that he could take care of Riley and I.  He was leaving for basic June 2002 I told him he needed to marry me or break up with me but I wasn’t going to sit around for six years and wait and hope that he would come back to me. He told me that he loved me, just not like that.  We tried breaking up but for some reason we couldn’t.  So he left for basic.  Looking back, it was a good thing we didn’t get married then.  I don’t know that I would have been sure I was marrying him for the right reasons because I loved him, or because I needed him to support me.

After Jerry left I moved out of my mother’s house.  I needed to know that I could support Riley and I without anyone else’s help, the way I planned it to be when I got pregnant.  I was able to and was thinking about re-enrolling in college when I decided I couldn't be the woman who waits for a man, I needed to know what Jerry’s intentions were with me.  That September I gave Jerry an ultimatum, marry me or  break up.  I didn’t want a long distance relationship for 6 years.  I told him if we broke up if in six years we were in the right place we would resume our relationship.

He proposed to me in December, I don't think he wanted to lose me, but more importantly he fell in love with Riley and didn't want to loose her.  I believe that she will always hold a special place in his heart.  We do not openly admit to our friends that she is not related biologically.  Most people say she looks like hm while our son looks like me. 

However, we are open with Riley about this, it is not good to lie to your children.  She is comfortable with this, and I would recommend anyone in this situation to tell their children early.  When they find out later in life they suffer many ill emotions from it.  I know this from 4 personal experiences of people who found out during there teenage years that their father was not their biological father.  I beg you not to do that to your child.
Jerry and I had planned to marry in August with a big ceremony.  I felt like something bad was going to happen so I moved the wedding up to February.  I told Jerry on Thursday that we were going to marry on Sunday.  His family planned a quaint wedding overnight.  If we wouldn’t have gotten married in February, we wouldn’t be married today.  While I can not be 100% sure of this I am 90% sure.  More circumstances I won’t discuss here.

I married Jerry because I loved him.  It wasn’t infatuation, passionate or lustful love.  It was simple, pure, I loved him as my best friend and I could see us having a wonderful life together.  Our first year of marriage he was in Korea.  Marriage years 2-3 were very rocky.  I got pregnant right away with our son, and we had problems.  At first I noticed he was looking at male photography, clothed.  I asked if he was gay, he denied it saying he was interested in the fashion.  Okay, that’s understandable. 

Then I caught him looking at gay porn.  I again asked him if he was gay.  He denied it, saying that it was just a phase.  Again, my experiences with the same sex and also engaging in same sex pornography I understood this and took it for what it was.  Exciting, fascinating, and just a phase. 

Our sex life wasn’t great during this time, I was Fat, and pregnant, moody and hormonal.  I felt like I was carrying the devil.  I really thought this and felt this way, I don't know that I have ever shared this with anyone, including Jerry.  Our son gave me grief when I carried him, allowing me to only eat brownies, everything else I would throw up.  We named him for his fiery temper.  

After my son was born I had feminine issues which made sex difficult, and not at pleasurable.  Jerry continued watching gay porn.  At first he was open with it and then he became closed with it.  This was my fault!  Not Jerry's, more circumstance I will not discuss here.
His gay porn habits were a huge turn on for me.  When he closed it off I became a snoopy monster.  I would always look at the history on our computer and restore and find any hidden aspects Jerry tried to hide.  I started masturbating to gay porn.  I became obsessed with penises.  I love gay porn and find it a very big turn on.  I often wish I was born with a penis.  I would love to know what it feels like to cum.  It seems so much more fulfilling and better, and easier than a woman's.   
Years 4-8 of our marriage have been exceptional.  We don’t fight and we really do get along.  Our sex life has always been great minus pregnancy and feminine issues, but always lacked in passion.  There are many reasons for this that have nothing to do with Jerry’s same-sex attractions, or so I feel and think.  I have always complained to Jerry about our lack of intimacy, and he has always promised to make it better.  He never tried to make it better though and blamed me.  Remember how Jerry was raised Mormon, LDS.  Well, I wasn't, I was promiscuous, and Jerry knew about every encounter I had.  He blamed his lack of intimacy on this and I believed him.  I still deal with guilt from my promiscuous ways, I am hoping that one day I can forgive myself of my sins. 

So finally after nine years I told him that his gay porn addiction was no longer a phase.  I thought that he may be gay and will soon realize this and leave me.  He finally came out to me as being gay.

My point in this is that I myself have had same sex attractions, experimented with the same sex.  I enjoyed it.  The fact is now; I am not at all attracted to females in a sexual manner.  I find very few females attractive only the very, very pretty ones.  Breasts and vagina's do not turn me on the way they once did.  On that note I'm not really attracted to men either.  The only man I have looked at and been attracted to in over nine years has been Jerry.  Oops, there was this one guy who was our contractor, He was exceptional, Abercrombie, exceptional.  All of you gay guys out there would have totally drooled.  We will hire him again so Jerry can see what I am taking about.  So I think and feel that same sex attraction for every person varies as our lives change.  Some people are open to feeling okay with their same sex attractions, many people however are scared by these feeling or even intimidated and avoid them at all costs.  So I do believe that most people fall in between the lines of being 100% either way.  That is also the reason I didn't know Jerry experienced these feelings, on the level he does. 

So to answer the question am I straight, lesbian or transgender.

