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Friday, September 30, 2011

FRAN and Her MAN

I feel good today.  I feel better after our conversation yesterday.  I feel better knowing that you always plan to be in my life. 

Jerry, plans on buying a house next door.  He wants to come over for dinner, watch Survivor and continue the relationship we have now.  He doesn't want much to change, except that he will live in his house and date guys, and I will live in mine. 

I am not sure how that will work, but I am confident that we will figure it out together.  I am better knowing that I am not the only one who still wants sex.

I really like Fran Dresher, and Peter Marc Jacobson, it seems as though I have found that person that can help me define what we have.  They met when they were 15; they went to the same school.  They quickly became friends and fell in love.  He knew he was gay, but as society tells us we need marry, procreate and live a certain life, so he did; like my husband.  21 years with Fran.  Living a secret.  He went to psychotherapy; they told him there was no chance that he was gay.  Well, he is.  Fran says, we didn’t know who we really were, we were so young when we married.  We were both playing roles, it was almost like acting.  I relate to this!  She says now they have come into themselves, and have learned to change their relationship, into a relationship that is stronger now than it was when they were married.  I believe Jerry and I can do this too.  They both attend psychotherapy apart and together.  To get through this with only bumps and bruises, we need to go to counseling.  If we don't we could end up scarred. 

I appreciate seeing the sensitive you.  It’s nice.  I hope it continues.  You really don’t need to apologize.  When you apologize, you’re saying I am sorry I did this to you.  It’s like you’re trying to take back everything we have shared.  I’m not sorry I lived the last 10 years of my life with you.  I am not sorry that you are gay or bisexual.  Life is what it is, it is not always perfect.  Sometimes things don’t work out as we plan.  In the end it is always okay though.  It doesn’t mean that it hurts less, or is easy but it means that no matter what happens in life, people always pick themselves up and somehow manage to end up where they belong.  I am not sorry that this is happening, it’s a part life that seems challenging right now, but I know it will get better.

I will have ups and downs emotionally I know this.  I don’t know how long it will last.  It could be days, weeks, it could go away for months and then come back again.  I don’t know how I am going to feel.  I am lost.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Lost in Love

I feel lost.  I don’t know what to do!  How can my life be so complete one minute and so torn apart in the next minute.  I can’t stop crying.  I thought I was okay, I thought I was strong enough to manage this.  I am not. 


I don’t what to feel.  I am not angry or mad.  I am devastated.  I love you.  I love you with all my heart and then some.  I gave you everything I had; I gave our marriage everything I could.  You tell me that you were never in love with me.  You love me though, you love me more than a friend.  You said right now you don’t want an open marriage; you don’t want to put me first.  How was I so blind to love you much and to not even realize that you didn’t love me as much?  My dreams, our dreams will be gone. 


You don’t want to tell anyone because you’re not ready to come out of the closet, so you just pulled me in with you.  You aren’t ready to tell people we are separated because you are not ready to end it.  You want everything right now to stay the same.  It is better for you.  You’re not hiding a secret anymore.  Everything is the same for you.  I am still your wife, we are still married, we still have sex, and the only difference for you is you can be honest now.  For me though, life has changed.


 I first find out that the love of my life is gay, and will leave me.  Yes, you said you would stay with me, you will support me while I finish school, and that you are not going anywhere, right now.  You also said that when you do leave, that you will buy a house next door so we can be friends, the way we are now, just without the intimacy and sex.  My life has changed.  I still love you the way a women loves a man she is married to.  You are more than just a friend to me.  You were my life, the person I was to grow old with.  We were to buy a beautiful home, raise our children, and plan to sail around the world for retirement.  It is gone all of it gone.  Can I even separate myself from you enough to just enjoy your friendship and nothing more? 


How do I separate myself?  How do I change my love for you?  Your words said it yesterday.  I know you don’t want to hurt me, but you have, and by staying will only hurt me more.  I can’t imagine a life without you, you are my best friend.  Can I become a strong enough women to continue loving you the way I do and just be your friend.  Can I find the patience to get through this, the courage to know what to do, the strength to move forward, and the compassion to support you through this?  Can I be that women?


I am in a nightmare.  I wish I could wake up and this would all be over.  I know, I really do know, but I want you to stay with me.  I know it’s silly, I know you can’t, it wouldn’t be fair to ask this of you.  I wish I had someone I could talk to.


Slowly, we will move on with our lives separately.  I took off my wedding ring today and every time I see that it’s not there, I cry.  I feel it with my thumb and it is missing.  For a few seconds I pretend that I lost it, but I know why it’s not there, it’s just easier to pretend, and then I remember why.  I start to cry again.


When I married you I made a commitment.  I promised God that I would take you to be my lawfully wedded husband, secure in the knowledge that you will be my constant friend, my faithful partner in life, and my one true love.  You are still all of these things.  I affirmed to you in the presence of God and all who attended, my promise to stay by your side as your wife in sickness and in health, in joy and in sorrow, as well as through the good times and the bad.  I am and will continue to hold my commitment to you.  My love, my feelings have not changed for you.  Why should they?  Your gay, it wasn’t a choice you made.  It a feeling inside you.  You made the choice to marry me and hide your true feelings.  I will become strong enough to make a special relationship between us work.  Whatever that is, we will get there someday.

HE'S GAY

To begin, I have known my husband since we were fourteen.  I believe in soulmates and just knew that he was mine.  I however, did not believe in marriage at this time, and you could say I was somewhat of a hypocrit.  We were the best of friends though.  After parting ways for several years I came back to my home town when I was twenty to re-kindle our strong friendship.  I was three months pregnant when we first had sex, and as I suspected we stopped talking for a period of time. We didn’t see each other again until Riley was born.  When Riley was born Jerry came to the hospital and never left.  We began dating seriously and somewhere along the way he fell in love with Riley. 


He joined the army early in 2002, and left for basic in May.  He proposed to me Christmas Day.  We were supposed to marry when he was out of AIT in August, but a feeling came over me and I didn’t feel that August was right.  I told him February 13th on his way to visit me from AIT, that I told all of my family we were going to do a last minute Wedding Ceremony on Sunday, February 16, 2003.  He, of course, flipped out, but agreed.  We had a beautiful ceremony in his parents back yard. 


He went back to AIT, like I had envisioned he wasn’t returning home anytime soon.  His original orders were changed.  Instead of being stationed in the states he left for Korea, a 1 year unaccompanied tour.  Looking back, it was fate or destiny that we even got married.  Life, us, would have changed had he gone to Korea without us being tied in marriage. 


8 years later he tells me, “That’s when I found out that I was quite possibly GAY”. 


Even now, knowing that our marriage simply cannot work, I am glad we married, and that fate brought him to me.  Look at all I have gained, a loving, kind, caring husband and yes he is better than any straight husband.  We have a beautiful son together, Kenet.  The life we built together is amazing.  I wouldn’t change the life we have lived for anything.


He didn’t make this choice, to be attracted to other men, it just is.  He tried living a normal life with me, he tried fighting the feelings.  He kept his secret for 8 years, longer I am sure, but eight years since he really knew.  I am not mad, or angry I am hurt.