Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Past, Present and Future

Young teacher

Alot has changed in a year.  I stepped away from blogging so I could let go of the past and move forward with my future.  I have very exciting news!  First, I am the new fifth grade teacher at a school nearby.  I am excited to start my career in the fall!

Jerry and I divorced January 2nd of this year, after tax season.  We are still friends and get a long great.  I always wanted to have with Jerry what Jim and K have.  I don't, over time I have learned to be okay with, what is.  We are friends, he does come over to the house and bullshit with both Levi and I.  We have grown apart though.  He has taken the young, fun and all over the place route, which is good for him.  I on the other hand have remained steady in my parenting role.  Our lives while forever bonded through friendship, marriage and kids is no longer compatible.  Our interests have greatly grown apart.  Our past and our children are the only common variable in our friendship now. I'm glad we get along and are still friends, one day I would like to be close again with comparable interests.

Jerry and Nate broke up a couple of months ago.  Nate moved to another country for work purposes. Jerry well I think he is very sad about this.  He has been rather promiscuous lately.  He will survive this break up and somehow find his true self in all of this.

On July 4th Levi asked me to Marry him with a ring that truly matches both my style and personality.  I felt like this ring was meant for me.

I said yes, four days later on July 08, 2014 we married.  It was a beautiful wedding.  We included all of our children by participating in sand ceremony that united us all as a family.  Each person received a color of sand identifying us as an individual person we each took turns pouring our sand into the jar.  When the jar was about half filled we then poured our sand into the jar simultaneously representing the union, family we are creating.

Levi stated the most beautiful, truest vows I have ever heard.  He captured both my spirit and personality to a t.  He referred to all of my multiple personalities and explained why he loves each and every one of them.  The first personality he referred to was Sweet Michelle (Snow White) a person that is caring, loving and kind and will always do what is morally, ethically right.  The second being General Michelle (Mrs. Hannigan), the Michelle that likes things orderly, clean, the one who makes her children complete chore lists.  The third was Mean Michelle (Cruella Deville), the Michelle the kids are frightened of, the grumpy grouchy morning Michelle.  Then there is the motherly Michelle (Mary Poppins) the one who cares for her children with nurturing and love the lady who does it all.  Then his all the time Michelle who is beautiful and sexy (Jessica Rabbit).

He captured me and not just one side, but all of me!!!  I love him dearly and I am excited for this new adventure!

We said vows to our children as well.  Each child received a piece of jewelry representing our new family.  Afterwards we danced, sang, ate cake and stayed up way too late!!!

Monday, July 1, 2013

LiFe gEtS BETTER!!!!

Oh God, how one's life continues and changes and what I have learned in the last year amazes me.  I am not angry at my SOON to be gay-ex husband.  It will be 2 years in September since I found out and 1 yr, in October since he's moved out.  I am not angry at him anymore.  I have forgiven him.  I have decided to be thankful for everything I was able to learn from being with him.  He taught me a lot, he pushed me to get an education, even though I may not use it, I will always have it to fall back on thanks to him.  I am glad to see him happy and doing what he loves to do, with the people he connects with the most.  He is a good father, and cares about me and the children.

I feel lucky

The first man I contacted on Zoosk, the attraction I felt towards him online.  CRAZY, should be on catfish!!!!  After months of communications we went on our first date, while I am still living with my gay husband and we are still sleeping in the same bed.  Jerry takes me shopping and tells me not to order the most expensive item on the menu, so I ordered the market price item, because, how am I to know the cost it's hidden.  Needless to say I wasn't ready for my first date, I wasn't ready to admit my marriage was over, it wasn't rEAl yet.  I had fun with Levi, he asked me out again and after struggling to find a way out, I said yes and he took me to my first concert in 16 years, two weeks later.  Levi and I have had our ups and downs but committed to a relationship in April of 2012.  He moved in unofficially with me October 2012 and we have been together ever since.  I love him.

He treats me the way a MAN should treat his princess....  I have been in a committed relationship with him for a year and in that year I have only opened my car door twice for myself and that's because he was loading groceries in the car or something along those lines.  He values my opinion and treats me with up-most respect.  My kids LoVe him.  They respect him, they like him and would love to see us move forward in our relationship and their opinion is the most important to me.