I feel that I was once more Lesbian than Straight.  I feel now that I more Straight than Lesbian.  I do not feel as though I am a transgender.  I do not wish that I looked like a male, and I do not want to be a male, but I would love to own a God made penis.   

When I was young I was very much a tomboy.  When I reached puberty I was very feminine.  I loved to look and feel sexy and attractive.  As I got older in my mid twenty's being a sexy, attractive female no longer interested me.  I became tired of being treated like a sexual object by dirty men.  Co-workers would grab my ass, guys whistling down the street, guys forcing me to kiss them, disgusting!

So what am I?  My name is Michelle, I am at times attracted to females, and at times attracted to males, the only person that I have been fully attracted to in the last 10 years has been Jerry.  I love him as my best friend, my confidant, and soul mate.  He is the only person in this world that I have ever felt comfortable with.  He has been with me through hard times, fun times, stressful times, heartache, death, losing friends, gaining friends he has brought me more confidence than I could imagine I feel secure and safe with Jerry and for now he is my husband, and I love him.

Monday, November 28, 2011

Am I Lesbian/ Bisexual/ Transgender????
From my understanding very few people are 100% straight or 100% gay or lesbian.  I would have to agree with this.  Let me explain some very personal things about my life that no one really knows except for me.  Here is my closet.........

When I was 3 I saw my first penis.  It was ugly!  I remember not liking it at all, or even being curious in it.  He asked me to touch it, and I was very grossed out, his name was Michael.  He was a cute boy.  When I was 5 I started experimenting with a girl named Bethany.  I thought she was beautiful.  We would play house and listen to the song I want to kiss you from head to toe.  I was always the man in the “pretend” relationship.  We would get naked and we would kiss each other with tongue all over, like the song described.  I really like eating her out, I liked that she really liked it.  Even though I was only five this really truned me on.  I was also successfully masturbating buy this age.  We did this for a year.  Bethany finally moved and I made new girlfriends, Seipe and Angela.

Angela was beautiful, Seipe was fat and ugly.  Occasionally we all three would enagage in promiscuous activities.  Seipe was gross though.  Angela and I participated in this type of behaviour alone most of the time.  Again this behavior started out by playing house and  I again, wanted to be the man in the relationship, although I do remember Angela fighting me once on wanting to be the man.  I let her, but she really wasn't that good at it.  LOL.  We messed around from 2nd grade to 5th  grade.  In 2nd grade my mother made me see a counselor for humping a girl at school.  Humping at school was a normal activity, boys would always hump girls, this was allowed and accepted by teachers.  I just prefered humping girls.  In Fact not until I was much, much older, I thought Wednesdays were really Hump, like as in sex day not hump as in the middle of the week day.  What a dork!  

I also mastrurbated a lot in school.  I enjoyed this and it felt really good!  To be honest, I am embarrassed of my actions today as an adult, and would have never fully admitted this before.  I used to masturate every where and anywhere I could.  Being young I never thought anyone could tell, but I was sorely mistaken.  My desk in school would shake up and down, as I moaned what I thought at the time was quietly.  Boy, was I ever wrong!  More counseling sessions!!   

4th grade was the first time that I became physically attracted to boy  his name was Stephen.  He was cute, nice, funny and a lot of fun to be around, and he was somewhat interested in me. He was quite a bit older being in 7th grade.  We never fooled around as I was a little too young for him.  I mean I was restricted to my front yard, and he could go to Peter Piper Pizza all by himself or with a date. It didn't work with us, but he was the first boy I can recall being attracted to. 

My 3rd through 5th grade years I was being sexually harassed by 15-18 year old guys.  They would tackle me, feel me up, hold me down and not let me go.  They would threaten me sexually, and I was fearful.  Even after restraining orders they did not leave me alone.  It progressively got worse.  They ended up making a tape about how they were going to rape me, and that was the last straw for my mother after legal actions failed.  We moved at the end of my 5th grade year.
   BrassThe summer of 6th grade I had my first French kiss with a very attractive boy, I don’t remember his name.  It happened only once.  We kissed for 3 or four hours straight.  I had a lot of fun.  We moved again in 7th grade where I was attracted to a girl named Amber we became best friends, nothing more.  I was physically not attracted to anyone else.  By 8th grade I was pushed into liking guys, because it was normal.  I wasn’t attracted to anyone though.  Later in 8th grade my friends and I were having a sleep over when we all started giving each other back rubs.  My friend Tracy started feeling me up and fingering me.  Wow, that was a shock!  I liked it alot.  It was exciting and fun.  The first time I was very uncomfortable with it as a group of another seven girls were within arm’s length from us.  It was completely dark and no one saw but I was scared of the reprucussions of being caught.  We messed around another two or three times when we were alone.

Sometime in the latter end of 8th grade I met a guy whom I was very attracted to Mike.  We fooled around a lot and it was a lot of fun, it lasted a few months. In the middle of my ninth grade year I met a boy named Justin I was attracted to him, and his girlish, boyish features.  I also met Jerry and from the moment of meeting Jerry I felt a strong connection, a connection I had never felt before.  Jerry and I became “best” friends and Justin, well, I was more interested in losing my virginity to him than anything else.  We were never a couple and I was okay with that.  We didn’t last long.  In tenth grade I lost my virginity to a boy I was not even remotely attracted to.  I didn't really want to lose my virginity to him, but I placed myself in a circumstance that I was not comfortable with and well it happened.  I stayed with this guy until I moved again for fear of being a "slut". 

