Monday, October 31, 2011


I am not in a better place, my heart still hurts and I am still sad.  I do however understand my feelings more, and through this maybe I can start moving forward.  I have been feeling angry, mad, upset and most of all just hurt, jealous even.  I went to church on Sunday.  It was good for me!  Let go and Let God he heals all in time.  

When I walked in to church I had visions of all that Jerry never did for me, the love he held back for me, I saw things I never realized.  When Jerry first told me he was gay, he asked me a question, “How could you love someone so much, when they never reciprocated that same love back to you?”  I didn’t have an answer for him I never saw it that way.  I thought he loved me just as much as I loved him.  I am not trying to make us sound perfect, we weren’t perfect but I truly thought he loved me the same way I loved him.  I didn’t realize that he didn’t until I walked into church yesterday.  He didn’t hold my hand didn’t cuddle with me at the end of the night, never kissed me, the little things that most couples have.  I knew he was distant, I knew he didn’t want to let me in.  I thought it had to do with his mother’s death at 14.  I thought he didn’t want to let me in all the way because he couldn’t, due to this.  I prayed that he would one day let me in, and the day he let me in, it would complete us.  He would allow himself to love me the way he hadn’t all these years.  The more he distanced himself the more I loved him. 

The love I have for Jerry is “Unrequited love”.  Unrequited Love is love that is given to another deeply even though that love given is not being reciprocated.  The person is usually aware that the love is not being reciprocated but still gives the love in hopes that one day it will be.  The person wants, desires, and prays that eventually the love they feel will be reciprocated. According to Wikipedia, “ Nietzsche, considered that " the lover is his unrequited love, which he would at no price relinquish for a state of indifference.”.

On that note I watched a couple of movies this weekend.  Yes, Brokeback Mountain and Latter Days.  Both were good and helped me understand my feeling in the situation, I find myself.  I know that Jerry and I will be friends.  I know that my heart hurts because the one thing that I desired most from Jerry, is the one thing he is unable to give not because of his mother’s death but because he is gay.  The love that you find in these two movies is what I think Jerry is looking for.  I will never be able to give him that, as much as I want to.  I will never be able to fill that place in his heart.  As he will always be unable to fill that place in my heart.  It hurts to see the bond that these men had for one another, to see how I will never fit in to this.  I will always just be the “good friend”…………. 

Staying with Jerry now, will be challenging.  It is difficult feat for me.  To change my love for him, to accept that he will never love me this way, to accept that I do not complete him.  It would be easier to get the hell outta dodge………..  To leave, to not look back, to heal my heart alone.

We have children, we have bond that is strong, and I will stay and face these feelings and eventually move forward, today I am sad, I will probably be sad tomorrow, and maybe even a month from now, that is okay.

I don’t know if I should post this.  I found this written on Wives of Bi and Gay Husbands.  The writer of it I found inspirational.  She really gets in and this helped me to understand where Jerry is coming from.  I don’t know who reads my blog but if there are other straight spouses who read this maybe this will help you to identify with your spouse like it helped me.  Thank V.  for painting the picture and helping me to understand my husband more.  I have copied and pasted the following passage:
“Look at it this way. Imagine you suddenly found yourself stranded on a desert island, inhabited only by other women. Even though you are very definitely heterosexual, over time, you might find yourself quite lonely. One woman in particular seems to understand you. You feel a special closeness to her. She is your best friend. You can confide in her. She doesn't judge you. You enjoy her company. You want to make her happy. And she seems to take great pleasure in your

happiness, too. Having your companion to rely on makes your everyday survival on this barren place a little bit more bearable, even enjoyable.

Eventually, out of loneliness on your side, perhaps, or maybe feeling the pressure of the other couples on this island, you and she succumb to the physical side of your relationship. Again, you want to make her happy -- and this seems to. You do love her, so this sexual act that once  seemed so foreign and taboo to your heterosexual side, is at least palatable. As you become more accustomed to her body and her desires, you can anticipate what she wants. You find you can even orgasm with her, though in the back of your mind you know it's not quite fulfilling totally.

So life goes on like that for a while. You and your helpmate are lovers, friends, companions -- happy together.

Then one day, out gathering food and firewood, you climb a hill and discover in the valley below... MEN. Strong, lean, muscular, tanned men. Men of every shape and size. Men with hair and men without.  Clean men and sweaty men. Laughing men and stern men. You peer over the hill in amazement. MEN! You feel a churning in your loins you haven't felt in a very long time. You do nothing but watch. Gasp at your good fortune. But then, out of nowhere the image of your helpmate's face comes into your mind, and you are filled with guilt.

Slowly, you make your way back to your hut on the other side of the island. Filled with confusion and misplaced guilt, you turn over the day's events in your mind. Try to figure out your feelings. You love your helpmate -- but there are MEN! Your helpmate senses your distraction, but you pooh-pooh her concerns.

A day or two pass and you finally get the courage up to ask the other women of your village about the men. No one seems to be as surprised at their presence as you were. Nor does anyone else seem to be preoccupied with them as you are.

Days pass. You tell yourself you will put them out of your mind, but you can't. You find yourself drawn back to that little knoll with the view of the MEN. Make excuses to go back. Each time emboldened a little bit more -- and a little bit more guilt-ridden.

Back at the camp, you know your helpmate is preparing the evening meal, repairing the hut's roof, doing all the things a good helpmate should do. You remind yourself you've done nothing wrong, yet can't help feeling the slightest bit of remorse. All the justifications in the world can't seem to assuage your guilt. Still, that doesn't stop you from venturing over to the men's camp, more and more often.

