Saturday, January 1, 2011

Letting Go, By Livestrong: My answers are capitalized and bold.

What is letting go of the uncontrollables and unchangeables?
Letting go of the uncontrollables and unchangeables in life is the:

Admitting the obvious truth--that you are not responsible to affect a change or correct a problem which is beyond your competency, power, authority or responsibility.  I AM NOT IN CONTROL!

Releasing over-responsibility--giving permission to yourself to be free from an overresponsible sense of obligation, duty or requirement to make everything "perfect" in your life and the life of others.

No perfectionism--allowing yourself to rid yourself of the perfectionistic need to control every aspect of your life so that nothing goes "wrong" in it.  I CONTROL EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE, SO THAT NOTHING GOES WRONG.  I MAKE PLANS, I MAKE BACK-UP PLANS NOT JUST B, BUT C,D,E,F,AND G.  I DO THIS SO I HAVE CONTROL OVER MY LIFE, EMOTIONS, AND OUTCOMES, SO I CAN HAVE A PLAN FOR THE UNEXPECTABLE.

Getting rational about what you can and cannot do--becoming realistic about what is and is not your obligation or duty to correct, change or control.  I CAN COMPLETE MY SCHOOLING, I CAN CHOOSE A CAREER, I CAN ALLOW FOR THINGS IN MY LIFE TO CHANGE.  I CAN NOT CHANGE OTHER PEOPLE.  I CAN NOT RUSH THEM TO MEET MY PACE. 

Allowing yourself to be able to say "no" or "I can't" when faced with insurmountable problems out of your reach.  I DON'T KNOW THAT I CAN DO THIS!  I SAY NO, I CAN'T ALL THE TIME, BUT I WON'T DO THIS NOW, NOT FOR THIS SITUATION, NOT YET.

Confessing faith in God or a Higher Power of your choice--openly declare that God or your Higher Power is stronger and a great source of power to whom you can hand over these things out of your control.  Accepting your powerlessness over things and handing these things over to your Higher Power.  LET GO AND LET GOD.  THERE IS A PLAN THAT YOU  CAN NOT SEE.  “UPCLOSE A COMIC IS A BUNCH OF TINY DOTS, IT DOESN’T MAKES SENSE.  WHEN YOU LOOK AT IT FROM A DISTANCE IT MAKES A COMPLETE PICTURE.  THIS IS GOD AND OUR OWN LIFE.”

Realistic acceptance of loss--after fully grieving a loss admitting that there is nothing left to be done but to accept the loss and hand the loss from this point on over to your Higher Power's care and love.  I AM NOT CAPABLE OF ACCEPTING A LOSS YET. 

Surrender--extensive problem brainstorming and testing alternatives with the final conclusion that you can do nothing to change the circumstances of the issue and that it would be safer and more realistic to free your energy up by surrendering and letting go of the issue and handing it over to your Higher Power.  HOW DO I DO THIS? I AM TRYING!  I CAN DO NOTHING TO CHANGE THE CIRCUMSTANCE THAT I AM GOING THROUGH. 

What are the negative effects of not letting go of the uncontrollables and unchangeables in life?
If you are unable to "let go" of the uncontrollables and unchangeables in your life, you could:

Become so obsessed with the need to solve everything on your own that you run the risk of physical and emotional exhaustion.  I FEEL THIS WAY NOW!  HOW DO I CHANGE THIS?

Never attain personal serenity and peace by accepting the human condition at work in your life.   I DON'T KNOW THAT I HAVE EVER HAD COMPLETE SERENITY, I NEED TO WORK ON THIS. 

Never establish an effective means of "handing over" to your Higher Power the "too big to solve" issues in your life and thus become bogged down in "chasing your tail" in these issues.  I AM ALWAYS CHASING MY TAIL OR SO IT SEEMS.  I NEVER LET GO, AND LIFE HAPPEN, I ALWAYS NEED A PLAN, AND 5 OTHER PLANS TO BACK MY FIRST PLAN.

Never be at rest, always having these issues stirring up your emotional resources and energy.  I AM NEVER AT REST!  I AM TIRED, I AM SICK!