I moved in tenth grade and the beginning of my eleventh grade year I was infatuated with another boy named Mike.  He had girlish/boyish features as well.  This was the first boy in my life that I had become totally and utterly infatuated with and we had sex often but again never a relationship.

Pause, Rewind.  My mother had guys in and out of her bed since I was little.  They came, they lived with us, they used her, and then she kicked their ass to the curb.  My grandma also had a few boyfriends, they all died.  So my experience with men from the beginning of my life was never good.

I went to college and increased my male sexual experiences by ten fold.  Never a relationship and the guys that “loved” me I never wanted a relationship with.  The beginning of my sophomore year in college I met a “booty call” he was by far the only and best sexual encounter I have ever had.  It lasted four months when I decided I needed to move on.  I was lost and felt hopeless in my life, feeling like I would never find love or a reason why life was worth living.  I knew of only one way to gain personal happiness and that was by getting pregnant and having a child.  By the middle of my sophomore year I was hooking up with a guy routinely.  I left the guy I had great sex with to be with this other guy, I don't really know why, I did this.  Yes, it was just another booty call.  I wasn’t attracted to him, nor was he a good lover, but he was smart and I felt that we would make a good looking child with more than average intelligence, which was important to me.  I planned to get pregnant without his consent.  While I was wrong, he knew I wasn't taking birth control pills, becuase I was a smoker, and he never used a condom. I also knew that he wouldn’t want to be around, so it was the perfect situation for me to be a single mother.  Something I had always wanted in my life, to be a single mother.  I felt from a young age this was my purpose in life, if I could have I would have gotten pregnant at 16.  I had planned on finishing my college career in Flagstaff, but my friend Jessica talked me out of it. 

She knew I had a very strong personal connection with Jerry.  I moved back to Phoenix so I could be closer to Jerry.  Jerry and I had sex for the first time when I was three months pregnant. 


Saturday, November 26, 2011

Thunder Rolls and the Lightening Strikes
 My moods have been off.  I am trying to quit smoking.  Yes, I am a smoker, and no my moods are not altered becuase I am quitting, that is no excuse.  Okay, maybe it is.  They say it is more addicting than Heroin.  I have never tried that so I really wouldn't know.  I have been taking that wonderful blue pill, no not the sex kind, the one for smoking.  "Chantix".  Great pill for quitting smoking, unless you're one of the people whom experiance the awful side effects of it, such as depression, anger.  It was effecting my mood too much, I knew it would but I really wanted to quit smoking, and Chantix makes it easier.  After a week, and my uncontrolable weirdness I stopped taking it.  I like to know that my moods are genuine and not caused by a pill.  While I can tell and monitor my moods most of the time, this was just too complicated with everthing else that has been going on.  So as the thunder growled within me, and lightening finally struck, it was time to say goodbye to my little blue pill, and hello again to my best friend.  P.S.  I am still trying to quit, just taking the natural more challenging road.  As I said in my last post easy is not always better, sometimes it's a challenge to accomplish something great.

Three days late and a dollar short.  I have been selfish, and I refused to look at all the things I have in my life to be thankful for.  First and foremost I am thankful to be alive, and to have to deal with my situation.  It is a nice feeling being able to enjoy all the treasures that life has to offer, the joyous moments, the heartache, heartfilled, love, anguish, sad, and happy, I am thankful to be able to experiances these.  I am Thankful for the life that I have, for my husband, my children, my family, my friends, and my new blogger friends.   I am thankful for my good fortune that my husband is able to provide a roof over our heads, food on the table and much, much more.  I am thankful that I am a stay at home mom, who has had the opportunity to spend valuable time with my children as they have grown up.  My life has been blessed and I have much to be thankful for.  Being selfish is awful!
Thanksgiving for us this year, was not a Thanksgiving at all, it was simply just another day.  My  husband’s family decided to hold off the celebration of Thanksgiving until December 3rd.  Jerry’s nephew is coming home from a LDS mission in southeast Asia on the second, and he is very Thankful that we as a family will be welcoming him home, and saving Turkey and stuffing for him as well. 

Thanksgiving night, I cried, cried and cried some more.  Jerry came out to console me, I was a little bitter, but accepted his kindness.  We were talking and Jerry asked me “What do you want me to do?”, I replied like a jerk and said, “There is nothing for you to do.  There is nothing you can do.”.  The next day I thought about his question, what can Jerry do for me?  I finally figured it out!  On our way home from Wallyworld, I told him my great plan.  “Jerry, remember when you asked me last night what you could do for me?”  He replied hesitantly, “Ye…..s”.  I spoke with excitement, “”Well, I figured it out, I know what you can do for me!  You can stop entertaining absurd ideas of us separating.  Stop me dead in my tracks and remind me that this is not to be discussed for at least a year.”  Jerry, smiled, chuckled and said, “I’m not going anywhere.  I can certainly do that.”
I also figured out what the counselor was trying to tell me.  Which I will discuss at a differant time. 