One day, spying on the men, one of them approaches you. Seems he has noticed you for a while, without your being aware of it. That close to a man awakens something in you you've forgotten you were capable of feeling. The musky scent, the rippling muscles, the man-hair in all the right places. The yearning is not like you feel with HER. It is different. Primal. Natural. Unforced.

It feels so right ... and yet... your helpmate.

What to do?

I don't know. I guess that's where many of our husband's stories are.
Hope this helps……………

Thursday, October 27, 2011


I am not dweilling on my situation anymore.  I am not blogging or looking at blogs for a week.  I am going to create a diet and fitness plan on SPARKPEOPLE.  I am going to catch up on my schooling, clean my house, and move forward.....  ABOUT TIME!!!!  Thanks T.

To Take the Path Never Traveled

If only I could turn off my thoughts like I can a television.  Too bad I can not.  So, of course, I sit here thinking, analyzing, and wondering.  Wondering about all things I have no control over.  I need to give up the control already.

God, he gives me more than I can handle!  He gives me more than I can handle so I will find my way back to him.  I am going to church on Sunday.  I find myself needing God more in times of struggle.  I think he gives me more than I can handle, because he wants me to need him, to seek him, and to believe in him.  Most of the time I can live my life without a God, but in times of hardships, I seek him out to live my life according to his plan.  I try to control my life too much, when things like this happen, I realize that God is the one truly in control.  It makes me feel better, to believe in something more, to believe in pre-destined plan. 

I have been watching the Oprah life classes.  The one I watched the other day was on anger with Terry McMillian the writer of How Stella Got Her Groove Back.  She was married for eight years to her younger lover, who confessed after 8 years that he was gay.  She was angry!  You could see the fire in her eyes.  I could relate to this anger.  I am not angry with my best friend, I am angry at myself.  I need to let go of my guilt and my anger and move forward accepting the choices that I had previously made, acknowledging the choices I have in front of me, weighing the consequences of my actions now and simply move forward, without anger or guilt.

What am I talking about…….

Up until I turned fourteen my life was strong, I grew up with good morals, friends, and knew where my life was headed.  When I turned 14, my life changed.  I met Jerry.  I was in a bad place, many things had occurred this year which changed my thinking.  I had a choice.  I chose to go with the crowd at school that was, the stoner group.  Through this group I met Jerry, who was also in a bad place.  Jerry and I hit it off, and we had so much fun when we were together.  We “fooled” around, not often and I never intended it to be more than just friends “fooling” around.  Everyone in the group we hung out with was having sex and such, and I wanted to be like them.  I was taught sex was just that, sex.  Boyfriends come and go and only friends stick around.  Jerry was the friend that I NEEDED in my life, not a disposable boyfriend. 

I feel like I played my cards wrong.  I speak for Jerry when I say this, but I knew at this time in our life that he was attracted to me, I also knew that if I let it, we could have been more than friends.  I didn’t and I started sleeping around, not with Jerry.  I think that this hurt Jerry, because again we had an attraction towards one another, and at this time Jerry liked me “in that way”.  I felt that Jerry loved me, the way I loved him.  Not knowing what “love” really was or even what it meant to truly “love” someone.  I think he felt what I felt for him back then, felt that we needed each other, the desire to be together. 

Questioning myself……………….”If only I would have lost my virginity to Jerry, things could be different right now.  I know that is this would have occurred; Jerry and I would still be together today.  I wonder how our relationship would be different.  Would it have been better?”………………

Our friendship continued until we were nineteen.  Jerry and I were friends and I slept with everyone but him, until the night came when Jerry was over and we started talking about sex, we ended up having sex.  My worst fear came true after this night, I lost Jerry as a friend.  We didn’t speak for 6 months after we did the “deed”……  This is just what happens when sex gets involved.  I already knew that.  I was taught that sex ruins any friendship.  That’s what I knew, that’s how I was raised……………….Fast forward…..  The end of the story is Jerry and I got married, and now we are here.

The guilt I can’t seem to let go of.  Jerry should have been my first, my only.  I feel as though when I was doing these things that I hurt Jerry.  I feel that the feelings we felt when we were fourteen, were real.  I knew he was always going to be in my life.

 I always carry the guilt around with me, the guilt of not allowing Jerry to cross the “friend” boundary years ago.  This happened 16 years ago, I am thirty now, and there is not a week that has gone by that I don’t think, “How things could have been so different”.  This is even before Jerry came out to me.  The guilt I feel for past transgressions is sometimes a lot to bear, how could I have treated someone whom I loved so much, so badly?  I have come to the realization that I deserve to feel this way.  Reflecting on my past choices, this is the life I chose with my decisions, I deserve to feel hurt.  I know that I hurt Jerry, the way that I am hurt now.  I know this isn’t his fault, he didn’t choose to be gay, and I know he would never purposely hurt me, I didn’t purposely hurt him all those years ago either.  I know that this is the life I am supposed to live, I know that this pain will go away, I also know undoubtedly that I deserve to feel this!

Through Oprah and her life class, it made me realize that I need to let it go, accept the choices I have made in life, and stop trying to look back to change it.  You can not predict a future that was never lived.  Let it go already it has been 16 years!!!!

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Caged Bird
Jerry and I have been talking a lot.  I have been upset and he is nice enough to be my support.  I love him, I always will.  You need to know that when Jerry and I married, we married as best friends.  I don’t believe that we were infatuated as many others are; we weren’t “in love” either, we plain and simply best friends.  I knew that I needed Jerry to always be in my life, his friendship was important to me, and I knew that if I didn’t marry him he would marry another and in turn our friendship would disintegrate.