Become anxious, stressed, insecure and depressed over these issues so much that your personal effectiveness lessens at home, work, school or in the community.  I CONSUME MYSELF WITH THIS ISSUE THAT I CAN NOT SLEEP, I CAN NOT COMPLETE SIMPLY DAILY DUTIES.

Become obsessed with these issues so much that they are the only topic of conversation or focus of attention you have in your life.  IT IS ALL I CAN TALK ABOUT!  IT IS THE ONLY FOCUS OF MY LIFE, EVEN THOUGH I HAVE MANY OTHER THINGS I SHOULD BE FOCUSSING ON.  OTHER THINGS THAT ARE FAR MORE IMPORTANT FOR HERE AND NOW!

Be driven by the sense of failure, not being "good enough" or guilt for not fixing the issues and become depressed and very hard in your self-assessments until you believe that you are the failure who is out of control and needing to be changed into a perfect, all powerful, infallible being.  I KNOW I AM GOOD ENOUGH, BUT I DESIRE THAT POWER TO BE PERFECT AND INFALLIBLE!

Become competitive with your Higher Power as the source of wisdom and light in the lives of those whom you are so desperately trying to control, fix and change.  I FEEL AS THOUGH I AM WISER AND SMARTER THAN GOD, I KNOW WHAT IS BEST FOR ME.

Try to replace God by referring to yourself in terms only appropriate in describing your Higher Power because of your belief that you have the power to solve the unsolvable situations in your life. Because of this inflated ego and incapability of solving the unsolvable, your self-esteem and self-worth take a beating.  MY SELF-ESTEEM AND SELF-WORTH WILL TAKE A BEATING IF I CAN NOT MANAGE THIS

Exacerbate low self-esteem by becoming so obsessed with the sense of shame, guilt, failure and incompetence in not being able to solve your unsolvable problems.  I FEEL WORTHLESS BECAUSE I CAN NOT MOVE ON, I CAN NOT COMPLETE DAILY TASKS.  I CAN NOT LET GO.

Loss everything of importance by making such great sacrifices to save the things beyond your control that you lose everything in your life which gave it meaning including: marriage, money, success, business, jobs, children, relationships and even your life.  I FEEL LIKE I HAVE LOST EVERYTHING IMPORTANT IN MY LIFE NOW.  I FEEL AS THOUGH I AM JUST TRYING TO KEEP IT.

How is letting go of the uncontrollables and unchangeables a control issue?
Letting go of the uncontrollables and unchangeables in your life is a control issue because:

It de-powers the external locus of control issues in your life and helps strengthen your internal locus of control.

Saves your sanity--unless you let go of those things over which you are powerless, you run the risk of burning out your emotional and physical energy, enthusiasm, spirit, resources and reserves. Letting go is an act by which you release your need to control every situation, person, place or thing in order to ensure that your sanity is not threatened.  I WILL NO LONGER GO INSANE WHEN I POWERLESS OVER A SITUATION.  THIS SITUATION HAS BURNED ME OUT EMOTIONALLY, PHYSICALLY, WITH ENTHUSIASM FOR LIFE, AND MY SPIRIT.  I WILL GAIN MY ENTHUSIASM FOR LIFE BACK BY GOING TO A COOKING SHOW.  I LOVE TO COOK.

Not a power play--instead it is an open admission that you do not need to exercise power and control over people, places, things or situations which are not amenable to such efforts.  I CAN NOT CONTROL EVERY SITUATION, I CAN NOT CONTROL THE DECISIONS OF OTHERS, SITUATIONS THAT OCCUR, OR THINGS THAT HAPPEN.  LIFE IS UNEXPECTED AND I NEED TO ACCEPT THE OPPORTUNITIES THAT LIFE PROVIDES WHEN S@#T HAPPENS.