For now my concerns lie with my seven year old shih-tzu, Chyna who since Wednesday has been ill, and seems to be getting wrose as each day passes.  I think she is dying.  She has had surgery three times so far.  Once when we fixed her, and two times to have a tumor on her breast removed.  It has grown back quicker this third time.  She is now having difficulties walking, and seems to be in pain.  We have pain meds that we have been giving her, until we can see the vet on Monday.  I don’t think her prognosis is good, I think her tumor was cancer and that it has spread and is causing her not to walk.  I am however not a veterinarian, and I am still hoping for the best.  Hopefully whatever is wrong with her is curable with a pill.  Fingers crossed.

Friday, November 25, 2011

Easy is Not Always Better
 I am nut case!  I am confused, I am conflicted.  This blog is like a journal for me nothing more.  Emotionally I am wishy washy.  I would consider myself to be normal.  I want to shield myself, guard myself from being hurt.  I don’t know the outcome of my life right, but who does?  Life, morals, values, beliefs are all things that consistently change as we grow. 

I blogged yesterday that separation was in effect.  Fact, we discussed separation.  Fact, it was easy to discuss this.  In life sometimes the easy way isn’t the right way.  Separating while it feels natural and easy, doesn’t feel right for me.  I want to grow old with my husband, I want a relationship with him.  Just because we discussed separation doesn’t mean that it is over yet. 
I went to a counselor.  He said for us to work on ourselves as individuals and through this our relationship as a couple will get better.  He said that as a couple we have lived as a couple a certain way.  While we have great communication, we still lack.  In order for us to move forward in creating a new relationship we need to let go of our past judgments towards each other.  Start with a clean slate.  Communicate without judgment.  I need to communicate better, I need to let go of my judgments.   Jerry needs to let go of his judgments against me.  There have been times in our marriage where I have been quick to anger.  Jerry often puts his own perspective of my reactions in his head, and even though my reaction may be different, he only sees my reaction as he thinks I am going to react.  We need to work on this.  I often argue or disagree with Jerry.  Let me clarify this.  When Jerry says it is 2ft, I will reply with it is 2 and ¼ ft.  I am not this bad, but it is close enough for you to see the point.  I need to work on this.  I need to listen, and listen only, accept what he has to say for what it is, not for what I want it to be.

I want my marriage to work with Jerry.  I need to get over the marriage part right now.  I need to think of it simply as a relationship.  I want a relationship with Jerry.  I will work on my faults, like I always do.  I am no longer as quick to anger as I was 9 years ago.  I have learned to control this.  I have other things, that I need to work on.  I hope we can start over and create a “new” relationship.  Ultimately, I want Jerry by my side forever. 
I hear people often say that sharing their partner with someone else is easy.  It is easy because they would rather have 80% of their partner than nothing at all.  Well, when it comes to Jerry and I, I would rather have 100%, sharing him will not change my percentage.  However, if I only end up with 1% of him, I want that 1% to be great.

I want a mixed orientation marriage to work between Jerry and I.  I don’t believe this is far fetched.  Talking to the counselor who is gay, agreed with my statement that many gay couple have contracts in which they have an open relationship.  An open relationship with a gay man would be very similar to an open relationship with a woman.  I know that this type of marriage could work for Jerry and I.  We are best friends, I love him.
A very kind person who is in an MOM wrote me and said:  Six months is not long enough to determine the end of a marriage.  Give it a year.  I am assuming this means to not discuss marriage, separation, divorce for one year.  To be freinds as married couples should be, and nothing more.  To not assume or make decisions about the future, but to let our relationship ride its course naturally.  If that is what this means than I will do everything I can to "LET GO" and "LET GOD".  I am stil working on this as well as my control issues.  Sometimes I need to be reminded to let go and believe.  
I believe in fate, I believe in destiny, I believe that everything happens for a reason.  That which does not kill you will make you stronger.  Now if I could trust in what I believe in, instead of trying to control it, I might be headed on the right path.   

Thursday, November 24, 2011

A Solid Foundation
Today, I have given up the majority of my hope.  Thanksgiving 2011, I have come to realize, the life I thought was so perfect is over.  I went to a counselor last night to talk, and through my conversation with him, and later last night with my husband, I have come to the realization that my marriage has no foundation.

Every house is built on a foundation and without that foundation the house will fall.  Well, I am guessing that my marriage wasn’t built on a foundation, because it is falling.  Was I in denial, have I been denying the truth.  I think I have been.

I do believe that Mixed Orientation Marriages can work.  I do believe that as long as marriage is built on a solid foundation, that nothing can break that bond, and getting through even the toughest of times together, is more than possible.  In my case, I do not believe this is true.
I have been conflicted.  I hear my husband.  I hear that he is confused and doesn’t think a MOM would work.  He isn’t sure if he wants our marriage to work.  My truth, our marriage wasn’t built on a strong foundation. 

A marriage takes two people knowing with certainty that they love each other.  I know with certainty that I love him, I know with certainty that he is the only person in this world I would want to spend my life with.  He says he is confused.  He needs time.  I feel that if our marriage was true, and his love for me was true, then he would know, he wouldn’t be confused he would just know.  My truth, he doesn’t want to admit that he doesn’t love me, and that our marriage is over.  It is much easier to ask for time.

Today, Thanksgiving 2011, I have given up most of my hope.  I am accepting my fate.  I am preparing myself for our separation, which will be sooner than later.  When I brought this up today there were no arguments, and he didn’t dispute the way I felt.  It was easy talking about separation, almost natural.  It didn’t take any work or effort like trying to hold our marriage together does.