I did throughout the years fall “in love” with Jerry.  While I was falling in love Jerry was always guarded never fully trusting my love for him.  I am speaking for Jerry I don’t know that he feels this way for a fact.  Anyhow, our marriage is over.  Our marriage can’t continue Jerry is gay. 

I feel like in our marriage I kept Jerry caged.  I had a view of what a marriage should be, and I kept us both in this cage.  I didn’t support Jerry the way I should have, I didn’t allow us out of this cage, I felt safe, and Jerry would say that he felt safe too.  Jerry wanted to venture out into the world, become a pharmacist, own his own business and really make his mark on the world.  I on the other hand said no, there is no time for you to try and make your mark; your sole job is to support me and the children.  To support us you need to do this job, because you already started it, it will be financially lucrative.  Jerry agreed and continued on the path he already started.  It is a good job, I think Jerry enjoys it.  If I was a good wife, a non-selfish being I would have instead supported Jerry and his dreams, no matter the cost.  Three years ago I decided that I was wrong for what I did t Jerry and at that instant I decided to always support Jerry and his dreams, I would never deny him of anything ever again.  I am sorry I did this to you Jerry, and know you said we made these plans together, and it was fate that it happened this way but the truth is I didn’t support you the way I should have I was selfish, and for that I am sorry.  I will let you be free, I will unlock the cage I have kept us in. 
I will not stay married to Jerry because I will not keep him caged.  Throughout our marriage I have always felt that Jerry needed to go out into the world and experience life the way I had.  Jerry deserves to live this life of his, Jerry deserves to be free.  I know that you will always come back to me for we will always be "special" friends.  We will get past this emotional turmoil we will get through it together. 

How is it that Jerry can know me.  I mean he really knows me, he knows how I feel, can finish my sentences, he even knows what I am thinking but when it comes to something that matters to me in an emotional way he doesn’t get it?  Like birthday presents, I want a birthday gift that Jerry picks out because it means something to him.  We were discussing rings yesterday and I want a new ring.  He doesn’t get it though.  I don’t want to tell him, the reason because then it won’t really matter anymore.  It would be like telling him I want pajamas for my birthday, I could just go buy them myself.  If I have to tell you what I want then there is no meaning when I receive it.

So I know this is stupid, but hear me out.  I have a wedding ring that I will no longer be able to wear.  This wedding ring has been the most important piece of Jewelry that own, it symbolizes my love for Jerry and my commitment to him.  I don’t want to throw into a drawer, to never think of it again, I want to remember what we had, what we will have.  I really want Jerry to trade it in.  He can buy two new rings and diamond earrings; I already picked it all out.  Shut up and just listen.

I want a new ring because I loved my wedding and never thought I would ever trade it in or give it up, my wedding ring symbolized Jerry’s love for me and the commitment we made to each other.  I thought I would wear it forever.  I want a new ring because it will remind me every day of what I have with Jerry.  I want it to fit on my middle finger on my right hand, so no this new ring will not symbolize a wedding commitment.  I want a new ring to symbolize our new life with revamped commitments.  I stand true to the commitments I made Jerry the day married; I meant them I will always stand by them.  Marriage is a piece of paper; marriage is a man and women who don’t have what I have with Jerry.  I don’t need to be married to make commitments to Jerry and stand by them; he will always be more than a friend.  Jerry is interwoven throughout my heart.  I cannot just break that piece off and move on, he will always be in me.  I want a “new” symbol a “new” commitment of our life together.  It means something me and I don’t why, but it does.  Am I being stupid?  Can you understand this?  Am I expecting too much?

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Stuck in Motion

So I think I have hit my angry spot in life.  I feel angry and mad that this situation is happening.  I feel stuck in motion.  I feel like I am stuck in place and everything around me keeps moving.  People go on with their days as if nothing in my life is occuring.  I don't expect people to stop, for heaven's sake nobody knows what is going on in my life.  Even if I were to tell someone, their life won't stop for me. 

I can't move past this place becuase I am stuck.  We have no groups or support groups down here.  We have no friends and really no life here.  Where we live now was only a stopping place to further Jerry's career.  It was a necessary move for a miunte.  So what are we doing?

We are waiting in motion.  We are watching the lives of others move about as we wait for our next move.  We can't move forward until we actually move.  I know when we move and get settled back into our "old" life, and move back into our "old" house we can then and only then move forward with our "new" life.

We experianced to many changes in our life to upset the balance of our children right now.  We need them to feel secure.  I know moving back to our "old" of living will help them to feel secure.  We also won't be stuck in 900 sq. ft. apartment.  I know that once we move back into our "old" neighborhood with our friends, and our children's friends, and they back to ther "old" school, Jerry and I can  finally go to support groups, join a club together, make new friends together and apart and start creating a balance between our old life and our "new" together. 

I look forward to not feeling stuck anymore.  Two and a half months left until this happens.  Lets just get through these two and a half months.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Straight vs. Curved
So Friday was a bad day, a lot of crying on my end.  Hubby and I talked and somehow or another he assured me, that we will get through this together.  I have to admit it though I was trying my hardest to get through this with ease and some of my decisions haven’t been the brightest.  I started looking at Match, Chemistry, Speed Dating and Singles websites.  At first it was to see what kind of single men are still available, then I was receiving so many compliments that I became very intrigued.  I started chatting and the next thing I knew I wanted to go out with some of these men.  Not for sex, but to go out and see what it would be like.  I didn’t go out with them because a small part of me wanted to go F*** some random guy because I felt this was the only way to get Jerry mad enough at me that he would just end up leaving.  I wanted so badly to push Jerry away because I know that this would be the easy way out.  We both know that in a sense walking away from it all would be the easiest route.  Not the right way by any means, but the easy way.  Needless to say, we talked about this and I decided to cancel these lame accounts, and move forward feeling emotions that I have always tried to suppress.  To feel the hurt, the pain, the disappointment that life can bring sometimes.