Enhances self-control--since it frees you up to gain self-control over your own life without guilt or fear of reprisals by those people, places or things which you have let go of.  I AM LETTING GO OF MY MARRIAGE SO THAT I CAN FOCUS ON ME.  I WILL NO LONGER STRESS OVER MY MARRIAGE OR MY RELATIONSHIP STATUS.  I WILL FOCUS ON MY PRIORITIES, SCHOOL, MY HOBBIES OR LIKES, MY CHILDREN, AND MY FRIENDSHIP WITH MY HUSBAND.


Freedom from Idealism--often due to your idealism and irrational belief system about how perfect things should be that you get trapped into unhealthy efforts to solve things which are not solvable and by letting go you gain the ability to free up and focus on yourself, the one thing you can control and change.  THIS IS ME TO A T.  I TRIED MAKING EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE, “PERFECT”.  EVERYONE LOOKED AT ME AS HAVING THE PERFECT HUSBAND, THE PERFECT KIDS, AND THE PERFECT LIFE.  IF I FELT MY LIFE NOT PORTRAYED AS PERFECT I WORKED TO MAKE IT SO.  I WILL NO LONGER BE PERFECT OR EXPECT THOSE WHO I AM CLOSEST TO BE EITHER.

Detachment oriented--letting go involves detaching from persons, places or things which have had emotional "hooks" on you and threatened your overall well-being.  I WILL NOT DETACH MYSELF FROM MY HUSBAND, BUT I WILL DETACH MYSELF FROM MY MARRIAGE.  I WILL WORK ON MY FRIENDSHIP WITH HIM, SO THAT WE MAY CONTINUE, WHEN THIS IS ALL SAID AND DONE.

Gives power back to the source of our power--by recognizing that there is a Higher Power to whom you can let go of those things which you are powerless to control or change is an act of self-control and a step towards self-healing by getting out of the power struggled with your Higher Power.  I WILL LIVE MY LIFE AS IT IS MEANT TOBE.  I WILL NEED HELP IN FINDING MY WAY AGAIN, IN LETTING GO.

Self-Healing--through admitting that you are not omnipotent, infallible, omniscient or superhuman, you can allow yourself to take control over yourself once you let go of those things holding you down in a quicksand of non-coping, self-pity and "sick" behaviors.  I AM NON OF THESE THINGS.  I AM HUMAN, I CAN ONLY HANDLE SO MUCH.

What is the irrational thinking which leads you not to let go of the uncontrollables and unchangeables in life?

* I must solve every problem that comes my way. THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE.

* Only I can solve these problems.  I CAN NOT SOLVE THIS.  THIS PROBLEM IS UNSOLVABLE.

* If I don't solve these problems, I will be seen by others as a failure or no good.  I WILL NOT BE SEEN AS A FAILURE.

* I need to fix all of these things perfectly and as soon as possible.  YES, SO I CAN MOVE ON, SO I CAN PLAN TOMORROW.

* There is no one else available who is going to help me solve these problems.  IF YOU WANT THEM SOLVED SLOWER THAN A TORTIOSE MOVES.  IF I DON’T SOLVE THEM, NO ONE ELSE WILL.

* All those people need to do is to follow what I've told them to do. YES, EXACTLY.  I AM USUALLY ALWAYS RIGHT.  ASK ANYONE!

* This place would be ideal if it would only do what I want it to do.  YES, MY RELATIONSHIP WOULD BE IDEAL IF HE WOULD JUST LISTEN TO ME!  IF HE WOULD STAY WITH ME AS I WANT HIM TO.

* These things wouldn't be so bad off if they had been left to me to take care of by myself.  THIS IS SO TRUE.

* They don't know what to do and they need me to tell them.  YES, THIS IS ME!!!

* They can't do anything right without me. If they lose or fail, it will reflect badly on me.  IT MAY NOT BE DONE WHEN OR HOW I WANT IT TO BE.

* What would others think if things didn't work out the way they were supposed to?  I REALLY DON’T CARE WHAT OTHER THINK.  THIS IS NOT ME.

* I've only known crisis, chaos and panic in my life so why should I expect any peace, calmness or serenity if I leave them to take care of themselves?  I HAVE EXPERIANCED A LOT OF LIFE STRESSES.  I AM USED TO PANIC AND CHAOS.  I HAVE ALWAYS CONTROLLED THEM, OR AT LEAST I THOUGHT I DID.