I have come to the realization that I am the only one who wanted our marriage to work.  I am the only one who has put any effort into it.  I am tired, and I am ready to accept my fate.  No more struggling, blaming, torturing or victimizing myself.  I would rather spend the rest of my life with my husband as my best friend and that best friend love than to separate.  I married him simply becuase he was my best friend, nothing more. Separation is in the works, so there is really no more say about what I would want.

As for me, well I won’t ever get married again.  Marriage for me has lost its meaning.  Marriage is a piece of paper that means absolutely nothing; I might as well have never gotten married.

I plan to finish school, I plan to work my a#$ off trying to get a job that pays enough to continue the lifestyle my children and I are used to.  I plan on doing this alone and on my own, the way it should have been before I married. 

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

A Fun Mommy
Remembering what I enjoy.  I enjoy being a mother and spending time with my children.  Children enjoy the simply things you do for them.  They remember the simple things we do for them the most.  Watching an hour of television together is one way to spend time with your children.  I do have to admit this simple pleasure in life has become more of a hardship.  Television these days is hardly appropriate for children, yet what adult wants to watch the same episode of SpongeBob, or Wizards of Waverly place again?  So I reverted to Friends.  My daughter and my son both enjoy watching the show and we share many laughs together while watching it.

                Another simple thing that brings pleasure to the lives of my children is simply playing a board game with them.  I just bought the game of Life.  We have so much playing this.  Sequence is another game we enjoy which also helps with their math and organization.  Fresh baked cookies after school are also another simple pleasure children enjoy. 

                This week I have decided to participate in my children’s joy as we spend time together, going to the library, looking at Target. Playing games and watching television together.  I vow to become a better mother to them, and work harder to accomplish all my many goals. 

                School this week has progressed nicely for me.  I submitted three papers thus far and have four more to do.  I am hoping to complete them all by next Tuesday.  I still have a touch of the cold.  While I feel better it has decided to reside in my chest.  I can feel the tickle deep down inside and makes me cough repeatedly.  I hate it, and wish it would go away!!!

                As for my husband and I nothing has changed.  We are still here, still undecided about what to do next, and still not moving forward.  He still hasn’t received his firm offer letter, and this makes me think that moving by January is probably unlikely.  I know whenever we move it will be all for the best.  I haven’t written much because I really don’t have anything to say.

                My last thoughts on my husband being gay were this…….

I do not know of one single person who chooses to get married for the minute.  I do not know one person who doesn’t walk into marriage thinking that this will be the person they spend the rest of their life with.  I believe that everyone married because that is the person they want to spend the rest of their life with.  I could be wrong but I highly doubt it.  Anyways if a straight man marries a woman and the woman becomes unattractive, fat, ugly whatever, does it give the man the righto seek a more attractive female?  I believe most people would say that this does not give the man reason to seek another person.  So if a straight man marries a woman, and decides that this is the person he wants to spend the rest of his life with and then this straight man determines that he is actually gay.  Does this give the gay man the right to seek a more attractive person? 

                I believe that these two circumstances are very closely related if not the same.  If you read my blog, please respond, I would really like to know the thoughts of others on this situation.  How are these two circumstances different, if they seem to be so much the same? 

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Six weeks and Counting

It has been 6 weeks since Jerry came out and life in this instant actually feels normal again.  Our relationship is better than ever.  It doesn’t matter how we will work out, I just know we will make this work for us and our children. 

We went away for Veterans Day and had a wonderful time.  Jerry came home early on Thursday and helped me pack and clean the apartment, this was first and it was so nice to have the help!  We got to Jerry’s dads house about 3:00.  Talked with outside a while, sitting on the front porch which is one of Jerry and I’s favorite places to sit.  While there, Jerry had a quick fleeting thought of telling his LDS father about him.  Again it was an extremely quick fleeting thought, and definitely not the right with Jerry and I not even knowing what we are going to do, there would be too many questions that neither one of us can answer.  We took his nephew out shopping for birthday clothes, and then met up with his sister, and parents at Nando’s Mexican food.  What a place, we were stuffed!!!

The following day we went hiking with his dad, sister and nephews.  It was a great way to start the morning.  Hiking is like starting off the day fresh, it was peaceful.  We need to do this more often as a family, live each day to the fullest, stop letting the mundane factors in life bring us to stop doing the activities that we enjoy.  Afterwards we went to a parade, visited more family and ended our evening with a flag retiring ceremony which was a very patriotic finale to the day.

On Saturday we did end up going to a gay bar, and it was a little weird.  Watching or seeing gay people wasn’t weird or uncomfortable.  It was feeling as if we were on the outside.  It seemed that everyone was coupled together, and everyone knew each other.  The crowd was a little young for us and we definitely would have had a better time at a bar, like an Irish Pub something smaller and more secluded.  The bar we went to was more of a club with many different rooms.  Kiki was the entertainment for the bar and she, I believe you call these people transgender, maybe drag queens, I really don’t know but anyhow she fell for Jerry, and even dedicated her song to him.  It was sweet and Jerry liked her too, she was super cute.  The gay bartender absolutely loved me, and kept giving me free drinks, and was even nice enough to personally introduce me to other people who worked at the club.  He was truly fabulous! 