On that note, we had a great day yesterday as a family.  We bought costumes for the kids, went to the Olive Garden for some grub, and went on a scary Halloween Hay Ride.  We all had blast.  We came home and about ten, Jerry decided that he was hungry so Jerry and I went to BW’s had some potato wedges, water and a snickers pie.  We talked and had a really great time with each other.

Minus all the emotions that I feel for Jerry and the new situation we find ourselves in I wanted to explain why I feel that my Gay husband is better than your Straight husband.  I have many friends, acquaintances and let me tell you, they talk non-stop about how their husbands SUCK.  First of all, I never can join in on their conversations because my husband is nothing like what they complain of.  For instance, I joined a Bunco group and once a month it is held at someone’s home.  When it was at my home my husband came home from work at 5:30, helped me finish preparing the food and helped me to finish setting up.  When they arrived he took over, like a host would.  He made sure everyone had drinks, came out of the kitchen to offer people seconds, and then, when we were all done eating he cleaned the kitchen, asked if I needed anymore help and then spent the rest of his night entertaining the kids.  How many of your straight husbands would do that?  Next, he doesn’t watch sports so my Sundays and Monday nights are not sitting in front of the tv following some lame football show, we actually hang out as a family.  My husband has great taste and helps me to look the best I can or the particular even I must attend.  He irons, which I suck at, he is actively involved in our family, whether it’s participating at our children’s school, or going to activities his entire being is involved and genuinely wants to be.  He likes to read, he’s intelligent, gets along with everyone, makes sure that I am satisfied in the bedroom it is not all about him, like most men like to think.  Again, he is better than your straight husband.  There are many more qualities to him that I admire and appreciate but I don’t have more time to write them all down and really don’t want to bore you or make you jealous.  To end this, I don’t know that I will ever fall in love again, because, my gay husband is better than your straight husband and I don’t know that I could settle for anything less than I have.  If I did ever find that perfect man again, I am sure, he too, would probably be gay.        

Friday, October 21, 2011

Hanging out

I plan to hang out with my family this weekend.  Other than that I'm still confused, and trying to figure things out.  Where do I really stand? 

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Stuck in Jam
I feel stuck!  I feel like I need to know more.  I feel, like I am stuck in jam.  Sticky, strawberry jam.   

Thank goodness for all the blogs out there on this subject.  I wish Google made these blogs more apparent.  People who just find out that their spouse is gay, have no immediate information.  The information on Google, I found useless.  The information on SSN, I found useless.  It is the blogs of Gay men, married Gay men, and married Gay men and their Straight wives who give the most powerful insight into my own life.  In reading different blogs, I have come to the realization that I am not alone.  Many of the blogs I read, pull at my heart because I am there.  I am living your life now, the life you lived 5 years ago, 3 years ago or even 18 months ago.  Your struggles, I am struggling with now.

I read the blog Good To Be Free today.  Different Kinds of Love  
I really liked the understanding that she brings to the different kinds of love.  I think everyone can understand that kind of love.  I can.  I also know that it is hard to comprehend it.  When you are dating, the love you build between you and a boyfriend is strong, powerful but the love you build throughout marriage is much deeper.  When you find out the love, your spouse has for you, is that of a “Great” friend, it is more painful than just a love of a past boyfriend.  I thought I built a connection with my spouse that was strong, pure, and unbreakable.  The connection I thought was unbreakable, shattered into pieces. 
As when anything shatters you pick up the peices, sometimes you just throw them away and sometime it can salvaged.  I will pick the peices of my so called marriage and glue them back together.  Not to maintain my marriage but to create a differant peice from it.  Sometimes I am unable to put it back together or even make something new becuase there are too many pieces shattered.  A lot of pieces shattered here, I am not sure how many.  I can see it whole again, but there will always be pieces missing, and it will never look the same.  I wonder if I will be able to find the beauty in it the way I did before?  Will I be able to enjoy it and look at it everyday, like I did before even though it’s different and unique? 

When something breaks I try to fix it or make it into something new, but it is never the same as it was when it was whole.  Sometimes I can not find the beauty in the new peice and eventually I end up throwing it away and replacing it with something else.  Right now, I hope, that I will be able to find the new beauty that shattered pieces of my life bring.   

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Broken Down

Okay so I write.
Logically, I have been writing trying to leave my emotions stuck in place.  My mind is strong!  I believe everything that I have written is true.  My mind tells me that this is the only logical way to feel.  To be positive, concrete in my beliefs and soon all the other emotional turmoil that I am feeling will dissipate.  My mind tells me not to dwell on the turmoil.  Don't think to much or try to understand it.  Just keep going and it will all be okay.

My heart and my body tell me otherwise.  My heart constantly hurts.  My heart wants the unattainable.  Most days it feels as though my heart will jump out of me.  It just throbbs, right there in my chest.  I can feel the thudding, its hard, I can hear pounding it's loud.  I think this is anxiety.  My chest is tight, and it feels like adrenaline is rushing through my viens. 

My body feels nauseated all the time.  I force feed myself because I know I need to eat.  I find myself being picky over the foods I eat becuase my body is telling me don't eat that you'll puke.  My muscles ache.  My eyes are tired.  I have lost 10 pounds due to stress and lack of nutrition. 

I do not want to dwell on this emotional pain.  I want to get past it and move forward.  I don't know how long this will last.  As my grandmother used to say, "This too shall pass."