* I must make everything better around here or else I'll go crazy.  I DO GO CRAZY ESPECIALLY, WHEN IT COMES TO FINANCES.

* If I let go too soon, things might change and I'd be sorry for releasing them too prematurely.    YES, YES, YES!  THIS IS ME.  IF I LET MY HUSBAND GO TOO SOON, MY HUSBAND MAY CHANGE HIS MIND AND I WOULD BE SORRY FOR LETTING HIM GO!


* If I stop trying to fix and change them, they would no longer need me and leave me.  IF I GIVE HIM MORE CONTROL, HE WILL NOT NEED ME AND HE WILL LEAVE ME.

* There must be a way to turn them around and I can't give up yet.  I HOPE HE CHANGES HIS MIND, AND stays with me.

* What if they blame me for not taking care of them if they fail or fall flat on their faces?  THIS IS NOT ME.

* I'd rather sacrifice myself than have them blame me later for not helping them.  THIS IS NOT ME.

* They are so irresponsible they would never do it on their own. HE CAN DEFINITELY MAKE IT ON HIS OWN, HE DOESN’T NEED AS HE FEELS HE DOES.

How to improve letting go of the uncontrollables and unchangeables in your life
In order to let go of the uncontrollables and unchangeables in your life, follow the words of the Prayer for Serenity by Reinhold Niebuhr:

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can,
and wisdom to know the difference.

 Living one day at a time,
 enjoying one moment at a time,
accepting hardship as a pathway to peace.
Taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it,
trusting that YOU will make all things right
if I surrender to Your will so that I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with You
 forever in the next.

By letting go of the uncontrollables and unchangeables in your life, you allow people, places and things to be responsible for themselves, which takes a tremendous burden off you. By freeing yourself of this huge burden, you will appreciate life more for what it is. You will have the energy and strength to pursue your own interests. You will be able to relax and have fun.

Read more:

Blogs I find Helpful


The Bi Married Maffia

Jack Scotts Bisexual Buddies

Break Out


Conflicting Clarity

Gay Friendships


If I Do the Right Thing

One Step at a Time

New Day, New Life


Good To Be Free

North Star


The Closeted Straight Spouse


The Misti Hall Blog

Six Stages of Grief

Stage One: Disorientation, disbelief, denial and relief. A straight partner's denial that their partner is not straight prevents them from dealing with reality. Once you are able to come to terms with this, you may be relieved to find an answer as to why things did not feel right and can accept why something was missing.

Stage Two: Facing, acknowledging, and accepting the reality. Slowly, the reality seeps into consciousness. Eventually you must acknowledge these realities as true and irreversible. Onceacknowledged, you are ready to finally accept the present reality as the new"given".

Stage Three: Letting go of the past. Once there is acceptance of the new reality, you let go of what you thought the marriage was, and start to grieve the dreams you've harbored.

Stage Four: Healing. Only when you let go of what was can you begin to heal. Healing begins when you start taking care of your own health and wellbeing. It's time to focus inward, clarifying wants, needs and values. Expect a breakthrough in terms of thinking and/or perspective.

Stage Five: Reconfiguring identity, integrity and belief system. Once a realistic picture of yourself is created, you are able to reconfigure who you are and regain your sense of self-worth. Resetting your moral compass based on your truth and reality, you learn to trust yourself and others. Lastly, accommodating the new information into your world view will give you meaning and purpose to your life.

Stage Six: Transforming your life. With your identity, integrity and belief system reconfigured, you achieve balance emotionally, psychologically, and sometimes spiritually. You can live your life as a new person in a new way.

The coping, pain, anger, fear, and grief color, and often slow the process. Anger occurs throughout the issues. Pain and fear are felt mostly in the beginning. Grief arises as you let go of each part of what you thought you had. If spouses can't manage the feelings in a productive way, the hurt and pain creates a "victim" mentality; anger turns to vindictiveness, fear becomes paralysis, and the grief intensifies to depression or suicidal thoughts and action.