Because of Levi I know now, what it feels like to be in love, to be treated like a princess, a lady, a woman,  I know what it feels like to be taken care of, to be worried about to have someone get you, really understand you.  Levi, knows when I am upset and he has a great way of turning my frown upside down, he cracks me up even when my moods aren't the greatest.  He appreciates the little I do for him, making lunch, breakfast ect, (I have been a lazy woman in the fact I have not woke up early to make him breakfast in bed which I know he would LOVE!!!)Getting up two hours early to make him breakfast before he leaves for work is a very easy thing to do, and the rewards that come from doing something so small would be worth doing it everyday.  He appreciates that woman quality.  I wouldn't do it for the reward of it though.  I want to do it, because at night when I cuddle with him on the couch, he rubs my back, not because I asked, but because..........  I don't know but I do know that I love that he does that so much I want to make him happy by making breakfast.

My opinion of relationships is very similar to that of Doctor Laura.  A woman should please her man and in return she gets the protection of a man.  Men and women think differently.  Men are most happy with women when the give them sex, feed them and treat them as men, (no nagging).  Women are most happy when they have a man who treat them nicely, shows appreciation through words or touch, and provides for them.  I believe women are caretakers of their man.  Listen to Doctor Laura.

Anyways, I would have never experienced the love I feel from and for Levi had Jerry not came out.  I feel appreciated as a woman, I have round butt I have never weighed so much or worked out so little in my life and felt so confident about my body until now.  Yes, I am not saying not workout, it's healthy keeps you young, but keep those CHOCOLATE BARS coming!!!

All I need to do is have Jerry look over, change or accept the divorce papers and then file them, and in 90 days I will be officially divorced.  The end of July I go on my first vacation with Levi and his family for a week.  We have been going to his family's house every month since September for Sunday dinner, but I am still nervous about the week.  I hope they like me, never thought I would do this again.

It gEtS BETTER!!!!      

Thursday, May 16, 2013

Levi and I are doing great.  Levi's company has come to a close and business isn't doing well, so for steady income he went out and got a daily job.  He is trying to become an arborist, but for now he is working as the grounds keeper.  Long days and hard work.  He needed to buy some steel toed boots, which we did.  Unfortunately he was unable to break them in before his job started and came home with giant blisters all over his feet.  Sucky, Sucky considering the fact that he needs to be on his feet all day and still has to work his long days with blisters.  Hopefully they will have time to heal over the weekend.

Riley is doing absolutely phenomenal in school.  She got to participate in her choir event going to the bowling alley, she made the no tardy party where they get to go again to the bowling alley, and she has also made it to the citizenship party at school for being prepared everyday, turning in her work on time and being a great student.  Funny story:  Yesterday was busy for us.  In the morning she had a wax museum where she was Deborah Sampson.  She needed a revolutionary war costme.  Being broke and not getting any return comments on costumes from friends and neighbor I asked I made her a costume.  I don't sew, so I bought a $3 shirt from Walmart and died it blue, I then proceeded to place construction paper on it.  I bought a cowboy hat which I spray painted blue.  Needless to say the costume was very ugly!!!  She was crying before school, "OH, PLEASE mom don't make me go in like this.  I look absolutely foolish!"  Of Course, being the mother I am I simply said Riley, in life not everything always goes as planned.  I didn't have the money to buy a perfect costume, and even though many of your friends will have stylish costumes it's not about the costume it's about you and what you make of it.  When your friends laugh, laugh with them.  Let them know you know the costume isn't but it gets the point across.  Laugh and have fun.  Make your personality shine through.  She cried more and asked again to stay home.  I again said no, but gave her an option not to wear the costume.  She said she didn't want to receive a zero because that would inhibit her from going to the citizen party.  So I said that is your choice, but if you leave this car with the costume on Fake it till you make it, be happy.  It was very hard for me to see this and be strong, principle.  In the end she really enjoyed her ugly costume and will remember the day I made her go to school with it.  She had a great time and laughed with her friends about it's ugliness.

Kennet is also doing well.  Thanks to Levi and his patience with Kennet in spelling he has boosted his spelling score and has received 100%.  He plays soccer and is doing very well.

I too got a job, telemarketing!  Yes I am the new Centurylink customer service agent.  I worked here before and loved the atmosphere.  I need the money right now.  It has been hard because I have been working nights and I miss my children desperately.

My ex just adopted Riley, and I am trying to finish our divorce paperwork by the end of the month.      

Thursday, January 24, 2013

Happy New Year

Happy New Year!

So it has been over a year.  Wow.  This time last year I was dating my current boyfriend, living in a tiny apartment with my gay husband and two kids getting ready to move back into my home.  It has been a struggle.  At the time I was devastated, the truth I had known was no longer and new life was unfolding for me while my old life was being torn apart.  It took months before realizing the truth is just one person’s perception of reality.  Looking back my reality was pretty messed up.