I am sad today.  I don't understand why, but I am sad.  I don't feel like writing or sharing.  Here is what I have.

Why Do I?                                                                    
Why do I smile at the sound of your voice?
Why do I let you take over me as if I had no choice?
Why do I let you touch me in places never touched?
Why do I like to have you around so much?

Why do I melt at the tenderness of your kiss?
Why do I feel like I could live forever like this?
Why do I put my heart in your hands?
Why do I answer to your every demand?

Why do I tell you leaving me is not your wrong?
Why do I let you know with out you I'm not quite as strong?
Why do I want to keep you even though I know it's not right?
Why do I feel like I should please you by not putting up a fight?

Why do I care about you even though you hurt me?
Why do I turn my head from what's plain reality?
Why do I try to hide from what is true?
Why do I still have these feelings for you?

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Open and Honest
I try to keep some aspects of my life with Jerry personal.  Some things you just shouldn't talk about.  Privacy, respect, trust are all important factors in any relationship.  Jerry told me something a couple of days ago, he didn't cheat on me, but what he told me broke my heart like he did.  I moved past it quickly, pushing all the emotions I felt aside.  He wanted me to talk to him about it, about the way I felt.  I really couldn't, I felt sick inside.  I felt like I was going to cry, tears welled up in my eyes, and my emotions wanted to come bursting out.  "How could you do this, at what I felt was one of the happiest times in our marriage?  How could you feel this way? Why?", I wanted to let out all my emotions, I wanted to scream and cry.  I have never felt in our marriage that I didn't count, that I didn't matter, until the day he told me.  (A couple of days ago, I blogged it under Secrets and Separation.)  He promised this was the last truth, he hadn't disclosed.  He said he wanted to tell me the first day we talked, but I made a comment about it with such anger, he shied away.  He volunteered to discuss it further, to let me know.  I didn't want to know any more.  I knew that my heart without knowing anything, was broken, hurt, so very much, I knew I couldn't handle knowing more.  I didn't think about it again for a couple of days.

Last night, a feeling came to me, I should delve into it more.  I un-intentionally wanted to know more, thinking it wouldn't hurt anymore because it has been a couple of days,  I delved, it hurt even more.  Knowing the truth hurt!  I cried, I became sad, it made me feel that everything I thought was true between us, was false, it was all false.  I have always trusted Jerry 100%, since he has been truthful with me now, my trust in him has gone up.  For an instant when I delved into the situation, I lost trust, my trust in him.  I carried the emotion with me last night, I didn't discuss my feelings.

This morning I woke up sad again, hurt, I felt like my heart was being torn into pieces.  I didn't discuss it, I had too many things I needed to accomplish, I didn't have time, and I don't want to continue re-hashing this.

When I came home, we talked for twenty minutes about our day yesterday, how my morning was going, and what our plans were for today.  I struggled to find the words to bring it up.  I found them, my eyes welled up as the words were coming out of my mouth.  Jerry needed to know how I was feeling.  Keeping it a secret would only eat at me, and make me angry.  I have given up the feeling of anger, I needed him to know, so I didn't have to continue to be angry, so I could let it go.

I told him the truth about how I felt.  How he hurt my feelings, how I was sad.  It helped me, letting him know how I felt.  We talked about it, and he apologized for hurting me.  He explained that it was him and not me.  Logically, I knew this already.  Emotionally though, it hurt.  It was a stupid thing to be hurt over, but I was.  I feel better now that he knows how I feel.  I feel better knowing he understands my pain.  I feel better understanding his situation from his viewpoint, and not my made up one.

I put my thoughts and feelings into Jerry's words all the time.  Most of the time the way I am looking at situation is much worse, than Jerry feels.  His viewpoint is different and I often times try to change it for what I feel and think it should be.  I just need to listen. 

My friend J from college called last night.  I talk to him maybe twice a year, more if we don't get busy in life.  Last night he told me that him and his wife got into a fight over something ridiculous, but it was a big fight, and caused them not to talk to one another for days.

The Fight:
She was studying for a test at the library and he was home alone watching their 9 month old son and 10 year old daughter.  J fed the baby snacks and while the baby ate snacks he played 20-30 minutes of video games.  Then he let the baby out and went to the other room for something when his wife came home, their ten year old daughter told the mom, that dad din't feed the baby anything but bread and played video games all day.  The mom was furious hearing this and put the baby back in the highchair, made mac-n-cheese and started to feed him.  J, thought this was weird, but didn't think anything of it.

M decided to take her anger to the next level and post her frustration on FB.  "Feeding my son, since dad neglects his nutrition to play video games all day."  M still said nothing to J about her anger.  They played out the rest of their night as they normally do, the anger kept eating away at her.  J, oblivious to anything wrong, did what he always does.  M went to bed early and J stayed up, and since everyone was sleeping decided to play video games.  M came out of the room a half an hour later even more furious than before.  Still not confronting anything (as most women normally do), she and J didn't talk for two days.  Finally J confronted the situation, and asked her. "What is wrong?'.  She exploded in hatred and anger and let him know exactly how he screwed up! 

What Really Happened:

J fed the baby a snack, because it was snack time.  The baby didn't eat the snacks so J didn't feed the baby lunch.  He figured if the baby was hungry he would have eaten the snacks, therefor he would wait a couple hours before feeding him lunch.  He played with the baby the entire time she was gone, except for when he put the baby in the highchair to eat snacks, when he decided he had a few minutes to spare to play a quick video game.  If she would have confronted the situation from the get-go they could have avoided the angry explosive fight that it came out to be.  They could have avoided not speaking to one another for two days.  Ladies confront the situation, and know the true reality of that situation, not the reality you try to make it into.