One weird thing about the club is we met a couple who was there with a friend who was gay.  The couple was married and the guy said he was straight, but Oh My, maybe he just doesn’t know yet!  I definitely don’t have what many people refer to as “gay dar”, otherwise I wouldn’t be in the situation I am in.  This guy, was totally gay!  I hate to stereo type, but I have never seen a “flaming” gay guy that was straight.  Very interesting, I would have loved to hear more about their story but the bartender kept my ears from listening as he gave me all the gossip about the bar.  Either way, it was an experience; we had a fantastic time and would definitely do it again.  We never felt uncomfortable with anyone we talked too, and unlike other people’s stories we have heard no one ostracized either one of us. 

We got home late about four and I got a horrible head cold, which I am still dealing with.  SUCK!!! 

I have watched another movie about MOM for those of you interested it is called “A Change of Heart”.  I hope everyone had a great Veteran’s Day.         

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Future, Bubbles and Bars
I am trying to get back to the normalcy of life.  I have also decided that problems are so insignificant to others.  There are so many people in my situation, people whose husbands have cheated straight or gay, people fighting, children being neglected or abused, people loosing homes, jobs and can not afford to put food on their plates.  My problems are very insignificant to these and the problems I have mentioned that other people facing doesn’t even touch the tip of what is going on around us.  I very fortunate in life and I shouldn’t be complaining.  I have been very self-centered, selfish and I lost the sight of who I really am, and the real problems that others are dealing with that I should be helping with instead of centering myself on my pity party.

I have a year left of college, and I am trying to squeeze in 6 more credit hours this semester, which I have seven weeks left of.  I think I can do it, although I am a tad behind.  I have been working out, two times to the gym every day.  One hour in the morning for cardio, and one and a half hours at night for cardio and weights.  I have ten years’ worth of weight to lose, plus 14 years of muscle to build.  I certainly wish that could see results in a month; unfortunately I know that is not how it works.  Riley has joined Glee club at school and loves it.  She is really doing well.  A bright young girl she is.  Kenet, well  he’s a typical seven year old, friends are more important than anything.
This weekend our family is traveling down to the city to visit family.  It’s a three hour drive and we do not go up there very often.  We plan on staying with his dad Thursday and Friday, in which we will celebrate our nephews 16th birthday, and hang out with his sister.  Jerry's family is practicing members of the LDS church, sometimes it can be akward to hang out with them, especially becuase I smoke, and love to drink coffee.  I am not exactly sure of what our plans are with his family. 

We will then stay with my mother Saturday and Sunday.  My mom is one of two people who know about Jerry and I.  She has many questions and wants to take Jerry out Saturday afternoon for drinks.  My mom  is very liberal, and is the typical mother-in-law.  Jerry and her relationship has definitely had it’s fair share of ups and downs.  He has started to like her more since we moved down here.  I think their relationship will get better now.  She accepts him, and loves him for who he is.  Jerry is glad that she supports his decision, even though she is my mom.  He was actually surprised at how well she has taken the news.  Jerry and my mom have known each other for 16 years.
I am still having a hard time getting over the fact that Jerry wants to leave me.  I have placed our situation in two bubbles, outside of the box, in my head.  The first bubble defines the situation that,  Jerry is leaving me, that I am not good enough for him, and he will move on.  That bubble has a lot of sadness, self-doubt, anger, and some confusion on how this could have ever happened.  The next bubble is the denial bubble and defines that  Jerry needs me as much as I need him, he will realize this and he will choose never to leave me.  I know that we could make a Mixed Orientation Marriage work.  These bubbles that I have placed outside the box I know are unhealthy bubbles.  I try not to think about these now, but will save them for when I am stronger and am able to deal with them in a healthy way. 

My box, right now, focuses on making me a better person, helping Jerry, and making our friendship stronger.  I still can not see the friendship Jerry wants as working for us.  He or I, even though I have no interest in moving on, will move on and find “new” people.  When this happens the time Jerry is so used to spending with me will be spent with his new partner.  When this happens, I know that the relationship he pretends to see will never be.
This weekend Jerry and I are going to a gay bar.  It should be lots of fun!  I have wanted to go to a gay bar with friends forever, but Jerry never wanted to come.  I am so excited to finally go.  We are not really bar people, so I am sure this isn’t our scene.  We have never been to a gay bar before, we are unfamiliar with terms and lingo, it will be different.  I am going as his friend, and if needed his lesbian friend.  When it is time for Jerry to meet an actual person, I am sure he will meet them through a club, hiking, gym, snowboarding ect.

I won’t post again until we get back.  Wish us luck, and a great time!  Jerry for the first time in 10 years is super excited about going to a bar!!!!!  Yeah, me!

Thanks to everyone who leaves comments, I really appreciate it, and I really appreciate that you read my blog.  Thank you.          

Monday, November 7, 2011

I pre-wrote something the other day.  It doesn’t fit now, three days have passed.  Funny, how much feelings and thoughts can change so rapidly when I am so confused, upset, hurt and maybe even angry.  It was about how life could be for Jerry and I.  The different options we could take, the options I would prefer.  Let’s get real though, after my last post we all know that none of it is true.  I have no choices, they have already been made.  It is my turn to simply accept them, confirm them, make Jerry confirm them, and then move on.  Don’t forget Jerry and I are still “together” and will be for at least the next year.
Saturday Jerry and I got into an argument about this same topic.  I know, that gut feeling I talked about, that Jerry is leaving.  I know that he will move out when we are settled.  I know he doesn’t want to leave.  He doesn’t see any other plausible way to go about this situation, we find ourselves.  He doesn’t feel an MOM will work for us.    He won’t admit to me or himself that he is leaving though. 