I still struggle at times with my divorce.  I feel very broken at times, and I also feel that being in a committed relationship is quite possibly slowing the healing process for me.  I never intended to fall in love or find the perfect man.  I never expected to be kissed again, cuddled with at night or even cared about or taken care of when I am feeling under the weather and yet I have these things now.  It is great and I feel awful that he has a broken toy, with trust issues, identity issues and so much more.
It is safe to say that I am a different person than I was a year ago.  Life and circumstances have changed me.  I need to work on trust.  This is very hard for me.  How do I know you’re not lying to me when the one person I trusted lied to me for ten years, and I was absolutely clueless about it all.  My trust issues will affect my relationship.  The man I am with now deserves all my trust and so much more.

Confidence and Identity issues, well, where do I begin?  For ten years I was treated like a plague.  To touch me was hard him, kissing, lol….what was that?  Friends told me that kissing, touching and all emotional and sensual feelings dissipate in a marriage and I accepted that.  Well, let me tell you what it doesn't have too.  Everyone’s different and touching and kissing sensually is very important for me and I know I won’t give that up again.  I am so grateful and lucky to have a man who provides for me and fulfills my needs in an intrinsic way.  But at times I still feel, (ugly, fat, question what’s wrong with me), from the ten years I was made to feel that there was something wrong with me.  Letting this go, I have found to be extremely challenging. 

Identity issues….  Where do I begin?  For ten years I did everything he wanted.  Liked everything he liked and stopped doing things that I enjoyed.  If he said that what I liked was wrong, or shouldn't be I didn't question why I just stopped doing it.  Well, I have issues and still sometimes feel bad about myself because of this.  Like watching too much TV is a waste of time.  Do I feel this way or is it because for the last ten years I was told this?  I struggle internally with questions like this as I try and figure out who I am and what I enjoy.  I was also told that drinking is for white trash people and it shouldn't be done.  Well, I know I don’t like drinking but when I have a drink or see people drink these comments stick with me and I feel like an awful person.  These statements are not true.  How did I let someone fuck me up so deeply and badly?

I feel that these issues directly affect my relationship now.  I don’t know what to do other than try to understand why I feel the way I do, and try and figure out what I believe in and how I feel about certain things.  There are still so many things I would like to try and do to help figure myself out.
Separation, divorce issues those are there too.  God why is it that when some men divorce they feel they are free from all responsibility?  I mean financially my house and all house extras are paid for with child support, however before being divorced all this was paid for plus all the extra’s to life, programs for the children, food, beautiful clothes, car insurance, registration, ect…  Now I have to actually worry about these things and how to pay it.  I no longer get raises.  It sucks.  I mean this wasn't in my five, ten, fifteen year plan.  At times this makes me angry.  I shouldn't be angry I know this.  I am ultimately out of a crappy marriage, with a great boyfriend now and I still don’t work full time, in fact I hardly even work part time.  I have to admit I am sure I have it better than most divorce people but I still find this challenging at times. 

Then there is the responsibility of kids.  He has four days a month with them, and he can’t even commit to the every other weekend we set up.  Not once, well maybe once or twice, he has kept the weekends we originated when he left in October.  I mean seriously grow up and tell your gay friends who don’t have any kids that you have two children 11 and 8 whom you are responsible for every other weekend and whatever gathering, party or activity being done on the weekend you have your children is something that you will not be able to make because spending time with your kids on the weekends you agreed to is more important.  I am tired of being flexible!!!  I have a life too.  Grow up and be responsible it’s not like you have the kids 26 days a month and need a break.  Not that I need a break, but I do believe in structure and it would be nice to make plans or not make plans what does it matter.

Anyways, there are struggles with getting divorced.  The hardest part, sometimes I get so confused about how I feel, why I feel a certain way I take it out on the most amazing guy ever.  I never imagined or thought possible that I would meet such an extraordinary gentleman.  He treats me like the princess I am, he truly cares for me, helps me when I am in need and I love him.  Hopefully one day, I won’t feel so broken but complete, and like I understand myself a little more.  I am thankful that he can understand some of this to a point and supports me in finding myself and who I am.

I am ultimately happy with my new life.  I have found someone that I feel something magical with.  It was worth it.  So for everyone who is going through or facing a divorce I guess I have to say, it is hard.  It takes a lot of time.  All people are different, but the emotions will be relatively the same just experienced at different times, some people move faster than others and come to realizations quicker as well, but the struggles still remain.  I just hope that if you are anything like me that you will move on too and know that there is someone else out there that is so much better than what you currently have, there is someone out there that wants to treat you the way you deserve, the way you want.   