Monday, October 17, 2011

Fire, Ice and Water

What do you feel when you think of fire.  What do you see when you think fire?

What do you feel when you think of ice.  What do you see when you think of ice?
What do you feel when you think of water.  What do you see when think of water?
When I think of fire I think of red, anger, hatred.  When I see fire, I see devastation of the land, of homes.  Fire can be tumultuous.
When I think of ice I think of cold, blue, stand offish.  When I see ice, I see aloneness, I see emptiness.  Ice can be lonely.
When I think of water, I think of a waterfall, a feeling of relaxation, a feeling of life renewing.  When I see water I see, a river flowing into a stream, I see life growing and renewing itself.

When I found out Jerry was gay, I felt fire, I felt ice, and now I feel the water flowing with in me. 

If you think about these natural components in life they all take on a feeling of their own.  Fire, can devastate our world in an instant.  It is easy for fires to grow if it is fed.  Once the fire is fed, it will spread and cause more devastation.  Fire can burn for months or even years if it is not distinguished. 

 Ice is formed from water.  It is hard, it is empty, it is cold.  Alone.  Ice cannot survive in this world alone.  You have to allow ice to be kept frozen for it to survive.  If ice is left alone, there is no purpose for it here.  If it is allowed to ice will change and become its natural state again, it will become water.

Water is forever changing.  Water brings growth of new life, replenishes old lives, and keeps moving forward.  You can never change the flow of water, it will never flow backwards. 

I choose to put out the fire, I will not help it grow, I will not let it spread.  I will let ice turn to its natural state, the way it was meant to be.  I will choose to live my life like water, I will not try to go backwards in time and change the unknown, I will only move forward.  I will replenish myself, I will grow.

My relationship with Jerry is growing.  I love him.  I love what we are turning our relationship into.  We are having so much fun with each other again.  We washed our cars yesterday, it was a blast.  We competed to see who could do the best job vacuuming.  He thinks he won, but I know I did.  Afterwards we were exhausted; we came home and took a nap.  I wrapped my arms around him, and didn’t let go.  We have not cuddled in years, and I loved it.  I would much rather support him, and support us and have a closer relationship with him, than to be angry or resentful.  We were friends before we married; I know we can still be friends after this. 

I hope if you are experiencing a similar situation to mine that you too can find this peace inside yourself and turn this situation from devastation into a growing experiencing, and replenish your friendship with the man you once loved so much that you said “I do”.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Jeans Vs. Bitterness

Yesterday, Jerry and I had a great day.  We live in a small town, so for us, going to the mall is like taking a vacation.  It is an all-day expedition, considering it takes us and hour and a half to get to the mall.  We wanted to check out Express since we had a coupon $75 off a purchase of $200, plus they were having a sale.  Great deal, especially if your wardrobe is lacking.   I am trying to get the basics added to our wardrobe, the ten items that every woman and man should have in their closet.  We also went to the Buckle and each bought a pair of jeans, yes the buckle is expensive.  Ladies, if you do not own a pair of expensive jeans, go buy a pair!  There is nothing that will make you feel sexier than a great pair of jeans that make your butt look phenomenal, and fit perfect in all the right places.  It is worth every dime and this I promise the jeans will make you feel sexy.  Today, I feel like a woman!

While there, Jerry texted a co-worker of his who was also supposed to be in the city at the same time.  They quickly replied back and asked us to meet them at Red Lobster, so we did.  It was my first time really sitting down and having a conversation with her.  She is a lesbian, and her partner is wonderful.  It was a good “gay” teaching moment for my children.  I took the opportunity to exploit the situation.  My kids really enjoyed their company, so in front of everyone I told the kids they love each other like mommy and daddy do.  They are no different than us, they love each other, and just because they love the same sex doesn’t change how fun they are.  My kids seemed to really understand this and accepted them with a loving heart, no judgment; it is and was presented to them as normal.    

I am blunt person and asked many personal questions.  Jerry’s co-worker was previously married to a man; she too was trying to live the “American Dream”.  She looked at her life one day as she was walking towards her door, and as she was walking she realized that she had achieved the American Dream, she owned it all.  A great husband, nice cars, beautiful home with a picket fence, a dog, and everything that most people work so hard trying to attain, she had it.  In the midst of walking to her door she realized that there was emptiness, something that money couldn’t buy.  Long story short she divorced her husband and has now been happy in love with her current partner.  They have defined their relationship without  labels and seem to be living life, she is now living her Unconventional American Dream, and has found happiness.

Life is constantly changing, it is not until we let go of the control we thought we had, that we can truly be free and live the life we were supposed to.  I was settling in my previous life, settling for what I thought was the American Dream.  I have tried to control my life for the last 10 years.  I have been settling for less than I am worth.  I am more than just a wife, a mother and a teacher.  I was trying to live my life the way society teaches us.  I needed to be a teacher because living life on one income is challenging, no matter how much money your husband makes.  A teacher would allow me to be a stay at home mom, and a wife while being able to help out financially.  I know now, this is not the life that I was meant to live, I am worth more.  I will no longer try to control life but Let Go.  I will take the path in front of me, the path that allows me to use my talents, and share them with others.  I am not sure what that is yet, but I know that I am meant to do more in this world than what I have been setting myself up for.  When I graduate college, I will apply for law school, look at jobs and when something comes my way that intuitively feels right I am going to take it.  Don’t get me wrong you have to work hard to grab your dreams, is it worth the effort?  I know it is!  Stop settling for what you think your life should be, and see what it could be if you gave yourself a chance.
Having said that, I know that many straight wives have been deeply hurt by their spouses, and for that I am so sorry.  I understand this.  Keep in mind that the hurt you feel now will dissipate.  It is your choice how you deal with the pain you feel.  You can be bitter, and angry, but ask yourself this, where does all that bitterness and anger get you?  The answer is nowhere good.  Be constructive; embrace the positive aspects of your situation.  Know that the new life you will create for yourself will be a better life, than the one you tried to design.  It is your choice alone, how you choose to handle the devastation that you find yourself in.  If you surround yourself with angry, bitter, hateful people, you too will feel that.  Being bitter and angry isn’t a way to live life.  You know that though, so open your heart forgive your husbands for the transgressions against you, have compassion for the situation they find themselves in and embrace all the possibilities for your new life! 