Getting through these issues andfeelings, and effectively coping can take anywhere from 3 - 6 years to properly heal. Statistics indicate that it takes one year of healing for every five years of marriage. And, once this process takes place, for many, there is arealization that their partner really did marry them out of love, and not to hide in a closet -- they fully intended to make it work. So, while thesecouples could not be lovers and stay married, perhaps they can still be good friends.Moskovitch,

Deborah. (2011). When a Spouse Comes Out of The Closet: The Huffington Post. Retrieved 10/31/11 from:


Support Hotlines:


Making Mixed Marriages Work:

Alternate Path:  For women who love their husbands and want to make a relationship work

Seven Stages of Grief for Divorce:  If you are in a mixed orientation marriage, and your spouse just came out to you please read the following grief cycle.  You will feel like this.

When The Man You Love is Gay: Article

Out Together:  Why People in mixed Orientation Marriages Stay Together:  Article

Gay in a Straight Marriage.  Divorce or Stay?: Article:

Beyond Homophobia:

Straight Spouse Network:


A Change of Heart - Deals mainly with the Straight Wife's feelings
The Mulligans-  Deals mainly with the Husbands SSA
Latter Days-  Deals with LDS SSA
Brokeback Mountain-  Deals mainly with Men with SSA

About Me

I am currently married to my best friend of 16 years Jerry.  We have been married for 9.  Jerry came out as being gay or bisexual September 26, 2011.  I thought I could save our marriage while letting him explore.  His desires and needs do not include continuing  a marriage with me.

I have been trying to deal with my rollercoaster life and emotions since disclosure.  I am trying to remain friends with Jerry.  I am learning to understand that he didn't do this to me, this isn't something he purposely chose, it's just something that happened.  We are choosing to remain friends for our personal needs and wants not for our children.

We have two children, Riley our 10 year old daughter and Kennet our 7 year old son.  No matter what our relationship ends up as we will always remain corrigible for our children.  Our children know we are separating.  They know the reason to be personal between Jerry and I right now, they know we will tell them why when we come terms with the reason ourselves.  They are handling the news of the separation well.  They are glad their dad is not moving out right away.

We plan to live together at least until I find a job.  I am currently a full time student preparing myself to graduate between January and May of next year.  Jerry is supportive of my schooling, and keeping our life relatively normal until our children readjust from all the changes we have made in the last year.

Jerry has been exploring his gay side, through support groups, gay activities, clubs and dating.  I have been dating and am currently looking for singles groups or women groups I can join.


12 Pillars of Polyamory

12 Pillars of Polyamory:  The following has been changed but I did copy is from Kenneth R. Haslam MD; June 14, 2008 for the full article clink the link

1.       You must know yourself and be comfortable being you.  You need to know the differences between your love NEEDS and wants. (What is it that makes you feel loved?)  Words of affirmation, touch, quality time, gifts, acts of service?  Talk about this…………..

 Do you know and accept your sexuality-kinks and all?  Are you comfortable with yourself and are you comfortable sharing yourself as you really are?  Can you be the person you really are?  Talk about this…..  

2.       Choice- People in ploy relationship understands that they are free to make decisions about how they will live their life.  They are free to choose.  Every day we stay together it is because we are choosing to.  Ask your primary partner for their opinions, think them over, discuss them and then make your own choice.  We will make and be responsible for our own mistakes.

3.  Transparency-  There should be no secrets in a Polyamory relationship.  Full disclosure is paramount.  When possible get to know your partners partner.  Poly relationships often fail because the primary partner feels left out.  Unadulterated truth is important in Poly relationships.  
4.  Trust-  having a firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone.  Trust is always an “iffy” thing, it is easy to break trust in the heat of passion.    Keeping your partners trust and honoring agreements is one of the most difficult aspect of polyamory.  You will likely fail from time-to-time.  It is imperative that if trust has been broken that it is communicated, confessed, and to be open to the aftermath that may follow.  The aftermath of breaking trust is not fun. 