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Nothing New

Everything is the same here.  Jerry did move out and it’s been a month with a few arguments.  I feel like I am in the nesting stage of pregnancy without the child though.  I don’t feel organized, clean or complete.  My life seems in disarray at the moment.  I haven’t quite figured out a schedule or a routine that I follow yet, I am working on this!

Levi and I have changed the house, I love it and for once I feel as if it is truly a home I would want to be in.  We moved the family room from down in the basement to the formal living room upstairs.  It is now a family room where the kids, Levi and I enjoy spending time together watching shows like Face Off, Survivor, even football.  Although Levi doesn't watch as much football as I thought he would, maybe eventually when he is more comfortable with me.  We turned the basement into a game room for the kids and us.  It is equipped with an air hockey table, Foosball table, basketball hoop, karaoke machine, then we have an art room with a projector, eventually a wall painted with chalk paint, and the next room is the toy room full of legos, dolls ect.  I bought Riley a new bunk bed and room d├ęcor for the beginning teen age years as well as a place for Levi’s daughter to feel included and comfortable.  It is now their room. 

I am completely in love with Levi and when I am with him I feel like he told me in a letter once, that I am floating on forever.  I appreciate him and all he is.  I couldn't imagine being any happier than I am now with him.  Happy.  What a funny term. 

Happily married.  Are you really happily married?  I wasn't.  I pretended to be, pretended to have a better marriage even when I was told he was gay, I was so upset.  Why?  There are so many things that come to building a marriage and a family, money, work, debt, homes, cars ect.  I was losing it all, losing the only person I really talked to.  Was I happy though?  Knowing now how happy I am when I am with Levi, I wasn't happy I was slowly suffocating.

God it is so nice to be with someone that I can laugh with every day.  Someone who can turn my frown into a smile or an awful day into the best.  We don’t fight and if we do at least it’s not every day, once a week or even once a month.  I am forty pound heavier the heaviest I have ever been and my man still finds me sexy.  I love him so much, and however this ends up I still feel that there is no other ride that I would rather be on, than the one I am on with him.  

Monday, September 24, 2012

Will I have a happy ending?

Two lives commented on my last post.  He asked if it was safe to say, if now that I have Levi and Jerry of my story has a happy ending.  First and foremost I would like to clarify that I do not have both Levi and Jerry, I simply have Levi and as of this moment I am very happy with him.
Jerry no longer holds any strings to my emotions, even though there are more times than not that I find myself getting angry at the decisions he makes.  However, the decisions and choices he makes has no bearing on my life.  Jerry and I separate both our physical life together as well as our emotional life, we really don't have anything in common anymore and every day that grows deeper.  

I feel that at the moment both of my children are suffering from the next step in my separation from Jerry.  I feel that I have not been a supportive mother to my children in regards to my divorce.  The children just barely found out about the divorce in February and since then have had no real time to understand or go through day to day emotions of losing someone.  I find this very difficult to deal with.  They are still kids and the most important thing to them is playing, but at the same time they are dealing with some pretty hard stuff. 

As a mother I have been very lax trying to make up what I wasn’t able to provide them with, I have a lot of guilt over my divorce in regards to the kids.  Allowing them to get away with things is only making the situation worse.  I fully believe that kids need structure and somewhere in the last two years we have lost all the structure I worked for over the last 8 years.  I am finally finding my way back and coming to an understanding of how much structure, routine and family time positively support kids especially during hard times.  I am also looking into support groups for children of divorced parents to help them with emotional needs I am currently unable to help them with.
Seeing my children go through this, as their dad continually puts them on the back burner is difficult, and this aspect of my life I do not feel happy in.  

As I have learned from this process though I can only do what I can do, I cannot change anyone else or make them feel any certain way,   Levi has been an outstanding man for my children and I greatly appreciate everything he is able to provide us.

I find myself enjoying life more when Levi is around.  I laugh more; I don’t feel as if I have to pretend to be someone I am not.  With Levi, I feel as if I can be myself and that is a quality that I wouldn’t change for anything.  I am not blind, he is not my rebound guy.  I dated enough to know that I have a solid connection with Levi and at this moment I have no future plans with him.  I am completely in Love with him and plan to continue my relationship with him on a day to day basis.  We will see where things lead but I have no plans of rushing into anything.  Right now I am just enjoying his company, laughing with him, and loving the fact that I can learn more about him every day.