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Secrets and Separation

I think everyone would agree that almost everyone has a secret that they keep.  In fact, personally, I can not name one person that I know that doesn't have a secret.

Secrets, while they are fine to hold on to, they will ultimately inhibit our lives, they will strain our relationships friends or otherwise, and they will keep us from accomplishing our dreams.

I know today, that I have been released from a life of secrets.  I know that today, my husbands life is free from secrets.  I trust him completely, and I know that he trusts me completely and through our trust our relationship will grow stronger.

Today I have learned to live my life without secrets.  I am able to live my life without secrets, because their is no judgement, only compassion, understanding, love and most importantly the strength I find inside myself, of knowing, that I am free.

Love and accept me for who I was, for who I try to be, for who I want to become.  Accept and love me for my faults, my annoying habits, for the wrongs that I have committed in my life, for the people I have helped, for the people I hurt, for the people I have wronged.  Accept me and my heart will open, my life with you I will share.

To my love:  I married you, I love and accept you.  I committed to you under God that I would stand by you through thick and thin, through richer or poorer, during your mistakes and afterward too. I stand true to the commitment I made that day to you as I said "I do".  I felt that commitment inside me and I meant every word I said, I stay committed to you.  I stay committed to you not because I have to, but because I meant every word I said that day.  Even if our marriage must fail, my commitment to you will always stand!  Thank you for setting us free from the secrets we held.  Thank you for loving me.  Forever and Always.

Friday, October 14, 2011

Unconventional "American Dream"

Finding out that your husband is gay, is not easy.  No  matter how you handle the situation, I highly recommend reading the seven stages of grief by Live Strong.  It is normal to feel angry, upset, betrayed, and hurt, however, it is not okay to live your life and make choices from these emotions.  Think logically.  Think about your children if you have them.  Try understanding the way your husband feels.  There are some blogs written by Gay Husbands that you can find on the left side of my page.  These blogs are a great source in understanding, it gives insight to the way our husbands feel.

It has only been two weeks and I am doing great today.  I started chatting with guys online, speed dating so to say.  I was desperately trying to break my connection with my  husband, in an unnatural way.  I was invited out on a date with a guy, who I was not that into.  I decided not to go, I am not ready, Jerry is not ready.  It was fun to chat though, and I canceled my account, I know that this is not the way to move forward.  My feelings feelings for Jerry won't change overnight no matter what immediate steps I take, to try and take them away.

I chose this life path with Jerry because I love him and the hurt is something I need to experience.  It would easier for us straight wives if our husbands could live life "without" for the rest of their lives, but is this fair to them?  Is fair to us to live life, "without"?  They tried to live a "normal" life whatever that is.  It didn't work.  Just because our marriage is great, doesn't mean their wasn't something lacking.  Sexually, emotionally, even in conversation when our husbands were keeping their secret.  The relationship we knew was missing "something".
The "American Dream" according to society:
Marry, procreate, 2.5 kids and a dog.  White picket fence, two cars, and financially lucrative job "you hate".  You wake up get dressed, make breakfast, get the kids off to school, work, pick the kids up from school, do homework, make dinner, take the kids to activities, come home, get the kids ready for bed, tuck them in, watch hour hour of tv, if your not fighting with your spouse over bills, or cleaning or helping out, then go to bed yourself.  Repeat.....  Maybe if your lucky enough you go on vacation once or twice a year to get away from the hum drum of what we call the "American Dream."

Just because we have been taught that this is the only productive way to live life, doesn't mean it is.  Get over the notion of what society has created the American Dream to be.  Today, I vow to live the "Unconventional American Dream".  I plan to live my life free of burdens.  I plan to teach my children to live life to their fullest potential!  I plan to teach my children that there is more than one way to live life and be happy and successful.  Today I will remember that I love my husband for who he pretended to be, for who he was, for who he is, and who he will become. Today, I will remember my dreams before the "American Dream" took over my life.  I will remember who I wanted to become, how I wanted to live life.  I will finish my college and work.  I will not pick a career that does not fulfill my life, I will not sit and watch tv, or argue about bills.  I will work to gain the relationship with my husband that we had once before, as friends. 

Today, I live my life as a straight wife, to a wonderful gay husband, a mother of two beautiful, strong, courageous children, and a student at University.  My family still lives together and my husband and I still have sex.  We are both open to dating other people, should they come along the way.  We will take life one day at a time, and live our "new" life to the fullest.  Together we will get through this, together we will make a seamless transition into our "new" life.  For today, I need to be a wife, friend and mother.  I have chores that need to be accomplished, laundry, cleaning, groceries to buy, papers to write for school, and dreams to fulfill.  Today I will remember there is more than one way to live life!

Thursday, October 13, 2011

My "AH HA" Moment
For wives out there like me there can be light at the end of tunnel.  Sure this isn't the life we imagined.  Does anyone imagine getting a divorce?  Personally, I am lucky to have such a supporting husband who is also a dedicated father.  So he's gay, it doesn't mean that we can not be friends anymore.  In fact I believe our friendship will become better as he and I can now be more open.