5.       Gender Equality-  Different rules for different genders is not allowed.  Usually a ploy relationship starts out with one partner being open.  The other partner that chooses not to open immediately is usually consume by New Relationship Energy (NRE), and prefers to be monogamous.  However NRE usually fades and the non-open partner wants to open their side.  The partner that is already opened usually experiences difficulty with this concept. 

It is easy to embrace the concept of a poly lifestyle, but the practice is sometimes hard.  In a poly relationship it usually the men that have a hard time sharing their women, but this can be reversed.  Women usually adjust to a poly relationship easier than men do.

6.       Honesty-  Who would want their partner to be dishonest?  Most people can handle anything but deceit.  Lying and withholding information is not acceptable.  Your partner may not like hearing everything you are telling them, but in the long run just getting everything out for discussion beats lying, withholding information and editing.  Poly life is complicated it is not always easy.

7.  Open Communication-  There should be no secrets in a polyamory.  NONE!  Your primary partner should know everything.  If possible it beneficial that all partners are aware of the relationship. 

An example of open communication:  A man went to therapy he confessed he always wanted to tie his wife up and have sex.  He admitted that he was too afraid to tell her this because, he was afraid that she would want a divorce, and he didn’t want that to happen.  The wife then entered therapy.  After many sessions she confessed that she walways wanted her husband to tie her up and have sex, but she was too afraid to tell him this because she thought he would think she was crazy and want a divorce.  Think about the joy these two people could have shared if they would have been honest in their communication. 

It has been said that successful Polyamorists are so busy communicating that they can not find time to have sex.

8.       Non-Possessive-  No one owns anyone.

“If you love something, set it free.  It it comes back to you, it’s yours.  If it doesn’t it never was.”

In a poly relationship you must learn to love with an open hand.  Allow yourself to understand and accept your partner’s autonomy.  Partners should have complete autonomy to establish relationships that work for them.  It is okay to voice opinions, but the partner is free to choose what they want to do, and make their own mistakes.  Self-esteem is important in creating a successful Poly Relationship.

9.  Consensual- Parteners are aware of what is going on and agree to what is going on.  If there is no agreement it is cheating. 

10.   Accepting of Self Determination- Understanding that each of us is different is essential.  Encouraging your partner to follow their own life’s path is mandatory. 

You must keep an open mind to your partners behavior since you have no control.  You can voice opinions and make your concerns and wishes known, but expect disagreements from time to time.  You will need to find a compromise that works for each partner. 

11.   Sex Positive-  Sexuality is, of course, a major part in Ploy relationships and all partners being in agreement on sexual matters is essential. 

A. Are you comfortable with your emotional, spiritual, physical and sexual self?

B.  Do you understand, accept and tolerate your partner’s sexual needs, beliefs, practices, and yes even kinks?

C.   Are you open to exploration of a variety of sensual, intimate, and sexual experiences and can you freely share your thinking with your partner?

D.  Can you easily communicate your sexual needs with your partner, can they ask for what they want comfortably? 

E. Can you communicate your needs to not have sex or participate in activities that are not desirable to you?

12.   Compersion-  Understanding compersion is the essence of successful Poly relationships. 

Compersion is the opposite of jealousy.  It is the love we feel for others when they feel love.  It is the emotional expression that what we want for our loved ones more than anything is their happiness and fulfillment.  Compersion is recognizing your partner for who they really are not what we want them to be. 

Example:  Compersion is going out with your partner to buy flowers for their (BF/GF).  It is helping your partner pick out a better set of flowers then they were originally going to buy.  It is to feel happy and excited for your partner when you’re sitting on the couch eating pizza and watching romance movies, while your partner spends their first night with their (BF/GF).  It is waiting up for your partner to get home from a late date so you can hear all the sordid details. 

No one ever said that Polyamory is about perfection in relationships.  A poly relationship can fail, just as monogamous ones.  Poly is about complete honesty in relationships.  In the early stages of a Poly relationship is not EASY. 

As you start a Poly relationship it is important to start slow for the first few miles, do not exceed the speed limit.  Speed will kill!  Taking the road of a poly relationship s difficult because there are no roadmaps, but if you study and understand the 12 pillars the journey will be easier.