He wants to say that he loves me and he is not leaving me.  He wants to “think”…….that “our” relationship will continue, the strong and eternal friendship we have built will “survive” this.  His feelings I don’t feel are an accurate representation of “our” future.  You can see this when you read Conflicting Clarity, you can see that this dream, isn’t plausible.  I read this blog, I started from the beginning and I am not through it yet, but everytime I read a passage or a story, I feel that K and Jims relationship has gone through changes, I think they are both accepting of it now, but reading this blog, reading into my life, I don’t know that what Jerry, “thinks” is plausible.  I also know that no two relationships are alike.    
Jerry, “thinks” that will remain the best f friends.  That I will be able to Skype him at night before I go to bed so we can maintain our “nightly” talks.  He believes that we will do dinners the way we do now.  He feels that he will take me on vacations alone, still go on family vacations, and be who we are now, just in separate homes.

I told him, “I know you are leaving me, that our marriage is ending, my gut tells me so.  If, I was wrong, I believe you would know without a doubt that you love me, you want to stay committed to me, and you would fight to keep our marriage alive.”  You would entertain the idea of an MOM.  This leads me to believe that you have already made a decision.  You are going to leave.”. 

Jerry yelled, “I am not leaving!!!  Stop, saying that!!!”.
I yelled at Jerry,  “You have lost your marbles!  What do you call it when someone says I want to move out?  Do you call that staying with them?  I love you, and the thought of you leaving my home to live somewhere else makes me angry, it hurts and right now I don’t like you for that.  I don’t know that I will continue being your friend if that is the choice you decide upon.  I don’t want to be angry or vindictive because I am hurt.  I don’t want to continue our marriage.  All I want is to work on our friendship so that in a year, two years when you walk out of my home, I will be able to accept it, and still love you and not be blinded by the hurt this is causing.  If in two years you decide this is not what you want, to leave then we will make compromises and we will work through this together, while “staying” together.  You will need to re-commit to me, because as of now our marriage is over, the commitment we made on our wedding day is null and void.  If you figure out that I am enough for you then you can re-marry me.  If you decide otherwise, I will have already a year or two to have accepted this fate, of you leaving.  Hopefully by then I will not be angry like I am now.”

Jerry understood where I was coming from, and for now we have agreed that our marriage is over, even though we stay committed to each other for the next year.  We have decided to “open” our marriage completely, so that all options and possibilities are available to the both of us.  So that if opportunities arise they will not be passed over but can be accepted and we can learn how to move forward with our lives.

I have started working on “Letting Go”.  I posted the information for those who need help letting go.  I found it very interesting, and it defined me to a T.  I wrote responses down to each of the questions, on how I felt, I worked it like a worksheet.  I am working on finding myself again, and now that I have told Jerry, how I feel about him leaving,  I feel like I can truly start to accept my reality, my fate, my destiny. 
After our argument, I took him to the grocery store, to show him how I shop, coupons, ads ect.  Then we went to the mall and Jerry bought me some VS lounge pants and sweatshirt.  It was cold this weekend, and it makes me feel good to buy something every now and then.  It was nice, to go shopping with my gay best friend!  We love each other with all our hearts, I know this.  I know this is just a situation, and that no one is to blame!    

My feelings, my doubts, my anger (that I try to hide), my sadness, my joy, and my confusion are all real feelings.  I contradict myself, because what I write about, what I say are feelings, they are true and they are raw.  They are irrational, raw, feelings.  Logically, I know what ever I say now on this blog are just feelings.  These emotions that I am having will subside and Jerry and I will always be friends.  He is not just a husband, or a friend but he is my soulmate.  He is not just a piece of my heart that I can break off and live without and move on.  He is embedded in my heart, he is interwoven in my heart, he is “The Fabric of my Life”, he is in it everywhere, there is no breaking that piece off and moving on without him.  It is not just an ex-husband, or boyfriend, or best friend, or mother, sister relationship it is so much deeper than that, I was bonded to Jerry before we had children, our children strengthen that bond, but they didn’t create it, it was there with or without children we would still be emotionally attached.  I know this without a doubt.  I know that we will forever and always be more than Friends.  I know that what Jerry sees of us in the future will exist, because our bond isn’t simple, our relationship will never be either.  It won’t be easy, we will have ups and we will have downs, but I know that the love we share will always be.  If our friendship is anything like our marriage, we will both be happy, we will remain the best of friends, and we will probably even enjoy one another’s company even more than we have the past 16 years.   
We have been honest and open for 39 days.

Saturday, November 5, 2011

A Life Fulfilled
I’m tired!  I’m tired!  I’m frustrated!  Buddy Bear this post isn’t directly related to what you said but it is.  It is also related to any gay/bisexual man in a heterosexual marriage who has or is thinking about coming out to their wife. 