I told Jerry today that I wanted him to be the guy that I could call at two in the morning because I ran out of gas, and no matter what I know that Jerry will come.  Jerry laughed and replied, that's exactly what I want.  I want to be your friend that laughs at you because your were stupid enough to run out of gas.  I don't want to be the husband that annoyed because you didn't listen to me when I told you to fill up your gas tank. 

I know that Jerry and I will continue to remain close friends always and forever.  I wanted thank he Conflicting Clarity Blog for new found views.  I have been trying to envision the life that is described in this blog but I couldn't imagine it.  Thank you so much for blogging about your life.  I feel like this blog is my life, we share the same lifestyle and the same feelings.  For straight wives out there that need understanding, I highly recommend reading the following blog!

In there he states that while we are going to travel different paths in life he would like his and his wife's path to travel parallel together.  I want to travel my life parallel to Jerry's.

Okay, so my husband is my best freind in the entire world and always has been.  I could have never imagined my life without him in it, even if it were just as friends. 

What I want is for him to love me the way I love him, to want me the way I want him.  Unfortunately, he is gay and wants everything I want from him with another man.

He wants to be supportive best friends, who live next door to each other, and basically live the same life we live now just in differant homes.  I think I would like that too, becuase he would be in my life.  I believe if we had not gotten married we would still be best friends today.  We did get married though and for me the line of friendship love was crossed.  It was crossed and now I find myself deeply in love with him, over the top sexually attracted to him, and could never imagine my life without being married to him.

He on the other hand has none of those feelings for me and wants to venture off to find those with another man.  He wants everything in our relationship to remain the same between us as it is now, just in differant homes with no sexual contact.  I would love for this to work, but I can't see it right now. 

He never loved me the way I love him and I feel that he doesn't have to experiance the deep loss of the relationship that I will feel, since my feeling are so much stronger than his.  It is easier for him to be just friends becuase to him that is all we are now. 

Thinking about the man that I love create the relationship that I desired so much from him with another man, hurts.  Maybe it is becuase this is so new, that the feelings of loss are so prominant, maybe after a while that deep feeling of hurt won't be as significant.

With his plan of freindship, I think that I am being screwed.  He won't have to give up anything and I will have to give up everything, and I am left with nothing in the end.

I feel like he is using me until he finds his comfort zone.  He won't committ to our relationship, marriage now, why would he committ later.  Silly thinking.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Pretending to be Happily Married
We went to Sea world this weekend and it was fun.  It was nice to pretend to be in love, happily married with no fears or concerns.  The kids got to wade, and pet dolphins, we hung out on the beach during sunset, rode in a pedicab and my husband bought me two coach purses to end our trip.  It was amazing.  I am so thankful we were able to get away, even though it was only for a weekend.

Back to the real world and a counseling    I thought when we walked in the doors to counseling we were on the same page.  Apparently not though.  I thought he would go to counseling, and figure out what he wants his new life to be, and then we would go to couples counseling afterward to discuss how his new life can be worked in with our old life.  I was wrong though.  We are on different pages; will we ever be on the same page again?

He doesn’t want to tell people we are separated.  He says it would make it too final.  So what do you want then?  How can we pretend that we are not going through this?  Oh, I get it nothing has changed for you.  Life is the same, you don’t love me any less, you still have feelings for guys, the only difference is that you don’t have to keep a secret.  For me though, everything has changed, my whole world has changed.  Not right now, we still pretend to be with one another as you want but me for me, my love for you has got to change.

You were never in love with me, there is no need for you to change how you feel.  You don’t see it as abandonment but that is precisely what you are doing.  You are abandoning me emotionally, sexually, intimately, your will one day abandon my room, then my house, and then me.  This is how I feel.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Financial Independence

This is something I am not.  Let’s get real, I got pregnant at nineteen, married at twenty one, another child at twenty four, and a husband who is in the military.  He was enlisted so we made nothing.  I mean nothing!  At least we didn’t have to worry about a roof over our head.  I was a stay at home mom, a college drop out with no skills.  Guess what my eldest child is 10 and I have only worked for 2 years in the entire process and I only made $7.00 an hour.  So I enrolled in college to become something I had dreamt about my entire life, a teacher.  Yes, a teacher.  Well, guess what, where I live they only make $23,000 a year.  It would be financially impossible to support myself and two kids and maintain the lifestyle we are accustomed to?  I can’t even afford the house payment.  Thanks Pixomar for the pic.
So thoughts running through my head tonight, how can I make enough money to support my family?  I’ve got it, I think I can join the Air Force.  I believe that they accept people into their Officer Candidate program up until 34 years of age with a college degree.  I will definitely look into this!  If that’s true I will be only 31.5 years by the time I graduate from college. 

By joining I would be giving up a lot, my children for one.  Moving around from state to state is no way to raise kids.  It is nice to be stable.  Would I have to leave them or could I maintain a life at base near my family?  I would like to be financially stable.  It’s important!

My mom she is 50 years old.  She quit her job working at the city making $60,000 a year, ten years ago.  She married a great man 8 years ago, and today she is ready to divorce him.  She pulled out her retirement to pay off his bills when they got married, and then she used the $80,000 my dead grandmother left to her to make improvements on a house that’s not really worth more than $0.02.  My point, she will probably leave the marriage with nothing.  She is not financially independent.  What happens to her now?

Financial Independence Ladies!  It is IMPORTANT!  Where will you be in 5 years, 10 years, 50 years down the road when something in your life changes?  ME, hopefully I will be financially independent of any man!