First of all, yes my husband does deserve the respect, for having values.  He can not sleep with two people at once, great he deserves respect for that, kudos to him.  Have we forgotten though, that he made choices in his life that brings “us” to this place!  He chose to marry, not being 100% in love, or attracted to me.  He chose to keep his “life” a secret from me, even though when we said our wedding vows, we promised we wouldn’t keep secrets, or divorce or separate or have feelings for another person, sexual in nature or not.  He didn’t keep those vows.  So do I still give him, Kudos for being respectable and having values?  If he can break the sacred values of marriage, don’t you think it would be okay to sleep with two people?  I’m straight!  I didn’t look at other men in a sexual manner, I never thought about carrying on an emotional connection with another person, stronger than what I have with my husband.  Respectable?  No, I disagree.  He chose to not be honest.  I didn’t have a choice!  I fell in love with him, he didn’t give me an opportunity or a choice to emotionally distance my heart.  He had the choice though!  Respectable?  No!
I have been around the block, I have dated many a men.  A heterosexual man who will love me 100%.  Wishing!  Why does everyone say this?  This isn’t a perfect f@#*ing world.  Don’t try to make yourself feel better, by insisting that we are going to find “love” again.  It doesn't change the choices you/he made.  This shouldn’t help you/him sleep better at night!  I don’t want to find love again!!!  I would rather live alone for the rest of my life, than to find some man who watches sports too much, doesn’t talk me, could care less about what I have to say, and uses me simply for sex.  Yes, the sex probably would be 100% better, but is that what I am really looking for?  No.  If I married again I will just have to cook, and clean and cater to another man, I am not doing that again!  ALL MEN, regardless of sexual orientation, are SELFISH!  Women always have to cater.  Not me, not again!  So don’t tell me that I will find someone else!  That doesn;t make this situation, right.  I am "in love" emotionally, I married for the right reasons!  Sex, isn't everything.  SELFISH!!!!!

It is a long process of falling out of “love”.  It is really sad that I will be the only one in the relationship that will have to go through this!  Yes, me and me alone.  This is again fair to me, right?  Fair, that I am the one who has to fall out of “love”?  I wouldn’t have been this much in love with him, if he would have been honest in the first place.  Respectable?  Questionable!
You are right about one thing we will always be in each others lives, because we have children. 

Thinking about him leaving me angers me!  So what I say next comes out of anger, and hurt, this may or may not be true, but it is the way I feel right now!
You said, “You can have it all, you know, but just in a slightly different arrangement than you have now.”.

Wow, what a f@#*ing concept!  I never thought about that.  I can have it all.  No I can't,  you're forgetting, I can not have it all.  If he chooses to leave I will not have him, in the way that I desire.  I still lose!!!!!  Did you not think about that.  We straight wives still lose!  We get to see the men we love with all our hearts, deeper than you/he could possibly ever imagine, move on and create a relationship with someone else, a relationsip that we disired, needed, and wanted from you/him.  We get to stand by and watch you/him love another right in front of our eyes.  What is our choice in all this.  We don’t have one, we have to stay and watch this happen, because I have children, and can not move away, it wouldn’t be fair.  While working a full time job, I get to have the kids live with me alone, I get to make dinner every night, clean, laundry for three, get the kids ready for school, take them to school, pick them up from school, help with homework, make sure they take showers, brush their teeth and every other responsibility that I have now, but now I have to do this alone, except the few nights a week when they go to dads.  Not only do I have the same responsibilities as I do now, but now I  will have to do them alone 90% of the time, while watching my husband, the man I love create a “new” life with his “new” love.  I have to put my feeling aside so he can be happy.  What about me?  How is this fair to me?  Yet I can have it all, just a little bit different.  You know that is such a selfish statement, that only men think of!  Whatever helps you guys sleep at night, it doesn’t make it easier for us!!!!!  Don’t fool yourself into thinking that all will be okay!  It never will be, no matter what the choice is!  Someone will always have to lose.  It’s not a perfect world and not everyone gets to be happy, someone loses, someone will have to compromise and give something up.  Sorry, that statement wasn't accurate, if the gay spouse leaves, the straight spouse has to give something up, becuase the gay spouse gets everything.  They get their former spouse, as friend, they don't have to lose out here, becuase they didn't love they way the straight spouse did, and now they also get another partner, with less family responsibility.  But I still can have it all! 
You guys made a choice, leaving your wife no choices.  You guys suffered silently with your same sex attractions.  It was your choice to suffer silently, it was your choice to marry, I didn’t ask my husband to marry me.  He chose to marry me.  Because you guys couldn’t be “real” with yourselves and your feelings, now I/we must suffer.  Yet I can have it all.  Thank you, thank you for allowing me, “to have it all”.  Thank you for allowing me to live this life, a life I will find so much joy in because now I get to have some of the “best” sex ever.  I mean SEX, that is all there is to love and this life right, to have great sex.  This is all anybody desires in life.  Sexual orienation isn't supposed to define someone, but their feeling regarding sex.  Emotional love can from a man or a woman regardless of sexual oreintation.  Thanks for playing the game.  I'm done and I am moving on, becuase I decided that I am a gay man whose sexual desires are more important than any emotional desire of being with you.  Thats what I get. 

Do NOT tell me everything will work out, that I can have it all, that I will get passed this.  I will have to deny myself the love that I DESERVE becuase he is gay.  Isn't that the same thing most gay guys say, I have been denying myself love/sex with a man.  Well, now I get to deny myself, so thank you, thank you so much for your choice!  Thank you very much!!!!!